Life After Thirty, Season 2
by WildDogJJ
Summary: The saga continues for the now thirty-something Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, Kevin, Brittany and the rest. They thought the first three decades of life were tough. Now, they're finding out that the next three suck just as much. They all continue to learn that, like the Bowling For Soup song says, high school never ends.
1. Chapter 1

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 31**

**"Timmy The Model"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Lawndale Mall, day...**

It's late August so Quinn and Jim were at the mall with Tommy, Timmy and Teddy to do what all parents do in the waning days of summer: shop for back-to-school clothes. In the pre-teen section of Cashmans. Jim was loaded down with the latest styles for school age boys.

"Are you done, Tommy?"

Tommy said "Yeah, Dad. Thanks."

Seeing this, Quinn thought _He's my son, alright._

Teddy, meanwhile, just carried a single bag.

"I'm done."

Quinn was puzzled as Teddy had picked simple clothes with no consideration to style whatsoever.

"Teddy," she said, "Are you sure you don't want more...I don't know, variety?"

Teddy asked "Why? I'm in second grade, not a fashion show."

Quinn thought _Are we sure Daria's not really his mother?_

The two noticed that their third son was still in the fitting room. Jim turned to Quinn.

"You handle Tommy and Teddy's clothes. I'm gonna see what's keeping Timmy."

Jim entered the fitting room. He went to a closed stall and knocked.

"Timmy, you alright in there?"

"Just a minute, Dad."

Timmy was struggling to get a pair of pants around his round waist. Finally, he gave up and put his old clothes back on. Later, Jim was explaining to Quinn the problem.

"They don't fit on him."

Quinn was surprised.

"But that's the largest size I could find!"

At this point a store employee approached, a young woman with blonde hair.

"Is there a problem?" asked the saleslady.

Jim showed her the pants that don't fit.

"We need these in the next size up."

The saleslady looked them over.

"Sir, Extra-extra large is the biggest size we have. Which one of your kids tried these on?"

Quinn points to Timmy.

"Him."

The saleslady gasped in horror upon seeing that Timmy's fat.

"Can I talk to you away from your kids for a second?"

Quinn turned to the boys.

"Don't wander off. We'll be right back."

Once out of hearing range of the boys, the saleslady speaks.

"How do I put this delicately? I don't think Cashmans is the right store for your son."

Jim asked "Why not?"

Nervous, the saleslady said "Look, I'm trying to be as polite about this as possible, but maybe he would be better getting clothes from another store."

Quinn asked "What other store?"

The saleslady frowned.

"Big boys."

Quinn gasped in horror.

"The fat kids store!?"

* * *

**Big Boys Plus Size Store, later...**

Quinn, Jim and the three T's were in the store. The boys are confused while both Jim and Quinn are visibly uncomfortable.

"Mom, Dad," said Timmy, "Why are we here?"

Jim sighed as he began to speak.

"Timmy, this is a clothing store for...umph!"

Quinn elbows her husband before pulling him aside.

"Jim," she harshly whispered, "Do NOT use the F-word in front of Timmy."

"Why would I use that kind of language around kids?"

Quinn rolled her eyes.

"That's not the F-word I meant."

"But, Quinn," Jim whined, "He is fat."

Quinn said "And I don't want to damage his self-esteem by letting him know that."

They turn their attention back to the kids.

Tommy indignantly said "Why are we in a fat kids store?"

Pointing to Timmy, Teddy said "That's why?"

Timmy looked like he was just punched in the gut. He turns to his parents.

"Is...Is it true?" he said, almost in tears, "Am I fat?"

Jim sighed.

"Yes, Timmy, I'm afraid it is."

Timmy started to cry. Quinn rushed to the boy and hugs him.

"Oh, Timmy. I'm so sorry?"

"I..._sniff_..." Timmy sobbed, "I'm..._sob_...a..._sniff_...a freak."

Oh, Timmy," said Quinn, "No! You're a wonderful boy. You're overweight, but there's nothing wrong with that. Right, Jim?"

Jim said "Well, actually..."

Quinn immediately shot her husband a vicious look.

"No," said Jim, though he clearly doesn't believe it, "Nothing wrong at all."

Tommy rolls his eyes.

"Great. Bad enough one of my brother's is a brain. Now I have to live down having a fat wuss brother too."

"Tommy!" Quinn barked.

"Mom," Tommy whined, "I already catch flak because Teddy's a brain."

Teddy said "For once I'm on the same page as the idiot. The other kids at school are gonna give us hell for this."

Quinn said "That's enough, you two!" she turns her attention to Timmy, "Now, let's find something you like."

* * *

**Outside the fitting room, a short time later...**

Timmy emerged from the fitting room wearing a t-shirt and jeans. He had a huge smile on his face.

"So, this is what it feels like to wear clothes that fit."

He checked himself out in the mirror.

"You can only see my tummy from the side, and you can't see my boobs at all."

Quinn said "Glad you like it, Timmy."

Jim buried his face in his hand out of embarrassment.

**Later...**

Timmy emerged in another t-shirt and jeans combo. Quinn nodded approvingly while Jim blushed with shame.

**Later still...**

Timmy emerged in a button shirt and dress pants. Quinn likes it, Jim struggles to hide his embarrassment, Teddy shows no reaction as he reads a book by Orwell and Tommy shudders with bile rousing revoltion.

**Finally...**

The family were making their way to the checkout line when a man in a business suit approached them. The man is heavy set with dark, slick hair.

"Excuse me," he said, "My name's Vincent Falconi. I'm the owner of this fine establishment. I couldn't help but notice your son's behavior."

Not noticing the friendly tone, Jim said "Sorry, he's not normally disruptive. We'll have a talk with him."

Mr. Falconi waved his hand dismissively.

"Actually, I like the boy's enthusiasm." He turns to Timmy, "What's your name, little buddy?"

Timmy said "Timothy Carbone, but everyone calls me Timmy."

Mr. Falconi said "Well, Timmy, how'd you like to model my clothes for a catalogue?"

Quinn's eyes go wide with amazement while Jim shudders.

"Timmy," said Quinn, "A model?"

Mr. Falconi said "Of course, Mrs. Carbone. By the way, I'm a huge fan of your YouTube channel."

Jim said "You don't need to resort to flattery, Mr. Falconi. Just ask for an autograph and you'll get one."

Mr. Falconi chuckled.

"Actually, I really do think Timmy has what it takes to model plus-sized clothes. I have a photographer coming in and I think Timmy would be perfect for our next add."

Before Quinn can answer, Jim said "We're busy."

Mr. Falconi said "Well, the photo shoot's not until tomorrow."

Hurriedly escorting Quinn and the boys away, Jim said "We're busy then, too."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim were in bed arguing.

"Jim," she said, "What was that today?"

Jim said "I don't want our boys modeling."

Quinn asked "And why is that?"

Jim said "Quinn, you know perfectly well what kids are like to kids who are different."

Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Jim, you're being ridiculous. Besides, it's just a small ad. It's not like he's gonna be walking the runway in Paris."

Jim said "God Forbid!"

Quinn said "Jim, you're making a big deal about nothing."

Jim barked "NO SON OF MINE'S GONNA BE A FASHION MODEL!"

Quinn hissed "Jim, you're being unreasonable."

"No," said Jim, "I'm trying to keep Timmy from something he'll regret for the rest of his life."

"Jim," said Quinn, "If this helps him feel better about himself then what's the harm?"

Jim barked "NO...AND THAT'S FINAL!"

Quinn said "FINE, YOU ASS!"

She grabbed a pillow and blanket and stormed out of the bedroom. As she does she slams the door hard.

Dumbfounded, Jim asked himself _Why doesn't she understand I'm doing this for Timmy's own good?_

* * *

**Casa Carbone, two days later...**

Jim, Quinn and the boys were having dinner in the kitchen. Jim and Quinn have completely forgotten about the fight they had the other night.

"Hey, Mom and Dad," said Timmy, "Guess what came in the mail today?"

Timmy handed an envelop to Quinn. She opens it and looks.

"Oh, Timmy, it's the photos from yesterday's shoot!"

Sensing what's coming, Tommy and Teddy look at each other.

Tommy said "Fight?"

Teddy confirmed "Fight."

"Video games?"

"Video games."

Both Tommy and Teddy left.

Jim, meanwhile, loses his cool as predicted.

"Dammit, Quinn, I thought I told everyone no!?"

Quinn snapped "Jim, you aren't the only parent in this house. Hell, you aren't even the most effective parent in this house."

"But, Quinn..."

"Jim," she interrupted, "At least look at the pictures."

Jim looked at the pictures. The first one is Timmy striking a pose in a plus sized polo shirt and khaki's.

"No."

His eyes grew wider and his voice more frantic when he sees one of Timmy posing in a sports jacket and jeans.

"Oh, Jesus Christ, no!"

Next, he looks at one of Timmy lounging on a rug in front of the fire in pajamas.

"GAH!"

Misunderstanding his father's reaction, Timmy said "That's my favorite, too. You know what the best part is?"

Jim hoped out loud "That you now have it out of your system and we can put this behind us?"

Quinn said "No, Jim. They're gonna run an ad with these pictures in tomorrows issue of the Lawndale Herald."

Jim's jaw drops and his eyes go wide.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Casa Carbone, later that same evening...**

While Tommy and Teddy play video games in the living room Timmy and Quinn nervously sit at the kitchen table while Jim makes and angry phone call to The Lawndale Herald.

"Dammit," said Jim, "I'm asking you not to run that ad tomorrow...Because I'm trying to protect my son...If those pictures become public he'll never be safe at school again. You've seen the photos. It's obvious that he's no good with his fists...FINE!"

Jim angrily hangs up and then turns his attention to his wife and son.

"Timmy, go play video games with your brothers. Quinn, office, NOW!"

**The home office, a short time later...**

Both doors are closed as Jim and Quinn heatedly argue about what's going on.

"Dammit, Jim," Quinn said, "What the hell's your problem!?"

Jim said "My problem is that you're undermining me when all I'm trying to do is protect Timmy."

Quinn said "Protect him from what!?"

"Bullies," said Jim, "You and I both know how kids like to mercilessly target anyone they perceive as weak."

"So," said Quinn, "You don't want Timmy modeling because you're afraid other boys will make fun of him."

Jim said "No, I'm afraid the girls will make fun of him. I'm afraid the other boys will beat the living shit out of him."

Quinn fired back "For crying out loud, Jim, that's not going to happen. This is helping Timmy regain the self-esteem his being overweight took away. As a bonus, having a child who's a successful model is something I can really rub Jennifer Pearl's nose in."

"AH-HA," said Jim, "Now the truth comes out! This isn't about Timmy's self-esteem, this is about sticking it to your professional arch-rival."

"No," Quinn calmly said, "While I admit that making...(her voice takes on a venomous tone)...Pearl...(her voice returns to normal)... eat shit with this is very satisfying, my first priority is Timmy's emotional well being."

"So's mine," said Jim, "That's why I'm dead set against this."

Quinn opened the door that leads to the living room. In the living room they see Timmy bragging about his modeling to his brother's.

"Look at him," she said, "See how happy Timmy is? Do you seriously wanna take that away from him?"

Adamant, Jim said "Yes, I do. Quinn, as a father my first duty is to protect my son. If doing that means I have to crush his self-esteem, then so be it."

Quinn got right in Jim's face and channeled her inner Helen.

"Dammit, Jim, I don't care what you think but this helps Timmy's self-confidence and as a mother I think I know whats best for the emotional well being of MY children! To that end, I've already scheduled a meeting with a casting agent for tomorrow. You don't have to like it, but it's happening no matter what you say or do. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?"

Jim throws his arms up in frustration and defeat. He's knows that continuing to argue with Quinn when she gets like this is a no-win situation.

* * *

**An office building in Lawndale, the next day...**

Quinn and Timmy were seated in front of a desk while a talent agent sits behind the desk. This agent is a man in his late thirties wearing a business suit. He has long, black hair that's receding on top and is tied back in a pony tail. He has a mustache and goatee and wears sunglasses at all times to conceal eyes that are bloodshot due to heavy cocaine use.

"So, Mr. Valentine," said Quinn, "What do you think?"

Flashing a grin that can only be described as sleazy, Mr. Valentine said "What do I think? I think Timmy could be the next Jonah Hill, that's what I think."

Timmy's face lights up with excitement.

"Really!?"

Mr. Valentine said "Of course! Kid, you've got something special. As an agent for child prodigys I've encounted many children and they all have something, but it's not special. You, Timmy Carbone, are something special. You are a pearl in a bed of oysters."

Frowning, Quinn said "If only I could get my husband to see that. He thinks modeling is un-manly."

With a chuckle, Mr. Valentine said "I bet he also thinks that women belong bare-foot, pregnant and in the kitchen. He's one of those old fashioned oafs who thinks it's 1959, not 2019, isn't he?"

Quinn visibly wants to correct him but is reluctant out of concern for Timmy.

Changing the subject, Mr. Valentine said "How about this? There's a photo shoot for a catalogue in Philadelphia tomorrow. I can pull some strings and get Timmy booked in the blink of an eye."

Both Quinn and Timmy's faces lit up with excitement.

"Go for it." said Timmy.

* * *

**The next day...**

On the Thompson's porch Jim is hanging out with Kevin and his own brother, Chris, while Tommy is inside playing video games with Kevin Jr.

"So, Jim," said Chris, "Does Timmy have a boyfriend yet?"

Laughing, Kevin said "Yeah, dude. He going fag yet?"

Chris and Kevin both laugh as Jim stared daggers at both of them.

"Just because he's modeling," Jim growled, "Doesn't mean he's gay. Besides, Quinn's not giving me any say in this matter. I'd put a stop to this in the blink of an eye if she did."

Kevin continues to laugh while Chris mimics cracking a whip. Next door, Quinn escorts Timmy to her Cadillac.

"Jim," she called out, "Teddy's studying with Michelle and I'm taking Timmy to his photo shoot."

Chris and Kevin laugh uncontrollably while Jim groans out of frustration and embarrassment.

"Knock it off, you guys!"

As Kevin continues to laugh, Chris taunts "Or what, baby bro?"

Jim fired "Or I kick both your asses AND tell Lindy about your mistress, Chris."

This shut them both up.

"Come on, Jim," said Chris, "You know this makes both of us look bad. That boy carries our name."

Jim said "I tried to explain that, but Quinn just doesn't get it. She doesn't seem to understand that the rules of popularity are different for guys than for girls."

Kevin said "Dude, you need to control your woman better. It's impossible for Brit to do anything behind my back."

Ironically enough, at that moment a half naked Daryl crawls out a back window while an all naked Brittany blows him a goodbye kiss.

"Seriously, Jim," said Chris, "You need to get a handle on this before the name Carbone becomes a gay slur."

Jim looked both worried and thoughtful.

* * *

**Downtown Philadelphia, an hour later...**

Jim arrives at the set. He looked all over for Timmy and Quinn. Finally...

"Jim," Quinn called out, "Over here!"

Jim walked up to his wife.

"Jeez, Quinn. I feel like I've died and gone to gay heaven, which is straight hell."

Quinn sighed.

"And here I was actually hoping you'd come around."

Jim said "Quinn, I've got nothing against gay people but everything against guilt by association and that's what this is causing."

Quinn said "What guilt by association?"

Jim said "Quinn, because of that newspaper ad I've been catching hell from both Kevin and Chris."

Quinn looks surprised.

"I can see Kevin being dumb enough to think homophobia is okay, but Chris!? He always seemed more enlightened than that."

Jim thought _You have no idea. No way am I telling her that since Lindy's pregnancy he's developed a taste for infidelity. At least he's being discreet, which is more than I can say for Brittany._ as he said "Quinn, this is what happens. You should see some of the comments I've been getting on my YouTube channel. Now, where's Timmy?"

With a sigh, Quinn points. Timmy is posing in a board shorts in front of a beach background while a stereotypically gay photographer snaps away.

"Yes," said the photographer, "You are big, you are beautiful. All the girls want you. You're a beast. A sexy, plus sized beast."

Jim walked right over and snatched the camera away.

"ENOUGH! Timmy, we're leaving, NOW!"

Just then, Mr. Valentine walked right up to Jim.

"Excuse me," he said, "But just who the hell are you and what the hell do you think you're doing?"

Jim barked "I'm that boy's father and I'm putting a stop to this before it gets even more out of hand."

In a mocking tone, Mr. Valentine said "I see. So you're the backward thinking oaf."

Jim got right in Mr. Valentine's face.

"How about I kick your ass, Mr. Shades!?"

Timmy blushed out of embarrassment. Behind the scenes Quinn did the same thing.

"Go ahead," said Mr. Valentine, "Then I can sue you for everything you got."

Jim said "Only a pussy would respond to an ass kicking threat with a litigation threat. Just like I thought, you've got no balls."

He snatches Timmy and drags him away.

"We're going home, NOW!"

Quinn got right in Jim's face.

"Dammit, Jim, are you freaking crazy!?"

Jim said "No, I'm protecting my son from these predators."

"But Dad," Timmy begged, "There's a plus size fashion show at the mall tomorrow. Mr. Valentine got me in."

Jim turned to Mr. Valentine.

"Is this true?"

Mr. Valentine said "It's true."

"Well," said Jim, "Find someone else!"

He proceeded to drag Timmy out of there. Quinn looked supremely embarrassed.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Quinn and Jim were arguing in bed.

"Dammit, Jim. I've never been as embarrassed as I was today."

"You were embarrassed!?" said Jim, "I'm the one getting harassed endlessly for this."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Jim, don't you dare accuse me of coddling the boys."

Jim said "You don't coddle the boys and I don't blame you for this. I blame both of us. We didn't teach those boys shame."

Quinn said "Jim, you're acting just like your father."

Defensive, Jim said "No, I'm not. If I were acting like my father then I'd put Timmy through a window face first for this."

Quinn let out a defeated sigh as she knew that to be the truth. Finally, she made a decision.

"Look, Jim," she said, "While I'm in favor of building up Timmy's self-esteem it's not gonna do him any good if his parents constantly fight over how to do it."

Jim said "Well, I'm sorry, Quinn, but I'm not going to cave this time. I know for a fact that what I'm doing here is for the best."

Resigned, Quinn said "I disagree, but in the interest of restoring peace to this household tomorrow I'll tell Timmy no more modeling."

Jim said "Thanks. Besides, there are other ways to build up Timmy's self-esteem. Ways that won't cause our name to be dragged through the mud."

Quinn smiled.

_Well, at least the constant fighting's over with._

* * *

**The next morning...**

Timmy got into the passenger side of Quinn's Cadillac while Quinn got into the driver's side.

_I hate going behind Jim's back like this,_ she thought, _but once Jim sees that his worries are totally irrational I know he'll come around._

With that, Quinn gets in and starts the car. She drives Timmy to the Lawndale Mall for the fashion show while Jim is completely oblivious to what's going on behind his back.

* * *

**The kitchen, an hour later...**

Jim was sitting at the table having his morning coffee. He is unaware that Quinn and Timmy have gone to the fashion show behind his back. As he sips his coffee he's deep in thought.

_I feel bad for coming down as hard as I did, but I had no choice. If Timmy pursues a modeling career he'll become a walking target for every bully in school. I've been there, I know what it's like and I don't want Timmy to be tormented daily by his classmates until he goes off to college, like I was. I get why Quinn isn't backing me up here, she's a woman and that colors her perspective on this matter. _

At this point, Jim was approached by Tommy and Teddy.

"Dad," said Tommy, "Can we ask you something?"

Jim said "Of course."

Tommy asked "Why are you being so hard on Timmy?"

Jim tried his best to explain.

"Look, I don't want him to get picked on every time he goes out in public and that's exactly what'll happen if he continues with this modeling thing."

Tommy said "I know, Dad. But aren't ...well...you see..."

Teddy said "I think he's trying to figure out why you're acting in a manner similar to someone our age."

Jim said "I can see that. The reason I'm against Timmy modeling is the same reason I'd be against it if either of you did it. I know just how cruel and intolerant kids can be. God, do I ever know. I was mercelessly bullied from the first day of kindergarten right up to the day I graduated high school. I just don't wan't any of your childhoods to be the incessant torment that mine was."

Tommy asked "Why does Mom think this is good for Timmy?"

Jim said "Because the rules are different for girls than for boys. If Timmy were a girl then I'd be just as supportive of the modeling as your mother is, but he's a boy. You see, for girls being a model is the ultimate status symbol while for boys it's a sign of weakness."

(Author's note: I hope this explains Quinn's seeming naivety in this matter. She knows all too well what the rules are for girls. She lacks an understanding of guy code, however, for the simple fact that she's a girl and therefore never needed to know guy code.)

Tommy asked "Why?"

Before Jim can answer, Teddy said "Because society has a double standard for the sexes so deeply ingrained that it shapes the outlook of even the most enlightened of us."

Tommy has a curious look on his face.

"Your brother's right," Jim explained, "We have something called the double standard. Don't knock it, it's one of the perks of being a guy."

Jim decided to change the subject.

"I guess I'd better see how your brother's doing." Jim suddenly realized that he hasn't seen Quinn all morning. "Where's your mother?"

Teddy said "She's at the mall."

Tommy added "She took Timmy so he could be in the fashion show."

Jim's eyes go wide.

"GAH!"

* * *

**Lawndale Mall...**

A huge stage has been set up with a runway. Backstage, Timmy is wearing a sea captain outfit that he'll be modeling. Quinn can hardly contain her excitement.

"Oh, Timmy, you look so handsome!"

Timmy said "Thanks, Mom."

Mr. Valentine walked in.

"Great news, Timmy," he said, "I pulled some strings. You're going on first."

Timmy's eyes lit up when he heard this.

"I've never been first in anything!"

Quinn said "Timmy, I'm so proud of you."

Timmy sighed.

"I wish Dad was."

Feeling bad for the boy, Quinn said "I know. He loves you Timmy. It's just that your father comes from a time and place where he believes he's doing what's best for you. We both wanna do what's best for you and your brothers. Your father isn't a bad person, he just doesn't know any better."

* * *

**Meanwhile, on the road to the mall...**

Jim is in his Camaro flooring it and weaving in and out of traffic that's going the speed limit. One car he passes so close that the driver honks his horn.

"SLOW DOWN, YOU F$%&ING PSYCHO!"

Inside his Camaro, Jim shouted "OUTTA MY WAY, ASSHOLES! I NEED TO SAVE MY SON FROM SOMETHING HE'LL REGRET FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!"

The Camaro zooms ahead as fast as the supercharged 625 horsepower pushrod V8 can take it.

* * *

**At the mall...**

Ten year old Charles Ruttheimer the Fourth, aka Chucky, walked up to the ticket booth for the fashion show with all of his friends. The ticket lady is someone longtime Daria fans would recognize as Theresea from Junior 5. She looks the same except for having bags under her eyes as she is now in her forties.

Chucky, in his usual apathetic monotone, asked "What is this?"

Theresa explained "It's a fashion show. Tickets are five bucks."

One of Chucky's friends, a hulking blond kid, said "Why would we wanna see a lame fashion show?"

Theresa said "It's a fashion show for plus sized pre-teen boys. You kids might enjoy it."

The fifth graders all salivate as they sense an opportunity for mischeif.

"Go on." said Chucky.

Theresa said "It's locally televised. There's free food from Burger World and Pizza King will bring by a bunch of pies for the event. All proceeds go to benefit the Lawndale Public School System."

The other boys flashed wicked grins while Chucky remained expressionless as usual.

"We'll do it for the schools." he said, "Tickets for all of us."

* * *

**Meanwhile, outside...**

Jim's Camaro came to a screeching halt right in front of the mall entrance, knocking over a no parking sign in the process. Jim frantically exited the car and ran into the building.

* * *

**At the stage, a short time later...**

Chucky and his friends have strategically placed themselves by the table with all the free food from Burger World.

**Backstage...**

Quinn was watching as the boys line up to walk the runway. Suddenly, Jim ran up to her.

"QUINN," he angrily shouted, "YOU LIED TO ME!"

Quinn hissed "Because I knew you'd never go for this. Jim, just give this a chance."

Jim snarled "You lied to me and said there'd be no more modeling."

Quinn snapped "Jim, when Timmy does this and becomes popular you'll see that this isn't the catastrophy you're making it out to be." _And, I can live out my own modeling dreams through him._

"Dammit, Quinn," said Jim, "This isn't going to make Timmy popular. This'll make him a total outcast. He'll be tormented by his peers day in, day out until he graduates from high school."

"Jim," Quinn hissed, "Don't deny Timmy his moment in the sun just because you have an outdated view of masculinity."

"Dammit, Quinn, these views may be outdated but that's just the way it is. I know you think this is helping Timmy but I also know that the ultimate result is gonna be the exact opposite. Frankly, I'm surprised you don't know this."

Quinn said "Jim, I used to dream about being a model."

Jim said "I knew it. This isn't about Timmy's dreams, it's about yours. You never became a model so now you're trying to live vicariously through our son. Not happening! I'm putting a stop to this, right now."

Jim started to walk off to where Timmy was.

"JIM!" Quinn barked, "You do what you're about to do and I have to seriously rethink our whole marriage. You wanna lose your wife and sons over this?"

"No," said Jim, "But if that's what I have to do to protect our son then I'm willing to take that risk."

Quinn is both stunned and impressed as Jim makes his way to the boys getting ready to model.

_Misguided as he is, I have to admire his willingness to sacrifice his own happiness for his family._ she thought.

Jim thought _I just hope something happens to show her I'm right before she has a chance to make good on her threat._

* * *

**A short time later...**

Timmy and Mr. Valentine were talking.

"Well, Timmy," he said, "Ready to break a leg?"

Before Timmy can answer there's a shadow over him. Timmy looks and gulps with dread as he sees his father looming over him.

"You have a choice, Timmy," said Jim, "Either you walk out of here or I drag you out baby tantrum style."

"But, Dad," Timmy pleaded, "I'm going on first. I've never been first in anything in my life."

Jim said "You can start now by being the first to drop out of this."

Now angry, Timmy said "Dad, I'm not active and outgoing, like Tommy, and I'm not smart, like Teddy. Why can't you just accept me?"

Jim protested "I DO accept you, I just don't want you to get hurt. I'm doing this to keep you from being humiliated."

Timmy said "No, you're doing this because I'm not the kind of son you want."

Visibly hurt, Jim said "Timmy, how can you even think that? I know it seems like I'm being a mean old ogre but someday, hopefully, you'll understand why I don't want you to do this. Wait and see, you'll be glad I stopped you now, and so will your mother." _I hope._

The heartfelt sincerity in Jim's voice makes Timmy feel guilty. The boy turned to his manager.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Valentine, but I can't do this. I guess I'll never have a chance to shine."

Jim tried to reassure his son.

"Yes, you will. Timmy, you're only seven. You have no idea how many opportunities to shine you still have in front of you. Trust me. Maybe it won't be in something I like, but I'll be proud of you just the same. I just don't want you to suffer before you can handle it."

Timmy said "Okay, Dad. I'm sorry I made you mad."

Jim said "You didn't do anything wrong, Timmy. Now, let's go home."

Jim and Timmy leave as the music starts, indicating that the show's about to begin. Timmy suddenly pulls away from his father.

"I HAVE TO GET ON STAGE!"

Jim immediately grabbed Timmy, slumped him over his shoulder, and carried him off while the boy kicks and screams.

"LET ME GO, YOU BIG BULLY! LET ME GO!"

Jim ignored Timmy's tantrum as Quinn ran after him.

"DAMMIT, JIM, PUT OUR SON DOWN NOW!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, in front of the stage...**

**Music:** "I Like It" by Enrique Iglesias

The plus sized boys are strutting their stuff on the runway. In the audience, Chucky and his friends each take a burger in their hands. Chucky throws his and it hits one of the boys on stage. His friends all follow suit. They pelt the boys on stage with hamburgers, fries and sauce packets, laughing as the boys on stage fall, duck and cry. The adults all gasp in horror but are too shocked to stop the boys in the audience from throwing food at the ones on stage. A pizza delivery boy with a huge stack of pies walks up to Chucky.

"Where do you want these?"

Chucky pointed at the table.

"Right there is fine."

Chucky then opened one of the pizza boxes, took out a slice and threw it. The slice hit a boy on stage right smack in the face, causing him to slip on some hamburger grease and fall. He starts to cry.

Off to the side Quinn, Jim and Timmy watch the carnage unfold. Timmy immediately stopped his tantrum when he saw firsthand what his father was trying to save him from.

Seeing what was happening to the boys on stage, Quinn gasped in horror as she said "OHMYGOD! That could've been Timmy."

"You see now," said Jim, "This is exactly what I was trying to save Timmy from."

Quinn looked at her husband with a newfound sense of respect.

"Jim, I...I'm sorry. Thank you."

Jim said "No harm done, Quinn."

With that, Jim and Quinn kissed. The three of them then made their way to the exit.

Timmy asked "Dad, how'd you know that was gonna happen?"

Jim answered "I know something about human nature. Kids will be kids and part of being a kid is being cruel to other kids. That's why your mother and I usually don't let you and your brothers do just anything. It's our job to both protect you and teach you better."

Timmy said "Thanks for stopping me, Dad. You were right."

Quinn said "Yes, Jim. It turns out you were right about this all along."

Beaming, Jim said "It just goes to show you that when it comes to sons a father knows best while the mother, though well meaning, is usually wrong."

Suddenly offended, Quinn said "Excuse me! My track record with the boys is STILL better than yours."

Jim said "So, let me have this moment. We both know I'm not likely to get another one."

Quinn calmed down as she couldn't find fault with Jim's logic.

"You know what," she said, "Let's just go home and forget all of this even happened."

With that, the parents and child left.

**End Chapter**

* * *

**Next Time:**

Jim and Quinn land an endorsement deal for their YouTube channels from the owner of a medieval themed amusement park. However, Quinn soon learns that the deal comes with a hidden downside.


	2. Knight In Pink Shinning Armor

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 32**

**"Knight In Pink Shining Armor"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**A medieval themed amusement park outside Lawndale, day...**

A medieval themed amusement park outside Lwandale is bustling with tourists. Over the main entrance is a huge arch that says "Medieval World". The rear entrance to Medieval World has a modern gate and guard post. Quinn's husband and business partner, Jim Carbone, pulls his Camaro up to the gate. The guard, dressed in chain mail and wearing a tunic with the 13th Century English Royal Seal, approached Jim's car and spoke in character.

"Hold! Who goes there?"

Stopping at the gate, Jim said "Jim Carbone, of Q and J media. I'm here for an appointment with the proprietor of this amusement park, Edward Langdon."

The guard smiled in acknowledgement.

"Ah, You mean King Edward. But, pray, I cannot permit thee to pass in that horseless carriage and strange manner of dress for they do not exist in the year 1290."

Jim rolled his eyes as they are clearly laying on the historical accuracy a little too thick. "You've gotta be kidding me!?"

Breaking character for a moment, the guard said "Look, the guy in the beer truck was cool about it."

Jim sighed.

* * *

**Inside Medieval World, a short time later...**

Jim was riding on a donkey cart and he did not look happy. He was being forced to wear green tights, a moldy green shirt that's uncomfortably thick and shoes made of pig's hide and cheaply sown together. The similarly dressed driver was annoying Jim further with his singing.

"With a hey-nanny-nanny, hey-nanny-nanny, hey-nanny-nanny and a ho-ho-ho."

He turned to Jim.

"Pray, wilst thou sing with me, good sir."

Jim grew even more annoyed. In a hostile tone, he said "Just drive the damn wagon."

All too soon the wagon reached a replica of a real medieval castle and passed through the gates.

* * *

**The castle, a short time later...**

Jim was in a large room with a throne. Seated on the throne was a man in a splendid purple tunic with a Lion and three crowns emblazened on it, a red cape with fluffy white edges, a medieval long sword strapped to his belt and a jeweled crown on his head. His name is Edward Langdon, but he insists on being called King Edward. He looks and even sounds like Lucius Malfoy from the Harry Potter movies.*

*(because if this was a real animated sitcom then Jason Issac, the actor who played Lucius, is who I'd cast to voice Edward.)

A page boy approaches Edward and bows.

"My liege, Lord James of Carbone is here as requested."

King Edward said "Thank you, boy. Take thy leave."

The page boy left as King Edward turned his attention to Jim.

"So" said the 'king', "You are the maker of horseless carriages?"

Jim tries to keep his tone civil, even though he clearly thinks this is both childish and asinine.

"Jim Carbone, also know as Jim The Car Guy. I'm one half of Q and J Productions."

King Edward stood up.

"Walk with me as we discuss a potential deal between our two kingdoms."

* * *

**The carnival midway...**

**Music:** "Bloody Verdict Of Verdun" by Christopher Lee

Jim and King Edward were walking along the midway. Except for the presence of modern rides it looks like a medieval village hosting a festival.

Jim said "So, when you called my assistant you expressed and interest in sponsoring both Jim The Car Guy and S'mores 'n' Pores."

King Edward replied "Indeed. I also wish to become a patron. I am willing to donate considerable money to your account in exchange for you and your queen using your YouTube channels and Instagram to spread the word of this place."

They approach a massive roller coaster. The carts are shaped to look like dragons.

"Behold" said King Edward, "Our latest attraction...Dragon Rider!"

Jim is visibly impressed as the Game Of Thrones inspired ride looks fun. King Edward continues to speak.

"You see, this attraction spared no expense. I need to increase visitors in order to reap the rewards. To that end for each time that you or the fair Queen Quinn mention Medieval World I shall pay thee ten stone."

Jim looks confused.

King Edward explained "That's a thousand dollars in your native coin. A thousand dollars per mention of Medieval World."

Jim now salivated at the huge pay day King Edward's promising. Being paid a G for just one name drop sounds too good to be true.

"A thousand bucks!? That's awfully generous of you, King Edward."

King Edward said "It's worth every schilling."

Jim extended his hand.

"You've got yourself a deal!"

King Edward grabbed Jim's wrist and shook it as if it were his hand. After some initial fumbling Jim returned the gesture.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were seated at the kitchen table having dinner. Jim was telling them about his day.

"...and he shook my hand in the strangest way."

He noticed that Tommy was sitting closest to him.

"Like this."

He did the wrist grabbing handshake with Tommy.

Tommy said "That's weird."

Timmy asked "Why didn't he just do it normal?"

Teddy sighed before explaining "In the middle ages people of high standing usually shook hands like that to make sure the other guy wasn't hiding a dagger up his sleeve. Also, personal hygene was almost non-existent in the thirteenth century so hands were usually covered in both human and animal waste."

Both Tommy and Timmy gave their brother a confused look.

"Never mind."

Quinn turned the sudject back to the present day.

"What's Mr. Langdon offering us?"

Jim smiled widely.

"A thousand dollars per mention.

Quinn's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped.

"I know" said Jim, "I reacted the same way when he made that offer."

Excitedly, Quinn said "We can finally put his and hers sinks in our bathroom. No more looking at your stubble when I brush my teeth."

Jim said "I know. Isn't it great."

Quinn said "I'd really like to meet this guy."

"Sorry you couldn't make that meeting." said Jim before adding "By the way, how'd your meeting with Deuce's Hardware go?"

Quinn said "They renewed their endorsement deal with us for another year. I wish I could get a thousand out of them."

Jim said "That's what he offered. I wish we had that kind of luck with all of our sponsors."

At this point, Quinn got an idea.

"How about we go to Medieval World this weekend? The boys can have fun and I can meet our newest sponsor myself."

Tommy and Timmy both salivate at the prospect of spending Saturday at a medieval themed amusement park while Teddy simply rolled his eyes and tuned everyone out.

"Can we, Dad?" asked Tommy.

Timmy added "Yeah, can we?"

Jim smiled.

"Sure. You guys can have a fun day riding roller coasters while your mother and I do some business."

Both boys can barely contain their excitement while Teddy just looks like his usual, disinterested self.

* * *

**Medieval World, day...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys approached a tent by the jousting arena. Inside the tent they found King Edward seated on his throne. Quinn, Jim and the boys approach. King Edward is happy to see them.

"Ah, Good morrow, King James!"

He approached the family.

"Queen Quinn, I must say that the rumors of thy beauty hardly do thee justice."

He bowed and kissed her hand. Quinn is visibly flattered by this.

"Why...um...Thank you, Mr. Langdon."

"You may call me King Edward."

Jim explained "Quinn was eager to make your acquaintance. She also want's to help with our deal."

King Edward hastily pulled Jim aside and whispered in his ear.

"It is improper to discuss matters of trade in the presence of the fairer sex."

Jim was conflicted by this. On the one hand, Quinn is his business partner as well as his wife. On the other hand, this deal is bringing them both a lot of money. Jim finally decided that it's in everyone's best interest not to upset King Edward.

"Quinn" said Jim, "Why don't you take the boys to the rides? I'll be along shortly."

Quinn was visibly put off by this.

"But Jim, he's sponsoring both of us."

King Edward said "Not to worry, m'lady. We shan't be long."

Quinn decided not to press the issue since she wants this deal just as badly as Jim does.

"Come on, boys. Dad will catch up with us later."

Quinn and the boys left. Once they were gone King Edward sat on his throne as a woman in peasant costume approached with a goblet.

The woman said to the king "Here is thy drink, my liege."

King Edward took one sip and spat it out. Next, he throws the goblet by the woman, spilling the drink on her in the process.

"THIS IS GROG, YOU SIMPLETON! I ORDERED MEAD! OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU WORTHLESS SHREW!"

The woman hurriedly scampered out of there. Jim looks visibly uncomfortable.

Turning to Jim, King Edward said "Good help is so hard to find. You know, Jim..." he smiled ominously, "...thy Queen seems obedient enough. With her in my stable it would cement the bond between our two kingdoms."

Not liking the sound of this at all, Jim said "That's an unusual request. Also, I don't think she'll go for it."

King Edward played his trump card.

"You do want this deal, don't you?"

Jim gulped.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

In the home office Jim was telling Quinn how it went with King Edward after she and the boys left, minus the part where he verbally abused a female staff member.

Quinn said "He wants me to work there!?"

Jim looks nervous until...

"I'd love to." said Quinn.

Jim was surprised by this.

"You...You would!?"

Quinn said "Of course! Back in high school I was in a medieval fair. I played Emily in Canterbury Tales."

In a weak attempt to dissuade her, Jim said "I remember you telling me it didn't end well."

Quinn, not noticing her husband's apprehension, said "Because Jeffy blew his lines, but this is different. These are grown men and women, not moronic high schoolers."

Jim didn't want to tell Quinn his real reason for not wanting her to do this.

"Well...It's just...um.." _Do I tell her it's because I saw him abuse a woman on his staff and I'm worried she'll be subjected to similar treatment._ "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

Quinn said "Of course! I can be a princess AND we can seal this endorsement deal." Now noticing Jim's uneasiness, she asked "Why are you so uncomfortable with this?"

Thinking fast, Jim said "Well, between raising triplets, making videos and maintaining our and Instagram accounts as well as relationships with our other sponsors wouldn't you be stretching yourself pretty thin."

This does nothing to deter Quinn.

"Jim, my mom worked 90 hour weeks and still found time for her family. This is nothing. What else did he say?"

Jim sighed. He'd hoped he could avoid telling Quinn that her professional rival, Jennifer Pearl, was looking to take this sponsor away.

"That Jennifer Pearl threatened to undercut us by fifty percent."

Quinn's eyes narrowed and her voice took on a menacing tone.

"Pearl!"

* * *

**Medieval World, the next day...**

Quinn and a visibly uncomfortable Jim were in the Human Resources office speaking with the HR manager, who happens to be Artie.

Quinn said "I think I'd make an excellent Queen, or noblewoman."

Artie shook his head.

"All the noblewoman positions are filled, unfortunately."

Jim looks relieved until he sees that Quinn is undeterred.

"Well" she said, "I guess I could be a wandering minstrel."

Artie shook his head.

"See, it's like this, you're a woman. Except for the rides and soda we're pretty strict about historical accuracy. With all noblewoman positions filled you're pretty much looking at cleaning wench, stable wench, churning wench and kitchen wench."

Quinn looked disappointed while Jim looked relieved, until...

"I'll do cleaning wench."

Jim was now even more uneasy.

"You sure?"

Quinn said "To avoid losing this sponsor to Jennifer Pearl? You bet."

Jim sighed.

_Well, maybe what I saw the other day was just a one off thing. Maybe they don't usually treat the female staff like crap._

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the town square...**

A female employee was in the stocks while a crier read a proclamation.

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE! FOR THE CRIME OF HAVING HER OWN OPINION THIS LOWLY WENCH IS TO BE PELTED WITH FOOD FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS DAY AND ALL OF THE NEXT. LET THE SPORT BEGIN!"

The woman was mercilessly pelted with food and garbage.

* * *

**An open tent at Medieval World, the next day...**

Quinn was in a thirteenth century peasant costume of a raggedy brown skirt and shirt made of burlap with a hemp rope as a belt. Artie, who's dressed in modern attire of button shirt and dress pants, is explaining the job to Quinn.

"When the tour group passes you take this..."

He handed her a club made of wicker.

"...and use it to beat dirt out of the rug hanging on the clothesline next to you. After the group passes sprinkle dirt on the rug and wait for the next tour group."

Quinn nodded in understanding.

"Sounds simple enough."

Artie smiled.

"Great!"

He pulled Quinn close and whispered in her ear.

"Incidently, if any groups include people with green or gray skin let me know right away, and tell no one. I took this job in the hopes that they wouldn't find me again."

Quinn's puzzled by this request.

"Who?"

Artie said "The aliens. I don't know why they keep coming after me but they do."

With that, Artie hurriedly leaves. One of the wenches, a brunette dressed in the same manner as Quinn, approaches.

"He told you about the aliens, didn't he?"

Quinn nodded.

"Figures."

At this point, a blonde woman in a peasant costume walked by Quinn. This woman was covered in rotten tomatoes, rotten lettuce, rotten egg and looked miserable.

Quinn asked "What happened to you?"

The blonde woman spoke in character with a fake London accent.

"His royal highness placed me in the stocks for mine sloth and insolence."

Quinn gave the blonde woman a curious look.

"Why are you talking like that?"

Replacing her fake British accent with a real American accent, the blonde whispered in Quinn's ear.

"Look, you really don't want the King to catch you breaking character. He once put me in the stocks for humming a Britney Spears tune. My name's Ashley, by the way."

Quinn and Ashley shook hands.

"Quinn."

Ashley said "I know. I watch your YouTube channel."

They're interrupted by the brunette.

"Visitors approach!"

Ashley immediately gets back into character. To the other women she said "To your tasks, everyone."

Quinn took the wicker club and started beating dirt out of the rug. The tour guide is a pudgy, bearded man dressed as a thirteenth century royal crier.

Speaking to the group of tourists, the crier said "You've now seen the barnyard and the royal stables, so we come to more homely beasts of burden, the wenches."

They stop to watch the women work. When Quinn noticed some of them looking directly at her she assumed that she has to explain what she's doing.

"I'm a cleaning wench using this tool to beat dirt out of a rug. You see..."

The crier interrupted her. In a stern tone, he said "Who addressed thee to speak, wench?"

Embarrassed, Quinn said "Sorry. I just thought I was supposed to educate the crowd about..."

She's interrupted again.

"Tis not thy job to educate, slattern. Learn thy place and speak not of thine womanly ignorance!"

Now, Quinn's offended.

"Excuse me! I was just trying to explain how carpets were cleaned in the days before vaccum cleaners were invented."

The crier angrily said "What are these vaccum cleaners thou speaketh of?"

Losing her patience, Quinn said "You know perfectly well that it's supposed to be 1290 and vaccum cleaners wont be invented until the 1900's."

Knowing what's about to happen, Ashley pleads with Quinn.

"Quinn, please hold thy tongue!"

Grinning maliciously, the crier said "If thou can foretell the future then perhaps thou art a witch."

Ashley said "She's no witch, my lord, merely touched in the head."

"Guards!" the crier called out.

Two men dressed as knights approach. The crier points at Quinn.

"Arrest this lowly she-cur on the charge of witchcraft!"

Before that can happen, both King Edward and Jim approach.

"How now" said the king, "Is there unrest in my kingdom?"

Pointing to Quinn, the crier said "That red haired woman is a witch, sire!"

Quinn immediately walked up to King Edward to explain what's going on.

"I was just trying to explain to them my job as a cleaning wench."

King Edward hissed "So, you spoke out of turn and in a manner that hath upset the peace in my realm?"

Quinn gives Jim a look of silently asking for help.

Taking the hint, Jim said "Hold on, King Edward..."

King Edward immediately interrupts.

"If this woman worked her hands as well as she does her serpent's tongue there'd be nary a speck of dust in the whole kingdom."

Jim is about to stick up for Quinn when...

"I wonder, would I recieve the same level of disobedience from Jennifer Pearl?"

Quinn's eyes narrow.

"Pearl!"

She stands and bows her head submissively.

"I did speak out of turn, your majesty, and for that I apologize."

King Edward is pleased.

* * *

**A massive tent with a sign over it that reads "Employees Only"...**

The tent is an outdoor cafeteria. Quinn and Ashley are eating at the table on there lunch break.

Quinn asked "Are they always this strict?"

Ashley nodded.

"You have no idea. They use historical accuracy as an excuse to treat women like crap around here. See that guy by the soda fountain."

Cut to a man dressed as a stereotypical knight in shining armor. Cut back to Ashley and Quinn.

Ashley explained "He started with the same salary as me, but now he makes triple that after only three months. I've been here for two years, never had a raise and recently had to take a pay cut to help pay for that stupid dragon themed roller coaster."

Another woman, this one with light brown hair, joined the conversation.

"Well, King Edward grabbed my ass twice this morning and gave me a titty twister when I served him his drink just now."

Quinn is livid.

"That's sexual harrassment!"

Ashley said "King Edward calls it tomfoolery. You know, he once tried to kiss me and almost fired me when I refused."

Quinn's eyes narrow.

* * *

**The fake castle, the next day...**

**Music:** "Holy Diver" by Dio

King Edward is seated on his throne when a page boy approached.

"My lord, a wench wishes to speak with thee."

Quinn entered as the page boy leaves. King Edward grinned lecherously at her.

"Ah, fair Quinn! To what do I owe..." His voice takes on a suggestive tone, "...the pleasure."

Quinn held her ground as she channeled her inner Helen. "I don't think you'll consider it a pleasure once you hear what I have to say. I've been talking to the other women who work here. Apparently, they've all been groped and fondled against their will by various members of the male staff."

Thinking nothing of it, King Edward said "Tis the nature of virile men."

Quinn is having none of it.

"Tis sexual harrassment! Not only that but I've noticed that women employees are paid less than half of what the men are."

Still not taking her seriously, King Edward said "Tis more than adequate compensation for a mere wench."

Mentioning one of the more aggriveous things she'd heard, Quinn said "Also, I heard one female employee was forced to wear a scarlet letter and then fired because her husband got her pregnant."

King Edward dismissively said "A woman with child is of no use to me."

Quinn was now struggling to keep her temper in check.

"Are you aware of the Gender Discrimination Act of 1978 and the Family Leave Act of 1993!?"

Playing up the historical accuracy excuse, King Edward said "Why would I be? It is but the year 1290."

Quinn groaned in frustration.

"Cut the historical accuracy crap, will you?"

King Edward waved his hand dismissively.

"You have wasted enough of my time, wench. Be gone!"

At this point, Jim entered. He's surprised to see Quinn there.

"Quinn, is there a problem?"

Quinn is about to speak when the king cuts her off.

"She feels the women are treated unfairly. I wonder, James, if I can expect the same insolence from you that I've come to expect from her?"

Jim gulped as he feels trapped between a rock and a hard place.

* * *

**Outside the castle, a short time later...**

Quinn and Jim are having a discussion about what's going on.

"Quinn, are you trying to drive this sponsor away?"

Quinn said "Jim, this place discriminates against women in way I didn't even think were possible in this day and age."

Jim said "I had a suspicion, that's why I was so uneasy with the idea of you working here."

Quinn's jaw dropped.

"Why didn't you say anything before!?"

Protesting, Jim said "Because I knew you'd nix the deal if I did."

Quinn is more than a little disappointed by her husband's thoughtlessness. "You kept me in the dark out of greed!?"

Jim said "Quinn, he's paying us a thousand bucks a just to mention this park in our videos and posts. That's not the usual ad fee."

Quinn responded with a Daria-esque "So, we turn a blind eye to something we both know is wrong just because it's profitable?"

"Hardly the first time" said Jim, "Remember when I stripped during amateur night so Amazon Fashion would sponsor S'mores 'n' Pores?"

Quinn recoiled at the memory. She made Jim do that because she wanted the ad money really badly.

Jim continued "We're partners. Grin and bear it because I've had to on more than one occasion."

Quinn was not entirely convinced.

"Jim, the way this place treats it's female employees isn't right?"

Jim said "I agree, but the fact remains that we either go along with it or sink the deal."

Conflicted, Quinn said "Fine, but I decide how that first thousand is spent."

* * *

**The wenches tent, the next day...**

Quinn is having a discussion with the other women.

"Since they won't do anything about the harrassment and discrimination I say we revive a medieval custom of our own, the peasant revolt."

Ashley said "Quinn, are you crazy!? You're gonna get us all fired!"

Quinn in turn asked "So you like being sexually harrassed and paid less for the same job?"

Ashley said "None of us like that, but there's nothing we can do about it."

The other women nod in agreement. Quinn is undeterred.

"We can do something about it. We band together and, with one voice, demand to be treated like human beings."

Ashley said "Look, Quinn, I get what you're saying and I totally agree with you but I can't afford to take that risk. My daughter's first high school dance is coming up and she insists on a Louis Vutton gown."

Remembering her Fashion Club days, Quinn said "Trust me, as a former high school fashionista myself she'll look back in twenty years and see how incredibly stupid to whole high school popularity game is. Besides, this will work if we stick together. It's not like King Edward can fire all of us. Who'll do the 'women's work' then? You honestly think the knight's are gonna step up?"

The other women see Quinn's point. Ashley smiles.

"Alright, we're in. What's the plan?"

Quinn got out a grocery bag full of egg cartons.

"We wait until the King's got a massive audience, then we strike."

* * *

**Medieval World, day...**

The tourists are going about there business, taking tours and playing games. Cut to kids enjoying the rides. Cut to an arena and we see spectators watching two kinghts joust on horseback while in another section of the arena we see two other knights engage in swordfighting. Cut to the square and we see crowds walking until the sound of trumpets blare. Cut to a crier in the middle of the square.

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE! MAKE WAY FOR HIS MAJESTY KING EDWARD!"

The castle opens and we see King Edward walk out with his entourage. Cut to the crowd. We see Quinn, Ashley and other female employees. They're descreetly pocketing eggs. Cut to King Edward as he sits on a throne erected at the other end of the square. Suddenly...

Quinn: (VO, off screen) "NOW!"

Quinn and others emerged from the crowd. Quinn throws the first egg and it hits King Edward right in the face. He angrily stands up and wipes the raw egg off.

"WHO DARE'S!?"

Quinn and the other women approach.

"We dare!"

King Edward points at Quinn.

"GUARDS, SEIZE HER!"

Quinn is confident that the other women will come to her aid until.

King Edward: "ANY WHO INTERFERE SHALL BE FOREVER BANISHED AND I SHALL SEE TO IT THEY NEVER WORK ANYWHERE AGAIN!"

That threat was enough to make Ashley and the others lose their resolve and lay down the eggs. Quinn is stunned.

"GUYS, HE CAN'T FIRE ALL OF US!"

King Edward smirked.

"I can and I will."

The other women start to walk away. Ashley faced Quinn one last time.

"I'm sorry, Quinn, but I need this job."

The guards grab Quinn and drag her up to the throne. King Edward draws his sword.

"THE ONE WENCH REBELLION OF 1290 HATH BEEN CRUSHED!"

The guards force Quinn down on her knees. King Edward points his sword at her.

"YOU ARE GUILTY OF HIGH TREASON, DAUGHTER OF EVE! TAKE HER TO THE STOCKS!"

The guards forceably drag Quinn to the stocks and place her in. As she was locked in, Quinn shouted "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!"

One of the guards actually smacked Quinn upside the head.

"BE SILENT, HARLOT!"

Once Quinn is locked in the stocks the guards pick up the raw eggs that the women put down.

King Edward shouted "LET THE PUNISHMENT OF THIS VILE SLUT BEGIN!"

Quinn was savagely pelted with raw eggs.

* * *

**Meanwhile, nearby...**

Jim is walking around the theme park. Something immediately grabbed his attention. He looked and saw commotion in the square in front of the castle.

"Wonder what kind of show this is."

He entered the square and made his way through the crowd.

Tourist: "She devil."

Tourist: "Burn her!"

Tourist: "Make her suffer!"

Jim makes it close enough to see what's going on. His eyes go wide.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

Quinn is in the stocks covered in all sorts of trash. The whole crowd are pelting her with raw eggs, rotten tomatoes and garbage. Quinn looks miserable. King Edward and his guards watch with sadistic grins on there faces. Jim is absolutely furious. He immediately ran up and stood in front of Quinn.

"ENOUGH! SHOW'S OVER!"

One person throws a tomato at Jim. He catches it and crushes it in his hand.

"LEAVE, NOW!"

As the crowd disperses, Jim opens the stocks.

Quinn said "Jim, what are you doing!?"

"Getting you out of here."

Quinn panicked.

"NO! Jim, we'll lose the sponsorship!"

King Edward and his guards walked up to Jim and Quinn.

The king said "You should listen to your shrew. In her nagging there is wisdom."

Jim loses his cool.

"Dammit, you can't treat people like this!"

King Edward dismissively said "I shall do whatever I wish in MY kingdom!"

Jim approached the king.

"THAT'S IT! TAKE OFF THAT CROWN, FANBOY! I'M KICKING YOUR ASS!"

Before Jim can make good on that promise the guards close ranks around the king, who smirks triumphantly.

King Edward smugly said"You demand satisfaction, do you? Very well, we joust on the morrow! If you can knock me off my trusty steed then I shall apologize to thee and pay thee double the original agreed amount. However, if I should unhorse thee then I shall give my sponsorship money to Jennifer Pearl and you and your slattern shall be forever banished from my kingdom. Doust thou accept my terms?"

Jim speaks in a menacing growl.

"Bring it on, asshole!"

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in the living room discussing the next day's joust.

"Jim, are you crazy?"

Still pissed at how his wife was treated, Jim said "Quinn, I'm not letting that asshole get away with what he did."

Quinn said "But you've never ridden a horse in your life. Why don't you let me joust instead?"

Jim felt totally emasculated hearing that.

"Quinn, he challenged me and I'm doing this to make a point."

Quinn said "Jim, you don't know the first thing about riding a horse. At least I took riding lessons as a kid in Texas."

Jim now looks embarrassed.

"See, that's another thing. I was hoping you could give me some pointers."

Quinn said "Jim, riding a horse isn't like driving a car."

Jim said "Quinn, we're in this together. Isn't that what you're always saying?"

"I can't just tell you how to ride a horse. It takes time and we don't have that."

"Quinn, please. Our reputations are at stake."

Quinn looks thoughtful.

* * *

**The jousting arena at Medieval World, the next day...**

Kevin, Brittany and Sandi among the spectators in the stands.

Kevin said "Like, I thought Jim couldn't ride a horse."

Sandi said "He can't. That king's gonna kick his ass."

Kevin asked "You think he'll kill Jim?"

Sandi suddenly looked hopeful. Maybe such a tragedy would give her an opportunity to turn a straight widow.

"Um, If this king, or whatever, kills Jim, what are my chances with Quinn?"

Brittany twirls her hair and looks vacant.

"I think responsibility for widows goes from children to neighbors. Quinn's boys are too young, Chan's an asshole and me and Kevie have our hands full already. Sandi, this could be your shot."

Sandi is too desperate to see how illogical this is and Kevin's too dumb to know any better.

Kevin said "Cool!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the stables...**

Jim is settling on his horse. He's wearing a brown tunic over a chain mail shirt and riding pants. A stable boy hands Jim a lance.

Quinn said "Jim, remember what I told you. To make the horse go slow lightly tap him with your heels and tug the reign in the direction you want to go. To speed up forceably crack the reign and shout 'Yah'. To make the horse slow down and stop tug on the reign and say 'whoa'. Got it?"

"I think so."

Quinn hands Jim a metal helmet with a face guard that's a plate visor with two eye slits and breathing holes.

"Good luck, Jim. You'll need it."

"Thanks."

He puts the helmet and mask on. As the horse makes it's way to the arena, Jim struggles to hold on. Once he's gone Quinn walks to the corner and gets out a duffle bag she'd hidden there.

* * *

**The arena, a short time later..**

**Music:** Valhalla" by Black Sabbath

King Edward emerged from one side while Jim emerged from the other. King Edward is clad in ornately decorated plate armor.*

*(Which is historically inaccurate. In 1290 knights wore chain mail. Plate armor didn't come into use until around 1400.)

Jim took his place at one end while King Edward took his place at the other.

King Edward: "YAH!"

Jim: "Um...GIDDY U...WHOOOOOAAAAAA!"

They charged at each other. King Edward held his lance steady while Jim struggled to keep from falling off of his horse. The king knocked Jim to the ground with ease. As Jim sat up and took his helmit and face mask off the king rode up to taunt him.

Pointing his lance, King Edward said "Tell me, peasant, how does it feel to have lost the sponsorship, your wife's honor and thy own in one mighty thrust of my lance?"

Suddenly, there's the neighing of a third horse. Jim, the king and the spectators look and see another knight enter the arena. This knight is clearly a woman as she has a slight yet voluptous frame. Her helmet and face mask conceal her identity. She's wearing a pink tunic over her armor. The tunic has a yellow smiley face on it. This knight points her lance at the king and motions for him to get into position for another joust.

"I shall resume taunting you, Jim, after I have dispatched this upstart."

King Edward rides to his starting position. He and the pink knight stare each other down.

King Edward: "YAH!"

Pink Knight: "YAH!"

They charge at each other. They both hold their lances steady. The pink knight ducks the kings lance while knocking the king off of his horse with her own. As the king sits up the pink knight rides over to him and taunts him in a very familiar voice.

Pink Knight: "King Asshole..."

She takes off her helmet and mask, revealing herself to be Quinn.

Quinn: "...you just got your ass kicked by a girl!"

The king's public humiliation doesn't end there as he is now approached by the other women, led by Ashley.

King Edward shouted at the women "HELP ME UP, YOU WORTHLESS GAGGLE OF SHREWS!"

Ashley handed him a sheet of paper.

"WHAT IS THIS!?"

Ashley said "It's a subpeona, jerk!"

He read the subpeona. As he does, his British accent turns into a New York accent.

"New Jersey Department of Labor...Wage Discrimination?...Gender Bias?...SEXUAL HARASSMENT!? AW, CRAP, I'M GONNA LOSE MY THEME PARK! I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO SELLING INSURANCE!"

* * *

**Later, in the parking lot...**

Quinn and Jim walking hand in hand into the sunset.

Jim said "You didn't have to do that, Quinn."

Quinn said "Yes I did. Jim, you had no chance of winning."

Jim frowned.

"You know, the guys are never gonna stop giving me crap for this."

Quinn said "So?"

Jim explained "I'm a man. Saving the day is my job. What good am I to you if you have to come to my rescue?"

Trying not to laugh, Quinn said "Jim, I don't care if you're a fighter or not. If the guys give you crap just kick one of there asses."

Relieved, Jim said "Yeah. Um...Thanks."

Quinn reassured her husband further.

"Jim, I didn't win. We did. This is your victory just as much as mine."

"I know."

They kiss.

* * *

**Next Time**

Kevin is tired of being a clown for hire so he tries his hand at a new profession: Bounty Hunting. What could possibly go wrong?


	3. Kevin The Bounty Hunter

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 33**

**"Kevin The Bounty Hunter"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**The Lawndale Department Of Motor Vehicles, day...**

Kevin was waiting in line to have his driver's license renewed. He noticed the guy in front of him was wearing a dark blue cap. The guy is incredibly muscular with a long mullet and a biker mustache. What really catches Kevin's attention, however, is what's on the front of the guys cap. The cap has big yellow letters in military block style that read "Bounty Hunter". Kevin tapped the guy on the shoulder.

"Whattayou want?" the guy said in an annoyed tone.

Kevin said "I just wanted to say I like your cap. Where'd you get it?"

Calming down, the man said "Jimbo's School of Bounty Hunting."

Kevin asked "That at the mall?"

Trying not to laugh, the man said "No, it's where I was certified. I'm a professional bounty hunter."

Kevin's eyes light up in amazement.

"Cool! So, like, what store do they sell those caps at?"

The guy said "They don't sell 'em. You gotta get certified as a bounty hunter and then they issue you one."

Kevin looked totally deflated.

"Aw, Man!"

The bounty hunter now felt bad for Kevin.

"Look, you're a little outta shape, but that don't matter. Not like we're actual cops or anything. Why don't you take the class and try your hand at being a bounty hunter?"

Kevin looks curious.

"Like, I don't have time."

The bounty hunter reassured him.

"Don't need it. Course only take one evening. After that, they license you to be a bounty hunter and you get this cool cap."

Kevin now looks thoughtful.

* * *

**The Thompson house, later that day...**

Kevin, Jim, Mack and Chuck were on Kevin's front porch drinking beer and talking.

"Guys, guess what," said Kevin, "I've decided to change careers. I'm gonna be a bounty hunter."

The other guys looked at Kevin strangely.

Jim said "Kevin, you don't know the first thing about police procedure."

Kevin replied "How would you know?"

"My dad's a retired cop."

Chuck said "Kevin, you do realize you need to be licensed to do that, right?"

Kevin said "Yeah, that's why I'm taking a class tomorrow night. Day after I start my career as a bounty hunter. By the way, Jim, can I borrow your gun?"

Jim swiftly said "No."

Kevin said "But, like, how am I gonna shoot bad guys?"

Rolling his eyes, Mack said "Kevin, do you have even the first idea how bounty hunters operate today?"

Kevin said "Duh, Mack-Daddy, I've played Red Dead Redemption often enough to know how it's done. Once I'm licensed all I'll need is a gun and a horse."

The other guys gave Kevin a pitying look.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn and Sandi are in the kitchen having tea and catching up.

"So, Sandi," said Quinn, "How's your profile on ? Any hits?"

Sandi sighed. "No."

At this point the Carbone's greyhound, Stripe, came up to Sandi and nudged her. Sandi looked at the dog, who happily wags her tail.

"Hey, Stripe."

Sandi scratched Stripe behind her ears. The dog responded by affectionately licking her wrist.

"Aren't you just the most precious thing."

Stripe placed her front paws on Sandi's chair, hoisted herself up and affectionately licked Sandi's face, her tail wagging the whole time.

"Yes, Stripey, I love you too."

At this point Jim came back from Kevin's.

"Hey, Quinn, hey, Sandi. Sorry to run out again, but we know what time it is."

Jim reached for Stripe's leash. Stripe sees this and runs excitedly toward him.

"Yeah, girl," said Jim as he put the leash on her, "It's time for your walk."

Quinn and Sandi watch as Jim and the dog leave. Once they're gone the two women face each other. Quinn gets an idea.

"You know, Sandi, maybe you wouldn't be so lonely if you got a dog."

Sandi said "I don't think so. As much as I like Stripe I'm really more of a cat person."

Quinn said "I used to think the same way until we got Storm. I've been hooked on dogs ever since. Nothing against cats, but dogs are so much more rewarding. They listen, they love you unconditionally. In some ways a relationship with a dog can be even more satisfying than a relationship with another person."

Sandi looks thoughtful.

* * *

**A strip mall, the following evening...**

Tucked away in a little corner of the shopping center is a small place with a sign the reads "Adult Education Center". Inside, Kevin is seated in a classroom. The instructor is a guy in a sleeveless shirt, faded jeans and a cap the reads "Bounty Hunter" on the front. This instructor is a pudgy man with a mustache and a mullett.

"Class," he said in a southern accent, "My name is Clyde, an' I'm gonna be yer instructor tonight."

Clyde spits some tobacco into a spitoon.

"I'm gonna teach y'all 'bout takin' down scum."

Kevin raised his hand.

Clyde said "Yep?"

Kevin said "What if you don't own a gun?"

Clyde said "Well, even though it ain't legal in this state, damn yankee liberals, this 'ere's 'Murica an' we got a God-given right to be shootin'. Once we finish class fer th' evenin' I'm gonna give each an' ev'ry one o' ya yer vury own guns." To make the point, Clyde points to a table. The table has a pile of diplomas, a pile of "Bounty Hunter" caps, a pile of handguns and a pile of assault rifles.

Another person in the class said "I thought you couldn't do that in this state."

"Ya cain't," said Clyde, "But I'll be damned if I'm gon' let a bunch o' freedom hatin' hippies not let ya'll have guns just 'cause we live in a blue state 'stead o' tha real 'Murica."

Kevin said "Cool!"

* * *

**One hour later...**

The class is over and they're all in line at the table. Kevin approaches.

"Congradulashuns," said Clyde, "Ya done good, Kevin." He hands Kevin a certificate. "Yer now a licensed boundy hun'er." He hands Kevin his "Bounty Hunter" cap. "Her ya go." He hands Kevin a handgun, "Yer vury own Glock," he hands Kevin an assault rifle, "An' yer vury own AR-15."

Kevin puts own his cap, stows the Glock in his belt, and looks at his AR-15 in amazement.

"Cool!"

* * *

**Thompson house, the next day...**

Kevin has invited Jim, Chris, Mack and Chuck over. They're in the living room.

"Guys," said Kevin, "I asked you over because I have some good news."

He takes off his Philadelphia Eagles cap and replaces it with his new Bounty Hunter cap.

"I'm now a licensed bounty hunter. Pretty cool, huh?"

The other guys stare in wide eyed, open mouthed shock.

Chris said "You've gotta be shitting me!"

Mack said "You're a bounty hunter!?"

Kevin said "Yeah, the class was easy. They even gave me free guns. Pretty cool, huh, Mack-Daddy?"

"No, it isn't, and quit calling me that!"

Kevin said "Check this out."

He picked up a can of beer in one hand and pulled out his Glock with the other. The other guys took a HUGE step back.

Kevin said "I saw this on an episode of The Simpsons."

He aims his gun at the can and tries to shoot it open. The shot knocks the can out of Kevin's hand and the bullet riccochets and shatters open one of the windows. Kevin then blushes with embarrassment.

"Sorry!"

Chuck said "Will you put that thing away before you get us all killed!?"

Kevin starts to put the gun back when an accidental discharge shoots a hole in the floor.

"DAMMIT, KEVIN," Jim shouted, "ENGAGE THE SAFETY!"

"Uh...What's a safety?"

Jim groans in frustration. Kevin reaches behind the sofa. "You think that gun was cool..." he pulls out the AR-15, "...check this out."

The other guys gasp in horror, which flies right over Kevin's head. He aims the rifle at a flower vase that's in front of another window and opens fire. The rapid spraying of ammo destroys the vase and the recoil causes Kevin to shatter the window and make the wall around it look like Swiss cheese before he releases the trigger.

"Pretty cool, huh? Um...guys?"

The guys are all taking cover behind various pieces of furniture.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the animal shelter...**

A shelter volunteer, a teenager in emo clothes, is leading Sandi among the rows of dogs. Sandi is explaining what she wants.

"I want a dog who's a cute and cuddly companion. Do you have any poodles?"

Shrugging, the volunteer said "No, this isn't a pet shop. What you see is what you get."

Just then a dog catches Sandi's eye. This dog is a huge Rottweiler with a red muzzle. Sandi and the dog make eye contact.

"Does this dog have a name?" she asked.

The volunteer doesn't respond because he's listening to his I-pod. Sandi looks at the dog again.

"I think I'll call you...Rex."

Rex eyed Sandi with an intensity that most people would recognize as hostility but she thinks is affection. Sandi looked at the label on Rex's cage. He's scheduled to be euthanized.

"My God," she gasped.

The volunteer saw Sandi making eye contact with the Rottweiler.

"Uh...You sure you want that one?"

Sandi said "You're gonna kill him!?"

The guy said "Look, I don't get a say and..."

"How could you be so cruel!?" Sandi asked.

The teenager tried to explain.

"Look...it's just...well..."

"Save it!" Sandi barked, "I'm taking this dog home."

"But...but..."

Sandi's withering gaze caused him to lose his nerve.

* * *

**Later...**

Sandi is walking out with Rex on a leash. As soon as she's gone the shelter manager, a man in his fifties, approaches.

"Where's the Rottweiler?" the manager asked.

The teenager said "A lady just adopted him."

The manager's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped.

"Are you kidding me!? You let someone take that thing home!?"

The teenager said "She insisted."

The manager said "Did you tell her that dog has a severe aggression problem, that all attempts to rehabilitate him failed and that's why we have to put him down!?"

The teenager said "Knew I forgot something."

* * *

**Sandi's house, evening...**

Sandi is in the living room with her new dog, a rottweiler named Rex.

"This is your new home, Rex," she said, "Now, let's take that muzzle off."

Sandi removed Rex's muzzle. Once it's off the dog looks at her with a murderous rage in it's eyes.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

This made Sandi nervous.

"Um...Rex?"

Rex responded.

"ARF! ARF! GRRRRR-RUFF!"

The dog charged at her, gnashing his teeth the whole time. Sandi jumped out of the way. Rex looks at her.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF-GRRRRRRRRRRR-RUFF!"

He charged at her again. Sandi ducked out of the way and Rex hit the couch and bit massive chunks out of it, shredding the cushoins to pieces. Sandi was now terrified as it's clear that Rex wants to do to her what he's doing to the sofa.

"Um...nice diggie!"

Rex stopped mauling the couch and looked at Sandi.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

He lunged at her and she backs away just in time as his teeth only grab the hem of her shirt and tear it clean off. Sandi is now horrified.

"Um...Rex...uh..."

Rex stopped eating her shirt and got ready to attack again. Sandi turned and ran for her life. Rex clamped down on her pants leg as she tried to escape. This caused Sandi to fall face first on the floor as the dog pulled her pants off and chewed them to pieces. Suddenly Rex looked up and saw a now stripped to her bra and panties Sandi get up. The dog looked at her with unmistakeable bloodlust in his eyes.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Sandi ran down the hallway as Rex chased after her, fully intent of tearing her to pieces. She turned and ducked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Frantic, Sandi locked the door. Suddenly, through the door she heard...

"RUFF-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF"

The dog charged at the bathroom door so hard that the hinges start to come lose. Sandi shrieked in sheer terror.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

She ran to the shower, which had a sliding glass door, and closed herself in. The bathroom door then fell down off of it's hinges. Sandi can only watch in helpless horror as Rex charges at the shower door so hard that the glass breaks and the dog feels no pain as he's too hell bent on killing Sandi.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are sitting down at the kitchen table and having dinner when there's a very frantic knocking on the front door.

"What the hell!?" asked Quinn.

Jim said "I'll get it."

He gets up and answers the front door. Standing there is a VERY frightened Sandi wearing only her bra and panties and covered in cuts and bruises.

Raising an eyebrow, Jim said "My God, Sandi, what happened!?"

Before she can answer there's the sound of barking. Rex runs across the street toward the house, hell bent on ripping Sandi to pieces.

"OUTTA MY WAY!" Sandi frantically shouted as she shoved Jim aside and ran into the house. Seeing a rottweiler charge at them with murderous rage in his eyes Jim immediately slams the door shut just in time to cause Rex to crash into it face first. Jim swiftly locks and deadbolts the door. As Rex continues to lunge at the door from outside Jim turns to find Sandi cowering in a corner. Her eyes dart left to right as she shakes like a leaf. Quinn comes out of the kitchen. The sight of Sandi causes Quinn to gasp in horror.

"Sandi," Quinn exclaimed, "What happened!?"

Sandi said "I...I'm h...having a little trouble bonding with my new dog. C...Can I sleep in your guestroom t...tonight!?"

* * *

**Carter County Jail, the next day...**

Kevin is in line with baliffs, police and other bounty hunters at the bondsman's office. The bondsman, a stocky guy with receding black hair, is handing out assignments and arrest warrants. Kevin approaches the desk.

"So," said the bondsman, "You're one of the newbies, huh?"

Kevin said "Yeah, I'm, like, ready to take down some bad guys."

With a dismissive shrug, the bondsman said "Whatever. Anyways, I've got the perfect assignment for you." He hands Kevin a file. "This guy's wanted for failure to pay an outstanding parking ticket by the due date."

"Cool!," said Kevin, "You want me to shoot him?"

The bondsman said "No, just bring him in. If he pays the ticket after that then he's free to go. No excessive force."

Taking the file, Kevin said "Don't worry, dude. Kevin the bounty hunter always gets his man."

The bondsman said "Whatever. NEXT!"

* * *

**The Sloane Mansion, a short time later...**

Kevin rings the doorbell. A latin man answers.

"Si, can I help you?"

Kevin said "Like, is Tom here?"

The butler said "Uno momento, senor."

The butler went inside. Seconds later, Tom came to the door. He recognized Kevin.

"Mr. Thompson, can I help you?"

Kevin said "You, like, didn't pay a praking ticket."

Tom immediately facepalms himself.

"God, I completely forgot about that!"

Kevin said "Well, I'm a bounty hunter and I have to, like, take you in."

Tom nods in understanding.

"That's fair. I can pay it at the station. Let me get my wallet real quick and we can go."

Kevin pulled his Glock on Tom.

"You, like, think I'm stupid? You're gonna run."

Tom groaned in frustration.

"Kevin, I'm not going to run. I just forgot to pay the ticket. I'm more than happy to come with you to the station to clear this matter up. You can even come in and wait while I get my wallet."

Kevin said "You're gonna run."

Rolling his eyes, Tom said "Kevin, you know me! I'm not gonna go on the run just to get out of paying a parking ticket. Just give me a minute to get my wallet and we can go."

Tom turned to go get his wallet when Kevin immediately opened fire. The bullet hits Tom's left ass cheek and caused him to fall to the floor and scream.

"AAAAHHHHH! KEVIN, WHAT THE HELL!?"

Kevin said "You were, like, resisting arrest!"

Tom barked "NO, I WAS GETTING MY WALLET AND YOU SHOT ME IN THE ASS!"

Kevin walked up to Tom and handcuffed him. As he does he accidentally puts pressure on the bullet wound in Tom's rear.

"AAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Kevin said "Like, let this be a lesson to pay parking tickets on the due date."

Tom shouted "I'M GONNA FREAKING SUE YOU AND THE COUNTY FOR THIS, YOU IDIOT!"

* * *

**Casa Carbone...**

Rex is still outside the front door when it starts to open. The dog immediately assumed a fighting stance.

"GRRRRRRRRR!"

Jim came out with a leash in one hand and Rex's muzzle in the other. The dog prepared to attack.

"GRRRRRRRR-RUFF!"

Jim stood his ground. His posture made it clear that he is not the least bit intimidated.

"Don't even think about it, pal."

Rex quickly calmed down. Finally, he sits.

"Good," said Jim in a stern tone, "Now, are you gonna let me leash you up or do I have to open up a can of whoop ass on you first?"

Rex allowed Jim to put on both the leash and the muzzle without incident.

* * *

**Sandi's house, later...**

Jim lead Rex into a dog cage while Quinn and Sandi clean up the mess from the night before.

Sandi said "Thanks for doing this?"

Quinn said "No problem, Sandi."

Jim said "What I don't get is why you thought getting this dog was a good idea. He obviously has severe psychological problems."

Sandi said "I didn't know that when I got him."

Quinn put a phone back on the reciever and says "There, all done."

She turned to Sandi.

"Sandi," she said, "Maybe you should return this dog to the animal shelter."

Sandi said "I can't do that. They were gonna put him down."

Sarcastic, Jim said "Gee, I wonder why."

Adamant, Sandi said "Look, I appreciate your concern but I can do this."

Worried, Quinn said "Like last night when this dog nearly killed you."

"Well, Kuh-winn," said Sandi as her old haughtiness returned, "If you know so much about dogs why don't YOU take him."

Jim said "Look, Sandi, I was only able to get him to behave by placing myself at great personal risk. I could just as easily be fighting for my life in the ER right now."

Sandi said "You don't understand. Rex and I are the same. We're both unloved and unwanted."

Quinn said "Sandi, that's not true. Even before we knew you were related to us we considered you family."

Sandi said nothing but appears adamant.

Jim said "Look, if you really wanna do this the key is to establish yourself as the alpha. Don't let this dog intimidate you. Hold your ground when he gets vicious. Dogs have a strong pack mentality that makes them very responsive to any sign of dominance. Don't let your fear show because that sets off their hunting instinct."

* * *

**Later, after Quinn and Jim have left...**

Sandi lets Rex out of his cage.

_You can do this. You can do this! YOU CAN DO THIS!_

Sandi takes Rex's muzzle off. Predictably, the dog begins snarling and gets ready to attack. After taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, Sandi stands above the dog.

"You, like, don't own me. I own you."

Rex calms down and sits.

"Good," said Sandi, "Now, let me get your leash so we can go for a walk."

As soon as her back is turned, Rex begins snarling again. As Sandi turns back he lunges at her.

"AAAHHHHHHH! REX, BAD DOG!"

Rex bit the leash out of Sandi's hand. Terrified, she ran out the door as Rex chased after her. She ran across the front yard. Rex caught up and nearly got her but she dodged his attack in time. Sandi ran to the house and locked the door. Suddenly, Rex jumped in through the window. Sandi backed away as Rex snarled at her. The dog is so hell bent on killing her that he doesn't seem to even notice that his face is all cut up from the window glass. Desperate, Sandi quickly crawled into the dog cage and locked herself in. Rex attacked the cage.

"REX, NO! DOWN, BOY!"

The dog continued his assault on the cage.

**A/N:** Way to show who's boss, Sandi.

* * *

**Carter County Jail...**

Kevin is in the bond office getting an ass chewing for how he handled Tom.

"YOU IDIOT!," the bondsman shouted, "YOU WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO BRING HIM IN!"

Kevin protested "But I thought he was gonna run for it!"

The bondsman said "SO YOU SHOT HIM IN HIS ASS!"

"Dude," said Kevin, "It was an accident. I was aiming for his leg."

The bondsman said "And now he can sue us for excessive force and assault with a deadly weapon."

In a dopey tone Kevin said "Sorry."

The bondsman said "Give me one good reason not to have a judge revoke your license right now!"

"Come on!" Kevin protested, "So I got carried away. It was my first assignment."

"WHICH YOU F#$ UP ROYALLY!"

Kevin begged "Please give me another chance. I don't wanna go back to being a clown!"

The bondsman sighed in frustration.

"Okay, fine. One more chance and that's it."

Kevin smiled. "Cool! Thanks, dude."

The bondsman handed Kevin a file.

"Look, since you're so trigger happy maybe this assignment would be a better fit. This guy was busted for operating a dog fighting ring in Camden. We think he's hiding at the address in the file. Go there and, if he's there, take him down."

Kevin was so excited to get real action that he did a fist pump.

"AWRIGHT!"

Stern, the bondsman said "You screw this up, pal, and I'll see to it that your bounty hunting days are over!"

* * *

**A trailer in the woods, sometime later...**

Kevin walked up to the front door and knocks. The door is answered by a black man with a shaved head dressed in gang colors.

"Man, whatchu want?"

Kevin said "You, like, skipped bail. I'm taking you in."

Smug, the guy said "Man, you trippin'."

Kevin pulled out his Glock.

"Like, you're under arrest."

The gang member rolled his eyes.

"You ain't gonna shoot me."

Kevin said "What makes you think that?"

The gang member said "Your safety's on."

Kevin said "Really!?"

He deactivated the safety.

"Thanks."

The gang member closed the door right in Kevin's face.

"HEY!" Kevin shouted, "Like, don't resist!"

Just then, iron gates in front of an adjacent building open. A bunch of snarling pitbulls come running out and surround Kevin.

"Uh, nice diggies!"

The dogs slowly move in for the kill. Kevin aims his Glock at them.

"Get back!"

The vicious dogs come in closer.

"EEP!"

Kevin shoots at them and misses. One of the dogs barks.

"RUFF! RUFF! GRRRRRRR-RUFF!"

Kevin panics and drops his gun, resulting in an accidental discharge. The gun bounces and lands on the ground behind the pack of attack dogs. Kevin is now terrified.

"Uhhhh...good boys!"

The pit bulls slowly move in for the kill. Kevin is so frightened that he wets his pants.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, day...**

Jim is in the garage and has just wrapped up another car video. As he begins to put up his camera equipment his cell phone goes off. He answers.

"Hello?"

On the other end Kevin was on the roof of his Hummer, which is surrounded by a pack of snarling pitbulls who wanna tear him limb from limb.

"Jim, you've gotta help me!"

Sighing, Jim asked "What's wrong?"

Kevin said "I went to take down a guy who skipped bail after running some kind of dog fighting thing or something and...and..."

Jim could hear the dogs snarling on his end.

"Kevin, where are you now?"

Kevin said "I'm on top of my Hummer and surrounded by dogs who wanna kill me!"

Jim said "Did you bring your guns?"

"I left the rifle at home!"

"What about the Glock?"

Kevin said "I dropped it. I ran to my Hummer but lost the keys. YOU'VE GOTTA GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Jim asked "What's the address?"

Kevin answered "369 on Route 51."

Jim said "I know where that is. I'll be there as fast as I can."

They both hang up.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Sandi's house...**

Sandi was still cowering in the dog cage. Rex is asleep on the floor, having worn himself out trying to get to Sandi.

_If I can get to his muzzle and put it on I'll be safe._

She takes a deep breath to calm her nerves. After this, Sandi slowly opened the cage, ready to slam it shut again if Rex wakes up. Fortunately, the dog continued to sleep. Taking extra care to be quiet Sandi made her way to where his muzzle was. Once she had it she nervously walked over to the sleeping Rottweiler.

_If I can get it on without waking him I should be okay._

She approached Rex. He suddenly spasms and makes a whimpering sound. Sandi takes a deep breath to keep from freaking out.

_It's okay. He's just having a vivid dream._

Sandi gently lifted Rex's head off the floor, ready to make a run for it if he wakes up. Finally, the muzzle is secure on Rex. She fastens it when...

"Urmp"

Sandi jumped with a start, but Rex continues to sleep. She breathes a huge sigh of relief.

_I wonder what he's dreaming about. Probably sweet, innocent puppy thoughts._

* * *

**Meanwhile, inside Rex's mind...**

Rex is alternating between dreaming about ripping Sandi's arms off, ripping her legs off, tearing her throat out with his teeth and eating her guts while she screams in agony. In this dream Rex enjoys every second of ripping Sandi apart and eating her alive.

* * *

**In reality...**

Sandi smiled at the sleeping dog.

_He looks so peaceful._

* * *

**A wooded area just outside of Lawndale, a short time later...**

Kevin was on top of his Hummer while the pack of bloodthirsty pitbulls continue to snarl at him. One of them tried to jump up but can't make it.

"RUFF!"

Kevin reacted.

"AAAAHHHHHH!"

Just then, one of them managed to jump onto the hood. Kevin is now terrified.

"EEP!"

Just then, Jim's Camaro pulled up right by them. The Camaro slides and spins to a screeching halt, kicking up a lot of dust in the process. This gets the attention og the attack dogs as they lose interest in Kevin and start to surround Jim's car. Jim revs the supercharged pushrod V8 (his Camaro's a ZL1).

VRRROOOOOOMMMMM! VRRROOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!

The attack dogs move in for the kill when the passenger side door opens.

"GET 'EM, STRIPE!"

Jim and Quinn's greyhound, Stripe, leapt out of the Camaro and snarled at the pitbulls. One leapt at her and she responded by biting it's neck and wrestling it to the ground. Stripe snarls as the one she attacked returns to the safety of the pack. From the car Jim gives his dog another command.

"STRIPE, RUN!"

Stripe takes off and the whole pack of pitbulls chase after her. They can't catch her on account of they're all pitbulls while Stripe's a greyhound. Jim calls out.

"KEVIN, GET IN HERE WHILE STRIPE HAS THEIR ATTENTION!"

Kevin jumped off of his Hummer and ran into Jim's Camaro, closing the passenger side door behind him.

"Hold on!" said Jim as he sped after the dogs. He blocks the attack dogs' path and opened the driver's side door.

"STRIPE, COME ON! HERE, STRIPEY!"

Stripe ran into the Camaro, across Jim's lap and into the back seat. Jim then closed the door just in time for the lead attack dog to crash right into it. With both Kevin and Stripe safely in the car Jim floors it. The dogs give chase but quickly learn that if you can't catch a greyhound then you definitely can't catch a muscle car that can go from 0 to 60 in 3.5 seconds.

Once they're safely away, Jim slows down to a normal speed.

"Thanks, man," said Kevin, "I thought I was dead."

Jim said "Kevin, this isn't the first time I've saved your ass and probably won't be the last time either."

Kevin said "Yeah, thanks."

"Kevin," said Jim, "Maybe bounty hunting isn't for you."

Kevin said "Why do you say that, dude?"

Jim explained "You took one class taught by a redneck who thought it was a good idea to give you automatic weapons. You nearly got killed on this assignment and I heard about you accidentally shooting Tom Sloan in the ass."

"Come on, Jim," said Kevin, "So my first two missions didn't go right. So what?"

Jim said "Did I also mention how you made your house look like Swiss cheese while showing off your guns?"

Kevin looks thoughtful.

"You know, maybe bounty hunting isn't my thing after all."

Jim had a 'well, duh' look on his face.

Kevin said "I'm keeping the cool hat, though."

Jim reacts with an eye roll.

* * *

**The park...**

Sandi was at the dog park with a leashed and muzzled Rex. She's talking to a good looking guy.

"So," said the guy, "You're a dog lover."

Sandi said "I know. They're such wonderful animals."

They approach the dog park. Sandi's about to enter when a park worker stops her.

"Hold it, miss. No muzzles aloud."

Sandi said "But...but..."

"Those are the rules."

Sandi sees the cute guy play with his dog and silently pines.

"But, I was hitting it off with that guy."

The park worker said "No problem, just take the muzzle off and I'll let you in."

Against her better judgment, Sandi takes Rex's muzzle off.

"GRRRRRRRRR-RUFF-RUFF-RUFF!"

Rex immediately tries to attack Sandi. She turns and runs down the street as Rex chases after her.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are in the living room watching TV when the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it." said Quinn as she got up off of the couch and answered the door. Once the door is open, Sandi frantically runs into the house.

"CLOSE THE DOOR, QUINN!"

Quinn closes the door just in time for Rex to crash into it. Quinn next turns to see that Sandi's exhausted, her clothes are all torn and she's covered in cuts and bruises.

"My God! Sandi, what happened!?"

Sandi said "I..._gasp_...don't...care...if...they...kill...him..._puff_...I'm...returning...Rex...Dog...psychotic..."

Sandi immediately faints. She starts snoring. It was the first time she'd slept in days.

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Chan loses his job and this turns him into an even bigger asshole.


	4. Chan's Crucible

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 34**

**"Chan's Crucible"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Thompson house, evening...**

Kevin, Jim, Mack and Chuck were sitting on the porch drinking beer and watching the sunset.

"So," said Jim, "Who do you guys like for the Superbowl this year?"

Before anyone can answer a black 2019 Mercedes Sedan pulls up in front of the house. The window rolls down. The driver is their neighbor Chan Wang.

"Hey, Idiots," said Chan in a mocking tone, "What you think of my ride?"

Jim, in a tone of forced politeness, said "It's nice, Chan."

Chan bragged "Damn straight. V-12 engine, top of line luxury features and it no cost me anything. It company car."

Mack asked "What happened to your Honda?"

Chan said "That peasant car!? I just get promoted to Senior VP at Grace, Sloan and Paige. I get cool company car with cool new job. I better than you pieces of trash again."

Offended, Mack said "I'll have you know that I run a successful automotive business."

Jim added "And my wife and I are both successful YouTubers."

Chuck said "I'm a successful IT man and my wife's a news anchor."

Kevin said "My father in law supports us."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Not helping make our point, Kevin."

Chan condescendingly barked "You lazy with no ambition."

Jim fired back "You always make yourself feel better by tearing us down. What does that say about you?"

Unfazed, Chan said "When I go to work you all sleeping. When I come home from work you all drinking. What that say about you?"

Mack retorted "That we set our own hours instead of being at the mercy of someone who doesn't give a shit about us."

Chan retorted "No, it say you lazy," he points at Kevin, "You stupid cuckold," he points to Jim, "You stupid grease monkey," he points at Chuck, "You stupid computer geek," he points at Mack, "You just stupid because you actual monkey."

Laughing, Chan drives the rest of the way home. The guys all stared daggers at him the whole time.

* * *

**Wang house, later that evening...**

Chan was in the garage getting a Heineken from the mini fridge. He opened the bottle and proceeded to drink with an overwhelming feeling of self satisfaction. Suddenly, Ming entered wearing a green bathrobe.

"Hey, stud," she said to her husband in a suggestive tone, "I ever tell you how much power turn me on."

Chan said "Now that I senior VP only person in Lawndale more powerful than me Tom Sloan."

Ming said "You make me so wet when say that. I want you make love to me all night."

Chan, on an obvious power trip, said "No. Now that I VP I no longer have to do what you tell me."

Ming, who understands this is Chan's idea of foreplay, said "That too bad. You really no want this?"

Ming untied her robe and lets it fall to the floor. Chan's jaw dropped with the robe as he saw that his wife was now completely naked.

"Take me now." said Ming in an erotic voice.

"You bet, baby!" said Chan as he began to frantically take his clothes off.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, the next morning...**

Jim was in the driveway setting up his camera equipment because he wanted to get an early start on making his next video. Chan suddenly pulled up into the driveway and stepped out of his car.

"Well, well, grease monkey getting early start. It not even noon yet."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "What do you want, Chan?"

Chan said "I just surprised lazy ass like you not still in bed."

"Dammit, Chan," said Jim, "I'm not lazy, I'm self-employed."

Chan bragged "You still stupid New York guinea married to Texas hillbilly trash."

Jim lost his patience.

"Dammit, Chan, what the hell's your problem? Ever since you moved to this neighborhood all you've done is try to make me feel inferior."

Chan taunted "Because you are inferior. I go to high prestige job while you make stupid video and beg for handout."

Jim said "Chan, I work just as hard as you. Hell, I work harder than you. I work on cars, edit and produce videos and constantly network for sponsors. All you do is sit behind a desk and kiss Tom Sloan's ass."

That got under Chan's skin. "You think I do nothing, you peasant! You wrong."

Satisfied that it's now Chan who's on defense, Jim shrugged and said "Whatever."

Chan barked "I show you whatever. You come to my office tomorrow and I show you how real people make living."

Jim said "No thanks."

Chan taunted "What matter? You not want to admit I right and you lazy ass."

Jim's anger got the better of him.

"FINE! I'll meet you for lunch tomorrow."

Chan grinned smugly.

* * *

**Grace, Sloan and Paige, the next day...**

Chan is seated behind a polished mahogany desk in a well furnished corner office with a commanding view of the Philadelphia skyline. The intercom on his desk beeps. Chan presses the talk button.

"Yes."

From the intercom a female voice said "Mr. Wang, your noon appointment is here."

Chan said "Send him in."

A few seconds later, Jim entered the office. Chan grins triumphantly.

"Jim, so glad you could make it. What you think of my new office?"

Jim said "It's nice."

Chan said "Better than sharing home office with wife, that for sure. You ever see office this nice."

Jim said "Actually, I think the CEO's office is nicer. It's a penthouse suite."

Chan said "Like you would know."

"Actually," said Jim, "I do. I used to work here. I've been in the CEO's office. Of course, the CEO at that time was Tom's father. Tom was just a trade manager back then."

Chan looked disappointed. "Why you leave?"

Jim said "Long story."

Chan said "I have time."

Jim said "About a year after Quinn and I started dating Mr. Sloan wanted me to manage the Tokyo branch. I took the job and broke up with Quinn. I immediately regretted the decision so I quit, took the first available flight back and got back with Quinn. Best decision I ever made."

Chan jeered "And that why you never go anywhere in life."

Deciding to change the subject, Jim asked "So, where are we having lunch?"

Chan pulled out a special card from his pocket.

"You ever eat in executive cafeteria?"

Jim's eyes went wide. When he was a stock broker he was never once invited to eat in the executive cafeteria.

* * *

**Executive cafeteria, a short time later...**

The cafeteria is like a five star luxury restaurant that would give the fanciest of places in New York a run for their money. Chan is seated at a table with a visibly impressed Jim.

"Yeah," Chan bragged, "I get to eat in executive cafeteria now. What you say about that?"

Jim said "I'll admit, it's nice. So, your new job comes with a lot of perks, huh?"

Chan said "You bet. I even know things that brokers not know."

Jim said "Well, as a former broker I call bullshit on that."

Grinning, Chan said "I thought you say that, so I show you this."

Chan opened his briefcase, got out some documents and handed them to Jim.

"Read and weep."

Jim read the documents. His eyes went wide.

"These are copys of paperwork for a corporate merger! They say that Woods Golf And Sport is buying out it's biggest competitor."

Chan said "Yeah, merger go into effect next year. Send Woods' stock through roof when they announce it next month. No tell anyone."

Jim handed the documents back.

"Chan, if I act on this information then you just comitted insider trading."

Chan said "That why I only tell you. What you think of my job now?"

Jim said nothing but was visibly impressed.

* * *

**The next day...**

Chan is in his office. He stands by his window and admires the view when suddenly the door opens. Chan angrily turns around.

"Hey, this private office. You knock first!"

The intruder, a man in a suit and tie, speaks in a stern tone and gets right to the point.

"Mr. Sloan wants to see you in his office right now."

Chan instantly becomes nervous.

* * *

**Tom's office, a short time later...**

Chan is standing in front of Tom's desk. He visibly sweats as Tom looks at him with a stern look on his face.

"Chan," said Tom, "You know that certain actions at this company are illegal. One such action is leaking information to outsiders before it becomes public. It's called insider trading."

Chan said "I no leak secrets."

Tom picked a remote control up from his desk.

"Then explain this."

He pressed a button, activating a monitor embedded in the wall. Chan gulped as he saw surveilence footage of himself in the executive cafeteria showing Jim documents. Tom paused the image and presses zoom. Now, he can clearly see that they are documents about the upcoming Woods merger.

"Chan," said Tom, "You showed information about a pending corporate merger before that information was made available to the public. Not only is that a federal offense but it's also a violation of your confidentiality agreement."

Chan pleaded "But...but...Jim no try to profit from it. He to much of a goody-goody. I no show him that otherwise."

Tom said "You still breached the code of executive conduct. If Jim uses or shares that information then you've also comitted a crime and made all of us accessories to that crime."

"I sorry," said Chan, "I not do it again. I just wanted to impress my idiot neighbor."

Tom is unmoved.

"Chan, I'm afraid I have to let you go."

Chan is horrified.

"You...You mean I fired!?"

Tom nodded.

"You have one hour to clean out your personal belongings before I'm required to have you escorted off the premises by security."

* * *

**Thompson house, a few hours later...**

Kevin, Jim, Mack and Chuck are once again drinking beer and watching the sun set. A run down taxi cab pulls up in front of the house and lets it's passenger exit. The passenger is Chan. As the cab leaves Chan glares menacingly at Jim.

"Hi, Chan," said Kevin.

Chuck asked "Car trouble?"

Pointing at Jim, Chan shouted "YOU SOLD ME OUT, YOU BASTARD!"

Taken aback, Jim said "How!? What did I do?"

Chan said "Those documents I show you yesterday, they have it on video. I get fired."

Jim said "How is that my fault?"

"Because," said Chan, "Because...because...," he can't bring himself to admit that he brought this on himself, "...It still your fault."

Jim said "Look, I'm sorry you got fired but it's not my fault. I didn't tell you to show me documents about a corporate merger before that information becomes publicly available."

Chan whined "I only show you to make you jealous, so this your fault."

Jim said "No, it isn't. Look, the fact is that you brought this on yourself. If you want, I can put in a good word for you with one of my YouTube sponsors."

Chan said "Don't you dare pity me! This just setback. I get severance package that more than..." he looks at all of them before pointing at Kevin, "...YOU make. I still better than all of you!"

As Chan walks off in a huff Kevin laughs.

Mack asked "What's so funny, Kevin?"

Kevin said "The joke's on Chan. I don't even make a living wage."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the three T's are at the kitchen table eating dinner.

Jim said "Chan lost his job today."

Quinn asked "What happened?"

Jim explained "When I had lunch with him yesterday he showed me documents about an upcoming corporate merger that hasn't been made public yet. They caught him doing that on camera so Tom fired him."

Tommy asked "Why did they fire him for that?"

Teddy explained "Becuase leaking information about a corporate merger before it becomes public is insider trading."

Both Tommy and Timmy look confused.

Teddy went on "Insider trading is illegal because it gives the people with that information an unfair advantage over other investors."

Tommy and Timmy continue to stare blankly at their brother. Finally, Teddy sighed.

"Never mind. I just hope the Wangs don't lose their house. Michelle's the only kid my age who actually gets me. Guess I have to get used to isolation again."

Timmy asked "Dad, are the Wang's broke?"

Jim shook his head.

"No, they can collect unemployment until Chan gets another job. Also, after Chan yelled at me for getting him fired, like it's my fault he can't keep a secret, he started bragging about his severance package."

Quinn said "You know, even though we don't like Chan I can't help feeling bad for Ming and Michelle. They're innocent victims in this."

Jim said "The right thing would be to help them out, but I'd be a lot happier just sitting back and watching Chan crash and burn."

Both Quinn and Teddy stared daggers at Jim for that one.

* * *

**Lawndale unemployment office, the next day...**

Chan was trying to file for unemployment benefits. He argued with the clerk, a man with short red hair and glasses, as it's not going well.

"What you mean I no qualify!? This unemployment office, I unemployed. Now, GIVE ME BENEFITS!"

Calm, the clerk explained "I'm sorry, Mr. Wang, but your previous employer has filed an objection. For reason, they typed 'criminal misconduct'."

Chan lost his shit.

"AAAHHHHHHH! FINE! I get another job, better job! Wait and see!"

* * *

**An office, a few days later...**

Chan is being interviewed. The hiring manager is less than impressed.

"Your qualifications are impressive, Mr. Wang. Unfortunately, in preparation for this interview I contacted your references. None of them had anything positive to say."

Chan said "But, I hard worker."

The hiring manager said "Yes, but the general consensus is that you lack decent people skills. You've been described as belligerent, egomaniacal and judgmental...and those were the ones who were being nice about it."

Chan groans in frustration.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, a few days later...**

Jim is out front trimming the hedges when he sees Chan walk by. He's obviously on his way home from the nearby bus stop after another job interview.

"How'd this one go?" Jim asked in a tone that was clearly gloating. He loved watching Chan suffer. "You get rejected by these guys."

Chan lied. "For your information I got another job, you stupid guido. Job pay big money and offer lot of prestige."

Not buying it, Jim said "Well, that's great. What kind of job?"

Chan barked "Better job than your stupid lazy ass can handle."

* * *

**A print shop, the next day...**

Chan is working the counter and wearing a trainee apron. Trent comes up to him.

"Um, I need to print out posters for an upcoming gig."

He hands Chan a flyer that reads "Mystik Survivors, live at O'Malley's pub in Queens".

Chan asked "Why you come to Lawndale? They no have print shops in New York."

Trent said "They all banned me because I never paid for the printing."

Chan barked "GET OUT! You no pay then GO AWAY, STUPID BUM!"

Trent said "Whoa, that's kinda harsh, man."

Chan points to the door.

"LEAVE OR I CALL POLICE AND HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR LOITERING, MORON!"

Trent leaves.

* * *

**A short time later...**

Chan is walking among the people at the computers so he can provide assistance for anyone who needs it. Suddenly, a familiar voice grabs his attention.

"Yo, Chan!"

Chan groans as he knows it's Kevin. He walks over to Kevin.

"What you want?" Chan asked in a hostile tone.

Kevin shows Chan the screen of the computer he's at.

"I'm trying to print out some flyers so I can score some clown gigs."

Chan impatently said "And?"

Kevin said "It says to continue press any key. Where's the 'any' key? I, like, can't find it."

Chan loses it.

"AAAAHHHHHHHH! YOU MORON, PRESS WHATEVER KEY YOU WANT!" He turns his attention to the rest of the customers. "DON'T YOU MORONS KNOW ANYTHING!? WHEN IT SAY PRESS ANY KEY THAT MEAN PRESS WHATEVER KEY YOU WANT TO PRESS! CAN'T YOU F$%&ING RETARDS UNDERSTAND THAT!? DON'T YOU IDIOTS KNOW ANYTHING BESIDE DRINKING AND SMOKING, YOU STUPID PEASANTS! I NO CAN HELP YOU! YOU PEOPLE TOO STUPID FOR ANYONE TO HELP YOU! YOU ALL NOTHING BUT IDIOTS!"

At this point the manager, a guy with long black hair and a beard, approached Chan.

"Okay, Mr. Wang, that's three strikes. Turn in your apron, empty your locker and get out of here. You're fired!"

Chan protested "Three!? I only count two."

The manager said "I overheard what you said to the musician earlier."

Chan frowns as he is now out of a job again.

* * *

**Wang house, the next day...**

While Chan is out looking for another job Quinn is visiting with Ming. The two are in the living room drinking tea.

"So," said Quinn, "How are things? How's Chan at his new job?"

Ming sighed. "Print shop fire him yesterday."

Quinn's jaw dropped.

"But that was his first day!?"

Ming said "And they fire him for verbally abusing customers."

Quinn said "That's harsh. I mean, everyone makes mistakes."

"He continue to be mean to customers after repeat warnings. Now he out of work again."

Quinn tried to reassure her.

"Well, at least you have unemployment benefits and the severance package to keep you going in the meantime."

Almost in tears, Ming said "Chan no get unemployment benefits and he no get severance package. He leak company secrets, violate terms of employment. We almost out of money!"

Quinn gasped.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn comes home from her visit with Ming. She's deep in thought as she enters the house.

_Poor Ming. They're on the verge of losing everything because Chan can't stop being a jerk for even five minutes. If only there was a way I could help her out financially without insulting her._

At this point she sees Teddy on the couch reading "The Art Of War" by Sun Tzu. Quinn smiles as she gets an idea.

"Teddy."

Teddy looks up from his book.

"Yeah, Mom."

Quinn said "You're interested in Eastern culture, right?"

Teddy said "Yeah, I guess. Why?"

Quinn asked "How would you like to learn how to speak Chinese?"

* * *

**Wang house, the following afternoon...**

Teddy and Ming are sitting at the kitchen table. Ming is teaching Teddy how to speak Chinese.

"Now," said Ming, "Thank you in Chinese is 'shu shu'."

Teddy mispronounced it.

"No," said Ming, "'Shu shu', try again."

This time, Teddy gets it right. Michelle comes in.

"Teddy," said Michelle, "This is so cool. Soon, it'll be like we have our own secret language."

Ming pulled Michelle aside and whispered in her ear.

"Not exactly, Michelle. He lower class than us so I teach him Cantonese, not Mandarin."

* * *

**A few days later...**

Desperate for money the Wang's are having a yard sale. The whole neighborhood is gathered in the front yard looking at items. Jim is looking at a collection of vinly records.

_Chan has every album Madonna ever put out. How this doesn't embarrass him I'll never know._

Meanwhile, Ming is talking with Quinn and Lindy. Lindy has her infant son, Jason, with her. They're by a table with Michelle's old baby stuff.

Quinn said "So, you're having a yard sale."

Ming said "Until Chan get new job we need all money we can get."

Lindy picks up a book titled "The ABC's".

"How much, Ming?"

Ming said "Twenty dollar."

Lindy gives Ming a twenty.

"Now I can hopefully give Jason a head start on reading."

As this is going on Sandi is looking at a Jukebox. Chan walks up to her and he looks pissed.

"Hey, why you stare at my jukebox!?"

Indignant, Sandi said "I'm interested in buying it."

Chan said "Like you have five-hundred dollar. Go away!"

Her long lost haughtiness returning, Sandi said "Excuse me! I do TOO have five-hundred bucks."

Chan said "I no sell to pathetic loser who's husband run off with jailbait!"

The haughtiness instantly disappears as Sandi runs off crying. Chan smirks until he sees Mack eyeing another item. This item is an alarm clock shaped like a panda.

"Excuse me, Chan," said Mack, "How much for the radio clock?"

Chan said "More than you can afford, ghetto boy."

Keeping his anger in check, Mack said "I own a successful business. Now how much?"

Chan said "A thousand dollar!"

Mack got a checkbook out of his pocket and started to write a check for $1,000.00.

"HEY!" said Chan, "You no buy!"

Mack asked "Chan, it's for sale. I want it and I have the money for it."

Chan snatches the clock.

"Clock no for sale!"

Ming saw this and got right in her husband's face.

"Chan, you sell him clock right now!"

Smiling, Mack said "Thanks, Ming."

He hands Ming the check, which infuriates Chan.

"NO FAIR!"

He takes the clock and throws it on the driveway, smashing it to pieces.

"NOW, NO ONE BUY IT!"

Taken aback, Mack said "Chan, what the hell's your problem!?"

Chan shouted "I NO LOSER WHO SELL ALL WORLDLY POSSESSIONS TO STUPID PEASANTS!"

This outburst gets the attention of everyone there. Chan takes one of the kitchen knives from a nearby table and waves it around.

"ALL YOU IGNORANT PEASANTS GET OFF MY PROPERTY! I NO SELL TO MORONS!"

Jim tried to calm him down.

"Now, Chan..."

Chan pointed the knife at Jim.

"All you moronic white trash GET OFF MY PROPERTY! MING, GET GARDEN HOSE! I SPRAY IDIOT NEIGHBORS TO MAKE THEM LEAVE!"

Visibly embarrassed, Ming said "We no have garden hose anymore. It sell quickly."

Chan lost it.

"GO AWAY, YOU F$%&ING IMBICILES!"

* * *

**Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Jim and Quinn are arguing in the kitchen.

"Dammit, Quinn, he threatened everyone with a knife and attacked his own yard sale."

Quinn said "So we just sit back and watch that whole family fall apart!? Jim, I know Chan's an asshole but Ming's my friend and Michelle's Teddy's friend."

Jim said "They wouldn't even be in trouble if Chan would just admit that his attitude is what's holding him back in life."

Teddy entered the kitchen. He said something that sounded like "ting tang tong ping fong" or something like that to Jim and Quinn's American ears.

"Teddy," said Jim, "You shouldn't make fun of the Wang's like that."

Teddy said "I wasn't making fun of them, Dad. I was saying that you're engaging in schadenfreude in Cantonese."

Jim looked at Quinn. She explained "I've been paying Ming to teach Teddy Chinese."

"Why?" asked Jim.

Quinn said "Because it's a way to help her out without insulting her." She looks at her watch. "In fact, I'm gonna head over there and see how she's doing."

With that, Quinn left. Jim now felt bad about taking pleasure in Chan's misfortune.

* * *

**Wang house, a short time later...**

Quinn is in the living room having tea with Ming and Michelle.

Ming said "I sorry Chan chase everyone off."

Quinn shrugs. "It's okay, Ming. I can only imagine how hard all of this is for him. How are you doing?"

Ming said "We okay. Times tough but we survive."

Quinn turned to Michelle.

"How's school, Michelle?"

Michelle said "It's good, Mrs. Carbone. I'm looking at scholarships."

Quinn's amazed to hear this.

"Isn't second grade a little early for that?"

Michelle said "It's never too early to think about the future. It's better than the present."

"Michelle!" Ming chided.

Quinn said "It's okay, Ming. Teddy's the same way. Speaking of which, I'm really impressed with how quickly he's learning Chinese."

Feeling a rush of pride, Ming said "Thank you, Quinn."

Quinn said "In fact, since I'm here I might as well pay you for the next six lessons."

Quinn got a check out of her purse and handed it to Ming. Before Ming can say thank you Chan comes into the room. He is VERY displeased to see his wife take money from Quinn.

"Ming, what the hell you doing!?"

Defensive, Ming said "Quinn paying me to teach her son Chinese."

Chan shouted "HOW DARE YOU TAKE MONEY FROM HER! YOU MAKE ME LOOK LIKE FAILURE!"

Losing her patience, Ming stood up and got right in her husband's face.

"Dammit, Chan, we need money!"

Chan barked "We no charity case!"

Ming said "Yes, we are, Chan. YOU MAKE US ONE!"

Chan now looks so enraged that Quinn's seriously afraid that she's about to become a witness in a domestic assault case. Fortunately, Chan doesn't hit Ming. Instead, he starts screaming at her in Mandarin. Ming fires back, also in Mandarin. While Quinn awkwardly witnesses the angry exchange Michelle is visibly embarrassed. Finally, Chan switches back to English.

"FINE, YOU BITCH! YOU WANT ME GONE, I GONE!"

Chan turned around, grabbed his car keys and stormed out of the house, slamming the door so hard that Quinn thought it'd fall off of it's hinges. Quinn, Ming and Michelle watch as Chan angrily gets into the family's Honda Civic, starts it, rapidly backs out of the driveway and speeds off to parts unknown. Quinn and Michelle both look at Ming with obvious concern.

"Ming?"

"M...Mom?"

Ming said nothing but sits down. Her expression rapidly softens from anger to sadness. Finally, she starts crying.

* * *

**Lobinskie Lane, morning...**

Jim is walking the family dog, Stripe, when he passes by the Wang house. This gets him to thinking about the latest development with that family.

_It's been three days since Chan left. I wonder how Ming and Michelle are holding up._

At this point he sees Ming struggle to take to very heavy trash cans to the curb. She suddenly loses her footing and falls on he ass. This causes both trash cans to open and their contents to spill over. Concerned, Jim rushes up to her.

"Ming, you alright?"

"No," said Ming, "I surrounded by trash". Wiping a stray tear, she added "That what Chan used to always say when talking about neighbors."

Jim holds out his hand to help Ming up.

"Here, you look like you could use a hand."

Ming takes Jim's hand and gets back up.

Jim said "Let me help you get this mess cleaned up."

Smiling, Ming said "Thank you, Jim."

* * *

**A short time later...**

Jim has just finished helping Ming get the garbage back into the trash cans and bring them the rest of the way to the curb.

"Thank you, Jim."

Jim said "No problem. After all, you're friends with my wife and my son is friends with your daughter. Also, despite my issues with Chan we're still neighbors. If you need anything let me know."

Ming said "Actually, refridgerator make funny noise. It break any second and I no can afford new one. Come in and fix?"

With a sigh, Jim said "Okay."

* * *

**The Wang's kitchen, a while later...**

Jim is working on the refridgerator.

"Here's your problem. You need a new copper coil."

Ming asked "Where I get that part?"

Jim said "Deuce's Hardware. It's in that shopping center by the high school, next to Pizza King."

"That kind of far." said Ming.

Jim said "I'll go. I was gonna head there later anyway." Under his breath he added "Just for fun, though." He then asked "Anything else?"

Ming said "You mind if we just hang out for a bit."

Jim said "Actually, I have things to do today."

"You no understand," said an almost crying Ming, "I so lonely since Chan leave. Just keep me company for little while. Please?"

Jim now looks uncomfortable. _Is she coming on to me?!_

* * *

**Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in bed talking about the day before going to sleep. Jim's mostly complaining how Ming, out of lonliness, pretty much monopolized his time all day.

"...and after I finally installed the new coil in the fridge Ming guilt tripped me into cleaning her storm gutters tomorrow. I half expected her to try and kiss me the whole time. Since Chan left she's gotten so needy."

Quinn said "Jim, you didn't see the fight they had when Chan left. I was afraid they'd try to kill each other."

Jim said "So now she's trying to hog my attention just because her husband ran out on her!?"

"Jim," said Quinn, "What would you do if I just took off after an argument and didn't come back?"

Jim looks thoughtful.

"I guess I can cut her some slack. Just remember, I don't like the Wangs very much."

Quinn said "In a way I can understand where Chan's coming from. He's been reduced to the status of a cafeteria worker. You could've done more to help when he was around."

Jim defensively said "Quinn, it's not my fault Chan makes people hate him. I don't whisper in his ear and tell him to be a total dick to everyone."

Now, Quinn looks thoughtful.

* * *

**Montage of the next few days...**

**Music:** "Working Man" by Rush

First, there's a scene of Jim cleaning out the Wangs storm gutters. Quinn sees this and feels a hint of jealousy. Next, there's a scene of Jim trimming the Wangs hedges. Quinn passes by and looks even more jealous. Next, a shot of Jim trying to vaccum his own pool when Ming suddenly shows up. The conversation drags on for several hours. Quinn is watching this from the kitchen while chopping carrots. She glares menacingly at Ming as she slices a carrot much harder than necessary because she'd pissed that Ming is stealing all of her husband's time. Next, Jim is mowing his front lawn. Quinn comes out and offers him some lemonade. After this, Jim is mowing the Wang's lawn when Ming offers him a beer. This makes Quinn so jealous that she runs over to offer him a Jack On The Rocks. Next, Jim is in the driveway fixing Michelle's bicycle while Ming talks to him. Quinn glares menacingly at them because Jim's supposed to be fixing Tommy's bike. From the Thompson's porch next door Kevin, Chuck and Mack see this and have their own take on the situation.

Mack said "Jim never hangs out with us anymore because Ming's eating up all of his free time."

Chuck added "It's almost like Jim has two wives now."

Kevin said "If I didn't know better I'd swear he and Ming are, like, doing it."

Jim looks up and sees the guys staring.

"POLYGAMIST!" Kevin shouted.

This angers Jim so much that he runs right over there and kicks Kevin's ass.

* * *

**Burger World, day...**

Jim pulls his Camaro into the Burger World parking lot. Inside the car, he doesn't look happy.

_Unbelieveable! Since Chan's left Ming's managed to turn me into a substitute husband. She even has me going to Burger World to get dinner for her and Michelle now._

At this point, Jim notices a familiar car in the parking lot, a blue Honda Civic. He looks at the license plate. It reads "CHNSTHMN" as in "Chan's The Man". Yes, it's the Wang's Honda.

* * *

**The men's restroom, a short time later...**

Jim enters and, sure enough, a visibly depressed Chan is staring at himself in the mirror.

"I should've know. Dammit, Chan, what the hell are you doing?"

Chan hissed "I need new wife since you buy old one."

Defensive, Jim said "For chrissake, Chan, Ming's been monopolizing all of my time since you left. I'm just trying to be nice. And before you make the accusation, no, I'm not sleeping with your wife."

Just then, another customer enters and makes his way to a toilet stall. Chan sees this.

"Hey, fatso, use other stall. I drying laundry in there."

Jim said "Dammit, Chan, go home!"

"NO," Chan barked, "This all YOUR fault!"

Taken aback, Jim said "HEY, it's not my fault you got fired for leaking sensitive information. It's not my fault you're a complete prick to everyone and it's not my fault you're living in a public restroom while I'm being forced to take care of your wife and daughter. I have my won wife and kids, I don't need to spend all of my free time looking after yours. Now, go home."

Chan said "I no go back without kick ass job. I not accept just any job. I only take job so great it make you sick with envy. I HAVE TO!"

"Why?," asked Jim, "Why do you have to be better than everyone?"

Chan sighed. "Because this not supposed to happen to me."

Jim said "Chan, what's happening to you can happen to anyone. Why is it that you have to be superior to everyone?"

"You no understand," said Chan, "I asian, more expected of me. I need to be better, smarter, richer and more successful than white guy because that what asians do. I accept average life it like I bury myself in shallow grave. I have to be better than everyone because there no justification for my existence otherwise."

Now, Jim understands. In this moment he finally realizes why Chan has such a superiority complex. He has to be the best because to be any less would dishonor him and his family.

"Chan," said Jim, "I think I get it now. This is a matter of personal honor to you, isn't it?"

Chan nodded, "I need prove myself. I no do that than I disgrace. All who bear my name be shamed into worthlessness. It cultural thing. Mediocrity big taboo to us Chinese." He looks at Jim with an almost humble sincerity. "Jim, you take good care of Ming and Michelle. I knew you would. That why I leave. I no can go back without kick ass job. I too ashamed. I so ashamed I only tell you this because you closest thing I have to friend."

Jim was stunned by that admission.

"You...You consider me a friend!?"

"Yes," said Chan, "I know you take good care of Ming and Michelle because you my friend."

Jim thought _If THAT"S how he treats his friends I really don't wanna be his enemy _as he said "Okay, Chan. I...I won't say anything about this."

Smiling, Chan puts a hand on Jim's shoulder. "Thank you, friend."

* * *

**Wang house, a few evenings later...**

Jim, Quinn and the boys are walking Stripe when they see Chan's Honda pull into the driveway. Ming and Michelle come out of the house. Michelle is visibly excited.

"DADDY!"

She runs to Chan and hugs him.

"Michelle, I miss you so much."

As the hug ends Ming gets right in Chan's face.

"CHAN WANG, YOU GOT SOME NERVE COMING BACK AFTER TWO WEEK!"

Chan said "I sorry, Ming. I need to find new job so that what I do. I got old job back. I senior data anylist for Grace, Sloan and Paige again."

Jim said "Congratulations, Chan."

Quinn nodded in agreement as Ming instantly went from angry to happy.

"Chan, that wonderful. You convince Tom to give old job back."

Sheepish, Chan said "Not exactly. He transfer me to Manhattan office. Tomorrw, we pack. We moving to New York."

Teddy looks upset while Quinn gasps and Jim eagerly anticipates a Chan free existence. Ming, on the other hand, has other ideas.

"Oh, no, Chan," she said, "I no move again. People here grudgingly accept us. That rare. I no start over in New York City."

Both Chan and Jim are deflated by this.

"But, Ming..." said Chan, "New York two hour drive from here."

Ming said "Well, you just have to commute for two hour then."

"But, Ming..."

"Sorry, Chan. Not negotiable."

With that, Ming and Michelle go back into the house while Chan looks resigned to a two hour commute to work. He turns his attention to Jim.

"What you think of my new job, Jim?"

With no longer forced politeness, Jim said "It's then one you had before your promotion, just a different location."

Chan barked "You still lazy ass while I have real job."

Jim looks like he's about to lay into Chan but thinks better of it.

"Got me there, Chan. I don't have a high powered job on Wall Street."

Jim, Quinn, the boys and Stripe start to make their way home.

Chan shouted "THAT RIGHT! GO AWAY BECAUSE I BETTER THAN YOU EVER BE!"

Smiing, Jim said "That you are, Chan. That you are."

Once the Carbone's are out of hearing range Chan smiled.

"Thank you for that, Jim."

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Jim's father, Tony, shows up with a stunning announcement. His trophy wife, Jennifer, is pregnant.


	5. Baby Fever

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 35**

**"Baby Fever"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Shop Rite Supermarket, day...***

*(Shop Rite is an actual chain in the Northeast)

Quinn and Jim were in the checkout line loading groceries onto the conveyer belt. Behind them was a young brunette woman trying to soothe her crying baby.

"It's okay," the woman said to her baby in a soft voice, "Don't cry."

The baby continued to cry. Jim turned to the woman.

"Excuse me, miss." He said.

The woman instantly recognizes both Jim and Quinn.

"Ohmygod! You're Jim the Car Guy," she turns to Quinn, "And you're the S'mores 'n' Pores girl."

Jim said "I couldn't help noticing you're having some trouble," he held out his hands, "May I?"

The woman is hesitant, but Quinn reassures her.

"It's okay. We have triplet sons at home. Calming down a crying baby is something we both have a lot of experience with."

The woman handed her baby to Jim. Once Jim has the infant he proceeds to rock the child gently while talking in a cutesy voice.

"Hey, little buddy, you alright? Of course you are!"

He tickled the baby's tummy. The child instantly went from crying to giggling.

"Yeah, that's right," said Jim, "You're alright." He then sniffs the air. "Quinn, could you take him for a second. Turn his backside towards me."

Quinn takes the baby and does just that. Jim takes a can of air freshener and lightly sprays the baby's diaper. When that's done, Quinn hands the baby back to Jim.

"There ya go, little fella."

He handed the baby back to his mother.

"That should keep the smell down until you have a chance to change him."

The mother said "Thanks."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys were sitting down at the kitchen table and having dinner. As they eat they make small talk.

"Boys," said Quinn, "How was school?"

Teddy said "Well, I answered a question in class and the other kids laughed at me for getting it right and the only kid I talked to at recess was Michelle. In other words, the usual."

Timmy said "At recess I stopped Shane from trying to steal Q's barbie doll."

Smiling, Jim said "Way to go, Timmy. What happened after that?"

Frowning, Timmy said "Shane took the doll and broke it anyway while Al and Lou made me eat dirt."

Quinn said "Did you tell a teacher?"

Timmy said "No, I do that and the whole class will come after me."

Tommy said "Bad enough Teddy's a brain. I'd never live it down if Timmy were a rat."

Quinn sighed. She remembers all to well what happens when you squeal. She now decides to change the subject.

"Did I tell you guys that your father and I calmed down an upset baby today?"

Jim added "That took me back. Quinn, remember when the boys were that age?"

Quinn said "Yeah," she turns to her sons, "You three were sooooooooo cute."

All three of the boys are now visibly embarrassed.

Continuing to remember, Quinn said "I miss the cooing, the giggling, the pitter-patter of little feet."

Jim said "I miss that too."

Suddenly, to the relief of the three T's, the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it." said Jim as he got up from his seat.

Jim opened the door and immediately gulped when he saw who it was.

"ABOUT DAMN TIME!" barked Tony, "You gonna let us in!?"

Nervous, Jim said "Dad!? What are you doing here!?"

Tony said "Can't a man surprise his son by coming over for dinner! JENNIFER, OUR BAGS!"

Tony barged right in as his wife, Jennifer, came to the door with two suitcases. They take their seats at the table.

"Tony," said a very annoyed Quinn, "to what do I owe the..._shudder_...pleasure!"

Tony said "Me and Jennifer are gonna be in town for a few days, so we're commanderring your guest room."

Quinn said "And you didn't think to ask first!?"

Tony said "Jim, tell her we're staying for a few days!"

Nervous, Jim said "Dad, um..."

Tony said "OUT WITH IT, PUSSY!"

Quinn hissed "Excuse me, but..."

Tony cut her off.

"QUIET, WOMAN! MEN ARE TALKING!" He turned back to Jim, "Now, you aren't some ingrate who'd toss out the man who both fought for this country in 'Nam and brought you into this world, are you?"

Gulping, Jim said "No, Dad."

"Good," said Tony as Jennifer served him a dish. "Get me a beer, woman."

As Jennifer goes to get a beer Tony smacks her on the ass for good measure.

* * *

**Later...**

As they eat dinner Tony explains the reason for the surprise visit.

"...so, with Chris and Lindy busy with a brat of their own we decided to stay here. Also, Quinn's got more experience than Lindy."

Suspicious, Quinn asked "Experience in what?"

Jim added "Yeah, Dad. You still haven't told us why you wanna spend a few days down here in Lawndale."

Turning to Jennifer, Tony said "Tell 'em, sweet cheeks."

Smiling, Jennifer said "I'm pregnant."

All jaws drop upon hearing that.

"That's right," Tony bragged, "I can still knock a woman up at 73."

Regaining her composure, Quinn said "You came here for parenting lessons!?"

Tony said "Yeah. I know how to be a father, but Jennifer needs some tips on how to be a mother."

Jennifer said "That's right. I'm having my first child and I need your help, Quinn. Besides, it's not like you're gonna have any more kids."

A little miffed, Quinn asked "What makes you say that?"

Jennifer said "You're 40, your eggs are rotten now."

Quinn takes great offense.

"I'll have you know that my eggs are fine. Also, I'm only thirty six."

Jennifer said "Don't your eggs die when you turn thirty six?"

Quinn hissed "No, they don't. Lindy gave birth to a healthy baby boy at age 40."

Tony said "She's a freak of nature. Face it, you red haired slut, you're used up."

Quinn stares daggers at both Tony and Jennifer.

* * *

**Pizza King, the next day...**

Quinn is having lunch with Lindy. Lindy has her nine month old son, Jason, with her. Quinn is talking about the latest Tony home invasion.

"...so now Jennifer wants me to show her how it's done. She said that since I have triplets who are seven I have more time." Quinn now looks annoyed, "She even had the gall to say that since I'm 36 my eggs are all rotten."

Lindy rolled her eyes.

"I can't believe there are still people who think women are useless for anything other than having babies. I mean, come on, I had Jason at age 40."

Quinn said "That's what I told them. You don't wanna know what they said about you after that."

Lindy said "Knowing our father in law it was probably a sexist insult."

Quinn nodded. Jason makes a giggling sound. Lindy turns to her infant son.

"Hey, Jason. Yes, your grandfather's a jerk."

Quinn looked at her nephews eyes.

"Hey, cutie. Who's a cute little boy?"

Quinn dangled a finger in Jason's face. Giggling, the baby tried to grab at it.

Lindy said to her son "Yeah, you love playing with Aunt Quinn, don't you?"

Quinn tickled Jason's tummy, which caused him to squeal with delight.

"I miss these moments."

Lindy said "I don't. I mean, I love my son more than anything but I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep."

Quinn frowned. "Trust me, Lindy," she said, "When he gets older and less dependent you'll miss this. I used to wonder why my parents would treat me like I'm still a baby at age ten. Now that my kids are getting older I get it. It's a bit of a rush having a little life that you created need you. My kids seem to be getting less dependent on me by the day. If the boys are this self-reliant at seven I dread what it's gonna be like when they reach adolescence."

Lindy said "Well, I still have more than a decade to go before I have to worry about that."

Quinn looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are laying in bed before calling it a night.

"I can't believe it," said Jim, "My father's having another kid."

Quinn said nothing. She just sighed.

Jim said "You know, my father's 75. By the time that kid starts high school Dad's gonna be 90. He might not even live long enough to see this kid go to college."

"I know." said Quinn in a sad voice.

Noticing his wife's down mood, Jim asked "What's the matter?"

Quinn said "It's so unfair. They're having a baby and a blind man can see that your father and Miss Fake Boobs are unfit parents."

Jim said "Yeah, but both Chris and I turned out all right."

Quinn said "We have your mother to thank for that. How do you think it would've been if your mom was the total airhead that Jennifer is?"

Jim shudders at the thought.

"You know," Quinn continued, "That baby at the store the other day, then your father telling us he knocked up his trophy wife and then today I was with Lindy and she brought Jason along."

Jim asked "How old is he now, anyway?"

"Nine months," said Quinn, "I...well...It's got me thinking."

"About?"

Quinn said "Our boys are already seven. I can remember rocking them to sleep as babies like it was only a few days ago. Before we know it we'll be in our 40's and they'll be teenagers with raging hormones and an attitude. All too soon we'll be sending them off to college and it'll just be you and me again."

Nervous, Jim said "Quinn, they're only seven. You're talking about stuff that's at least a decade away."

Quinn said "I miss when they were really little. They were so adorable."

"Quinn," said Jim, "They can't stay sweet little babies forever."

Quinn sighed. "Jim," she said, "I wanna have another baby."

Jim's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped.

* * *

**Act II**

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in bed. Jim is in shock because Quinn just dropped a major bombshell on him.

"Are you out of your freaking mind!?" he said, "We have three kids and you want another one!?"

Quinn said "I miss having a baby in the house."

Jim said "Quinn, we have triplet sons already. You know what a huge responsibility a baby is. We had three at one time already."

Quinn pleaded "But don't you miss the giggles, the cooing, the playfulness?"

"You know I do," said Jim, "But you're forgetting the downsides."

"What downsides?"

Jim said "The tantrums, the dirty diapers, the sleepless nights."

Quinn said "But Jim, what about when our boys grow up? Do you wanna be alone after at least eighteen years in a house with children?"

Jim said "What? We still have each other. It's not like the boys are gonna cut us out of their lives once they're grown and out of the house. I can't even cut my father out of my life even though I know I should."

Quinn said "What do we have to look forward to when the boys are grown?"

Jim said "Peace, quiet and not having to blow off lucurative sponsorship deals because of a school emergency."

Offended, Quinn said "Well, excuse me for considering our family more important than our career!"

Jim said "Quinn, I really don't wanna have another kid. I'm overwhelmed with the ones we already have."

Quinn said "Jim, I want a baby."

"Well, I don't."

He immediately got up and took a pillow. Next, Jim got a spare blanket out of the closet.

"Jim," said Quinn, "What the hell!?"

Jim said "We can talk about this in the morning. I don't wanna sleep with you while this is hanging over my head. I'm sorry, but I'm just too tired to deal tonight."

With that, he went to sleep on the couch.

* * *

**The Thompson's porch, the next evening...**

Jim, Kevin, Chuck and Mack are sitting on the porch drinking beer and enjoying the cool fall air. Jim is talking about what's been going on at home.

"...so now Quinn wants to have another kid. I got so freaked that I slept on the couch last night."

Chuck said "So, are you and Quinn gonna get...grrrr...feisty?"

Jim said "No. I don't want another kid. Don't get me wrong, I love our boys but I really don't wanna go through all the crap involved in having a baby again."

Suddenly, Tony approaches.

"So, Quinn wants another kid, huh?"

Jim sighed.

"What's a matter, pansy?" said Tony, "You having trouble getting it up?"

Tony turns to the other guys.

"He gets that from his mother. She never did anything in bed, I had to do all the work."

Kevin said "So, you knocked up two women, Sergeant Major?"

Tony said "You bet your ass, fatty. You know, even though my first wife is now all old and useless she used to be hot."

Kevin said "Jim's mom was a MILF? Cool!"

Groaning, Jim said "Could we PLEASE talk about something else?"

Tony said "Good idea. You know, guys, I still can't believe Jim knocked Quinn up with triplets the first time. He's such a pussy I didn't think he had it in him."

Mack said "With all due respect, Mr. Carbone, aren't you being a little harsh?"

Tony barked "Hell no. Jim's a weakling, we all know it. I knocked up a hot young thing at 73. By the time Jim's my age he'll probably be too much of a weak ass to get it up even with Viagra."

Jim buries his face in his hand and sighs.

* * *

**A baby supply store, the next day...**

Quinn, Jim, Tony and Jennifer are shopping for baby supplies.

"Jennifer," Tony whined, "Why are we doing this now? It's October and the baby's not due 'til May."

Jennifer said "I don't know what all we'll need so Quinn's helping me."

Jim and Quinn, meanwhile, are arguing.

"I can't believe you want another kid, Quinn."

Quinn said "Jim, it'll be fun."

Jim said "No, it'll be a huge responsibility that I thought we were done with."

Quinn said "Jim, why don't you want another child?"

Jim said "Because we have three already. Why are you so hell bent on having another kid?"

Quinn explained "Because I miss the special moments."

Jim said "There are other moments. You know the boys still have a lot of milestones ahead of them. Let's talk about what's really going on."

"What do you mean?" asked Quinn.

Jim explained "You just want another kid because what Jennifer said the other day made you feel old. You want to prove that you can still cut it."

Quinn immediately freezes because Jim just hit the nail right on the head.

"Quinn," he explained, "You're only 36. You've still got your looks, you've still got your energy. Just because you're not in your 20's anymore doesn't mean you have to stop having fun. In fact, now that the boys are older we have some of our free time back. We can start doing things that we had to put on hold when we had kids."

Quinn asked "What are you saying?"

Jim said "I'm saying we've reached a point where we can start cutting loose again. We can have nights out on the town again, we can go clubbing again. There's no law that says you can only be a parent or grandparent after a certain age. Look at my mother. She's living a more active life in her sixties than she ever did in her youth. Or your parents. They're hardly ever in town anymore because no sooner are they back when they head off on some other adventure. We don't even have to wait for retirement. We're in a line of work where we can make money while living it up and, now that the kids are older, we can start doing new things and include them."

Quinn now looked thoughtful.

Meanwhile, Tony is looking around. He has a worried expression on his face. He sees a baby in a pram. Suddenly, the store turns into a Vietnamese jungle. The baby jumps out of the pram and turns into a Viet Cong sniper armed with a Dragonov rifle. Tony shakes his head to snap himself out of it and everything returns to normal. Next, he sees a baby in a rocker. The store now turns into an Eastern European city during the cold war. The rocker turns into a Soviet tank with it's cannon aimed straight at Tony. He gasps in horror as everything once again changes back to normal.

Next, Tony looks at a play area where mother's are socializing while the babies play. The babies now turn into Central American guerillas armed with AK-47's. The babies aim their AK's at Tony.

"VIVA LA REVOLUCION!"

They open fire on Tony. Next, Tony sees another baby turn into an infant version of Leonid Brezhnev. The Brezhnev baby aims an AK at Tony.

"We will crush your decadent capitalist society!"

The baby Brezhnev opens fire. Another baby looks like a North Vietnamese soldier. This baby throws a live grenade at Tony. Tony turns to run and finds himself back in the baby store again. He sees a woman pushing a stroller with twins. Suddenly, turbins appear on the twin babies heads and they're brandishing schemitars.

"JIHAD!" shouted one baby.

The other baby pointed his schemitar at Tony and shouted "DEATH TO THE INFIDEL!"

"GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Screaming, Tony runs out of the store. The others see this.

"DAD!" Jim called out.

They run after Tony as he heads to Quinn's car, gets in the driver's seat and starts the engine.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Tony shouted before speeding off.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn's Cadillac is all dinged and scratched, which is sure to upset her. Tony also parked it in the front yard, tearing up the lawn in the process, which is sure to upset Jim. Immediately upon arrival Tony went straight to the basement. Now, he's in Jim's man cave drinking Jack Daniels straight out of the bottle while Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are with him drinking soda.

Tony said "The fact that Jennifer's got one in the oven had me so worked up I started having war flashbacks. I had to get outta there."

Tommy said "Dude, you had a freakout!"

Timmy said "Why are you so wound up, Grandpa?"

Tony said "Because I'm having another kid at 75. By the time that kid's in high school I'm probably either gonna be dead or damn close to it. That's freaking me out to no end."

Teddy said "You're freaked out!? We're the ones who are gonna have an aunt or uncle that's younger than we are."

Tony sighed.

"I didn't mean for this to happen. I was just having a beer and listening to the Supreme's on my vinyl record player. You boys like the Supremes?"

Tommy said "Never heard of 'em."

Tommy and Timmy both look questioningly at Teddy. With a sigh, Teddy explains to his brothers who The Supremes are.

"The Supremes were an all girl R and B group that was big in the late fifties and early sixties."

Tony continued "I was just listening to The Supremes, having a beer when Jennifer comes in wearing her sexiest lingerie. She has a champagne bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other. Before I know it, BAM, she's pregnant. Dammit, I'm too old to have another baby. Your parents, they're the right age to be having babies. In fact, right now they're trying to give you guys a new brother or sister."

All three T's gasp in shock as this is news to them.

Tommy said "Mom and Dad...are trying to have another baby!?"

Teddy said "You'd think three would be enough for them."

Timmy looks sad as he comes to a disturbing conclusion.

"I guess Mom and Dad wanna get it right this time."

* * *

**The next day...**

Quinn is sitting alone in the home office. She's deep in thought.

_Jim's right. The only reason I want another baby is that Jennifer's comment the other day made me feel insecure about being closer to age 40 than age 20. Also, Jim had a point. Now that the boys are getting older we're starting to get back some of the free time that we lost when we became parents. Do I really wanna lose out on more adult experiences just to compete with a bimbo with cheap fake boobs?_

Quinn takes a deep breath before resuming her thoughts.

_No. I don't wanna waist the remainder of my youth being all work and no play. Besides, I'm only 36. It's not like I'm gonna have menopause any time soon._

Quinn's thoughts are interrupted.

"Mom?"

Quinn looks up from her desk as Tommy, Timmy and Teddy come in. They don't look happy.

"Is something wrong, boys?"

Teddy said "We had an interesting conversation with Grandpa Tony yesterday. It seems you and Dad wanna have another kid."

Tommy asked "Is it true?"

Quinn admitted "It was."

Almost in tears, Timmy asked "Why, Mom? Why?"

Tommy asked "Am I not cool enough? Is it because Teddy's a brain and Timmy's a wuss?"

"Tommy," Quinn scolded, "I've warned you not to talk about your brothers like that!"

Timmy said "Mom, we're sorry. We'll try to be good from now on."

Quinn asked "Boys, you are good."

Teddy said "We're having some doubts there."

In an accusing tone, Tommy asked "If we're so great then why did you want another kid."

Teary eyed, Timmy said "Mom, we're sorry. If we knew you and Dad would replace us we would've been better."

Quinn's heart broke a little when she heard that.

"Timmy, no! I don't wanna replace you! I don't wanna replace any of you!"

Tommy asked "Then why do you want another kid? Aren't we good enough?"

Quinn said "You boys are more than good enough, you're all perfect. I wouldn't trade you guys for anything. I wanted another kid because...well..." Words escape her, "Look, it has nothing to do with you boys. Your father and I love you more than anything and we always will."

Jim, having overheard the conversation, comes in.

"Yeah," he said, "Besides, I don't want another kid. Your mother was just freaking out because Jennifer's pregnant."

Quinn isn't offended because she has come to accept that Jim's right.

"Your father's right, boys. In fact, now that I've thought about it, I've decided I don't want another kid after all."

All three T's breathe huge sighs of relief. Suddenly, Jennifer comes in.

"Jim," she said in a panicked voice, "Your father's gone!"

"What!?" exclaimed Jim.

Quinn asked "Are you sure?"

Jennifer said "Yes. He made me put his stuff in the GTO last night and left."

Jim whipped out his smart phone and dialed Tony's cell number. He waited. Finally...

"He's not answering his cell. He could be anywhere."

Teddy suggested "You have GPS on that phone. Can you use it to find the location of the number you called?"

Jim spoke into his phone. "Ok, google."

His I-Phone went online.

"Locate previous number called."

Jim looked at the screen.

"It's in the long term parking lot at Philadelphia International Airport! Dammit, if he left last night he could be anywhere on the planet by now!"

Suddenly, Jennifer remembered something.

"Someone called on the house phone earlier. I let the machine get it."

They all head over to the phone and check the voicemail.

"Hey, it's Tony. Just called to let youse guys know that I hauled ass last night and I'm not coming back, EVER! Jim, I need you and Quinn to take care of Jennifer and the baby."

With that, the message ends.

Quinn hissed "That sack of shit!"

Jim said "I can star six-nine him."

Jim picks up the phone and dials *69.

"Hello, I'd like to know who I'm calling...Le Grand Hotel...No, MGM Grand!?...WHAT!?...Thanks."

Jim hangs up and shares what he learned.

"You won't believe this, Dad's in Las Vegas."

Everyone gasps. Tony abandoned his pregnant wife to have a wild time in Vegas.

* * *

**Act III**

**Casa Carbone, day...**

Jim is loading up his Camaro for a four day road trip.

"If I'm lucky, I can get there in a few days. Then I just have to find Dad."

Suddenly, Kevin walks up.

"Hey, Jim. So, going to Vegas, huh?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

"Kevin, this isn't a vacation. My Dad ran out and I have to find him and bring him back."

Kevin asked "Need a hand?"

Jim said "Thanks but no thanks, Kevin. I'm picking Chris up on my way. He'll help me."

Quinn said "You know, Jim, three guys can cover more ground than two."

Jim said "Not if one of those guys is Kevin."

"Come on, Jim," Kevin begged, "Brittany already booked training sessions with Daryl while I'm gone."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Fine!"

Jennifer walked up to Jim.

"Jim, Tony's incredibly sneaky. How will you find him?"

Jim explained "Simple, I know he's at the MGM Grand. I'll start there."

"Good," said Jennifer, "I don't wanna be a single mother."

Jim said "I'll do my best, Jennifer."

With that, he and Kevin got in the car.

* * *

**Montage scene...**

**Music:** "The Traveler" by A Flock Of Seagulls

We see a US map with a red dot representing Jim, Chris and Kevin. Cut to a shot of them on I-95 in Philadelphia. Cut back to the map and we see the dot head south on I-95 through Delaware and Maryland. Once the dot reaches Richmond, VA they get on I-85 and go into North Carolina. Once in the Raleigh-Durham area they go west on I-40. Cut to a schot of Jim's Camaro driving past a Ku Klux Klan rally. Cut back to the map as they enter Tennessee. Cut to a shot of Jim's car passing by Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. Next, a shot of the Camaro crossing the Mississippi River. Cut back to the map and we see the dot continue along I-40 until Little Rock, Arkansas. They then take I-30 into Texas. Cut to a shot of the Dallas skyline. Cut to a shot of Jim's Camaro passing by Big Tex at the state fairgrounds. Cut back to the map to show them heading west on I-20. Cut to a shot of Jim's Camaro driving as the trees give way to open praire. They pass by a sign that says 'Highland, next exit'. Close up of Jim shuddering in disgust as he appears to be telling Kevin and Chris all about where Quinn and Daria are originally from. Next, we cut back to the map as the red dot goes west on I-10. Cut to a shot of the Camaro driving through El Paso as the sun sets. Cut to inside the car and we see Kevin appear awestruck. Cut to Kevin's POV and we see that built into the side of a mountain is a lit up lone star. Cut back to the map and we see the red dot continue west through New Mexico and Arizona. Cut to a shot of Jim's Camaro heading west through the desert. Cut to inside and we see them all singing along to the song.

"And don't stop, don't loook bhind you, don't stop, they'll never find you."

Cut to later on as the car passes through Phoenix. Cut back to the map and we see the red dot follow US-93 into Nevada. Finally, the red dot comes to a stop in Las Vegas.

* * *

**Las Vegas, evening...**

Jim, Chris and Kevin are walking out of the MGM Grand. They look disappointed.

Chris said "So, they kicked Dad out for being a sore loser at Blackjack."

Jim said "Why am I not surprised?"

Kevin asked "So, what now?"

Jim said "If we're gonna find Dad we need to think like him. Where would a violence prone skirt chaser go after getting kicked out of the Grand?"

They look right across the street and spot a Juggins. They immediately enter.

* * *

**Later...**

Jim, Chris and Kevin are walking the Strip. While Kevin takes in the light of all the casinos Jim and Chris try to decide where to look next.

"Any ideas?" asked Jim.

Chris points to a side street. Once past the casions the street is a long row of strip clubs.

"Let's go." said Jim.

* * *

**Sometime later...**

Jim and Chris are waiting outside a strip club and look disappointed while Kevin is nowhere to be seen.

Jim said "I can't believe it. A whole block of strip joints and Dad wasn't in any one of them."

Chris looks at his watch.

"I wish Kevin would hurry the hell up. He's been in the Champagne Room for close to an hour."

Jim asked "Did you give him enough money for more than just a dance?"

Chris said "Dance and some..._ahem_...other services."

Jim looks at his watch.

"He should be coming out in 3...2..."

Before he gets to one a visibly drunk Kevin stumbles out of the strip club.

"Dude..._hic_...I'm in love..._urp_..."

Jim and Chris look at Kevin.

"Whut?" Kevin slurred.

Jim said "Your fly's open."

Kevin looked down and saw that his pants were indeed unzipped. Zipping his pants, Kevin said "Thanks, man."

Just then a tour bus comes to a stop in front of them. As a bunch of tourists disembark Chris notices an advertisement. It has a picture of the Supremes and says 'performing all this month at The Mirage'.

"Jim, check it out. Dad loves The Supremes."

Jim said "Are they even still alive?"

Rolling his eyes at his brother's brain fart Chris said "Jim, I'm pretty sure they're impersonators. Still, maybe Dad's there."

Jim said "True, and even if he isn't they can probably tell us where he went."

* * *

**The Mirage, a short time later...**

Jim, Chris and Kevin are in the ballroom watching the faux-Supremes do a cover of their hit "Baby Love". The crowd erupts into applause as the song ends. The Diana Ross impersonator comes up to the microphone.

"Thank you, everyone. We'll be here through the end of the month."

Jim walks up to the stage.

"Excuse me," he said, "I was wondering if you ladies have seen my father. He's a huge fan."

While the other two continue off stage the Diana Ross clone approaches Jim.

"How can I help?"

Jim gets a picture of Tony out of his wallet and shows it to 'Diana'.

"Have you seen this man?"

The Diana look alike nodded. "Yeah, I remember him. He tried to grab my ass."

Visibly embarrassed, Jim said "Yeah, he does that to the ladies...much to my chigrin."

The Diana clone took of her wig, revealing herself to actually be a man in drag.

"Yeah, so when he realized I'm not really Diana Ross but a drag queen he went on a rampage and security threw him out."

Jim is too shocked to speak.

* * *

**Casino Royale (across the street from The Mirage), a short time later...**

Jim, Chris and Kevin are by the slot machines trying to figure out their next move.

"What now?" asked Chris.

Jim said "Well, he could be anywhere."

Kevin said "Dude, can we wait until tomorrow. I'm tired and..._hic_...drunk."

Jim said "I'm not raising my new brother or sister. I've got three kids of my own. For that reason alone we aren't leaving Vegas without my Dad."

"Jim," said Chris, "Dad could be anywhere by now?"

Rubbing his temples, Jim said "Look, I need a drink. Why don't you guys hit the poker table while I think things through at the bar?"

Chris and Kevin head off to play poker while Jim goes over to the bar and takes a seat.

The bartender asked "What'll it be?"

Jim said "Jack on the Rocks."

The bartender makes Jim's drink. He's about to ask if the bartender's seen Tony when he hears a familiar voice.

"COME ON, LADY LUCK, DON'T LET ME DOWN!"

Jim looks over and sees Tony at the craps table. Once he has his drink Jim makes his way over.

"Hey, Dad."

Tony freezes for a moment before giving Jim a hostile look.

"Jim, I'm not going back."

Jim thinks fast. He quickly comes up with a story that's sure to change his father's mind.

"I didn't come here to force you to go back. I came here to tell you that Jennifer's new lover will take good care of the baby."

Tony's eyes flash with rage.

"WHAT!?"

Jim said "Yeah, since you don't wanna take responsibility Jennifer found someone who would. His name's Jerry."

Tony barked "GIVE ME HIS ADDRESS! I'LL F$%&ING GUT HIM!"

With a sigh, Jim admitted "Dad, Jennifer didn't find someone else. Jerry's just somebody I made up, but see how worked up you got just now? You need to go back to Jennifer and make this right. You two are gonna have a child."

Tony calmed down.

"Ah, hell, I was planning on going back anyway."

Jim was surprised how easy that was.

"So, Jim," Tony said, "You and Quinn are gonna have another kid, huh?"

Jim said "Actually, we decided not to. Quinn just wanted another baby because that remark Jennifer made about her age upset her. We had a long talk and decided that we're happy with the kids we have and another child would be more trouble than it's worth."

In a venomous tone, Tony said "So, you're giving up. You always were a quitter!"

After all he's been through Jim's really in no mood for his father's crap.

"Yes, Dad, I'm a quitter. You win! Happy?"

Tony said "No, I'm not happy and I don't win. Dammit, kid, you're not in competition with me. Hell, if it's a contest over who's the better father you win, hands down."

Jim is pleasantly surprised to hear this.

"You...You mean that?"

Tony said "Of course I do. You made three great kids, all I made is you and Chris." With a sigh, Tony continued "Jim, I'll deny I ever said this in the future but you're a better father than me. Hell, you're a better human being than me. You're an internet celebrity, you make six figures working from home, you're a good father and a good husband. All I've got going for me is that I killed a hundred commies in 'Nam."

Jim is touched as this is the first time Tony's ever said anything nice to him.

"Thanks, Dad."

Tony barked "Now, don't go getting all touchy feely on me. You're still a pussy ass weakling who's more womanly than most women."

Jim said "And you're still a toxic psychopath who should be locked in a cage for the rest of his life."

Smiling, Tony said "Got me there, Jim. Got me there. Hell, as much as I like to bust on your wife I gotta admit Quinn's freaking hot."

Jim gives Tony an offended look.

"Take the compliment, ya f$%&ing sissy." said Tony, "It's the only one you're ever gonna get."

Jim said "Thanks, Dad," He looks at his watch. "Well, you ready to go?"

Tony said "Now hold no, nobody knows you found me yet. Whaddaya say we rebuild some burnt bridges with some father/son fun in Vegas. We can head back in the morning."

Jim smiled. "Sure, why not?"

Tony turned to the table manager. "Fifty on ten."

He rolls the dice.

The dealer said "Craps, you lose."

Tony loses his shit.

"YOU SON OF A MOTHERF&%#IN' WHORE! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Tony lunges at the dealer and strangles him. Jim buries his face in his hand out of embarrassment.

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Kevin and Brittany's son, Ultra, loses his spot on the football team and all the status that came with it.


	6. From Champ To Chump

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 36**

**"From Champ To Chump"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Lawndale High Stadium, Evening...**

It's a brisk Friday night in the fall, which means only one thing: high school football. On the field Lawndale is playing a close game against Oakwood.

From the announcer's booth, the announcer said "And we have a close game, with the Lawndale Lions and Oakwood Taproots tied at 14 points."

One the sidelines the cheerleaders, led by Lauren and coached by Brittany, are cheering on.

"LET'S GO, LAWNDALE! LET'S GO!"

On the field, Oakwood's offensive line faces Lawndale's defense. Lawndale's cheerleaders each raise a pom-pom with every syllable of the next chant.

"DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO LIONS!"

Oakwood hiked the ball. The quarterback looked for an open reciever while his line men held off Lawndale. Finally, the quarterback tossed the ball to a wide reciever. As the receiver prepares to catch the ball and run with it a Lawndale player seems to come out of nowhere and catch the ball.

Announcer: "INTERCEPTION! LAWNDALE HAS THE BALL!"

The interceptor runs and makes it to the 35 yard line before being chased out of bounds by Oakwood.

In the bleachers, the whole crowd goes wild. The spectators include Kevin Thompson, Kevin Jr. and Daryl as well as Kevin and Brittany's three daughters,10 year old Lisa and 12 year old twins Angie and Nikki. The twins look like preteen versions of Brittany while Lisa looks like a genderflipped Kevin.

Another group of spectators is Quinn, Jim and their triplet sons, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy.

"Mom," said Teddy, "We aren't in high school. Why are we here again?"

Quinn explained "Two reasons, Teddy. One, as President of the Lawndale Booster Society my duties include attending every home game. Two, the Thompson's are our friends and neighbors."

Teddy sighed as he felt it was dumb to go to a high school football game just because Brittany's the cheerleading coach and her and Kevin's eldest son, Ultra, is the quarter back.

From the booth, the announcer said "And now Lawndale's offense takes the field, led by senior Ultra Thompson."

The cheerleaders start another chant.

"ULTRA! ULTRA! LEAD THAT TEAM! MAKE VICTORY MORE THAN A DREAM! GOOOOOOOOOOOO LIONS!"

In the bleachers both Kevin and Kevin Jr. give the quarterback a standing ovation.

"THAT'S MY BOY!" Kevin proudly shouted.

With equal pride, Kevin Jr. shouted "THAT'S MY BROTHER!"

Daryl, with a hint of saddness in his eyes, looked at Kevin Jr. and thought _You're half right._

For those who don't already know, Brittany and Daryl are adulturous lovers. The affair began ten years ago when Brittany took Daryl on as a personal trainer in order to regain her pre-pregnancy shape after the birth of Lisa. Daryl is Kevin Jr.'s biological father. Kevin and the kids are unaware of this but the rest of the town has long since figured it out, mostly because both Daryl and Kevin Jr. are black while Kevin and Brittany are white.

On the field, Lawndale hikes the ball. Two of Oakwoods line men break through the Lawndale line. Before Ultra can do anything with the ball he is grabbed by both at the same time and taken down, hard.

"OH, AND ULTRA JUST GOT SACKED LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN!"

In the stands, everyone gasps in horror.

"DUDE!" exclaimed Kevin

"OH, NO!" shouted Quinn.

"ULTRA!" shouted Lauren, who in addition to being the head cheerleader is Ultra's girlfriend.

On the field, the two Oakwood players get off of Ultra. Ultra tries to get up but can't. One of the Lawndale players extends his hand to help Ultra up.

"AHHHHHHH!" Ultra screamed as the player pulled his arm up. Grabbing Ultra's other hand, the player gets Ultra back on his feet. Ultra suddenly collapses back on the ground.

"AHHHHHHH! MY LEG!"

The crowd gasped in horror as it's now clear that Ultra Thompson is seriously hurt.

* * *

**Cedar's of Lawndale, later...**

In the waiting room Kevin, Brittany and the kids anxously await news on Ultra's condition. The coach is also there, but he just stands in the background and says nothing. Suddenly, the doctor comes out. He's a man of about sixty with receding gray hair and glasses. Upon seeing him, Kevin and Brittany rush up to the doctor.

"How's my baby!?" Brittany frantically asked, "Is he gonna be alright!?"

Equally frantic, Kevin asked "How long until my son can play again!?"

Calm, the doctor said "He suffered no permanent damage. With rest and proper treatment your son should fully recover."

Both Kevin and Brittany breathed a huge sigh of relief. The coach walked up to the doctor and asked him a question.

"What are his injuries?"

The doctor said "He has a broken right hand, a hairline fracture of the fifth metatarsal bone in his left foot, fractures of his first and fourth metatarsals in his right foot, a torn ACL in his right knee, a cracked rib on each side, a dislocated right shoulder and a sprained right wrist."

Nervous, Brittany said "That sounds kind of bad."

The doctor continued his explanation.

"We've popped his shoulder back in. It'll be swollen for a few weeks but should be fine after that. The same goes for the sprained wrist. Unfortunately, the broken bones will take at least two months to heal and his knee will require surgery."

The coach's eyes went wide as he knew what all of this meant.

Kevin, showing his math skills (specifically, his complete lack thereof), asked "So, like, when can he play again?"

Both Brittany and the coach rolled their eyes.

The doctor said "Mr. Thompson, your son won't be able to play for the rest of the season."

Kevin's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Kara's Wild Family Fun Center (Formerly Jim's Paintballing Jungle), the following evening...**

In the banquet hall the adults hold a meeting of the Lawndale Boosters while the kids play games in the arcade.

Seated at the head of the table are the clubs officers. President Quinn Carbone(nee Morgendorffer), Vice President Sandi Griffin (she went back to using Griffin as her last name in order to cut down on confusion), PR Manager Stacy Ruttheimer (nee Rowe) and Treasurer Jim Carbone. Quinn stood up.

"Attention, everyone" she said, "I've called this emergency meeting of the Lawndale Boosters because we have a problem."

Sandi, some of her old haughtiness returning, said "Kuh-winn, we all know this. As President, I..."

Quinn cut her off.

"Sandi, this isn't the Fashion Club. This time, I'm the President and you're the Vice President."

Sandi frowned. Just as quickly as it had returned her old haughtiness left as she was reminded of how far she'd fallen since her Fashion Club days. She hung her head and sighed as the divorce, abandonement and all the other hard knocks of her post high school life have managed to beat the will to fight out of her.

At this point Chuck and Stacy's 10 year old son, Chucky, walked by. Having overheard the exchange, he looked at Sandi and spoke in his usual snarky monotone.

"You peaked in high school."

As he continued on his way Sandi began to cry. Ignoring this, Quinn continued with her speech.

"As I was saying," she said, "We have a problem. Lawndale High's quarterback, Ultra Thompson, has suffered injuries that'll have him out for the rest of the season. Since he's a senior he'll be ineligable to play next year. This could not have come at a worse time as the Lions had a real shot at winning the State Championship this year. Stacy, explain what you've learned."

Quinn sat down as Stacy stood up.

"According to my research," she said, "since Ultra's been the quarterback Lawndale has recieved a huge PR boost, resulting in an increase in both new residents and new businesses. Without a winning football team this town will most likely take a hit in terms of image. Without the draw of a winning football team Lawndale's just another bland New Jersey suburb."

The other Boosters muttered amongst themselves as they grasped just how this could adversly affect the town.

Stacy said "We need a new hook. Something that'll make Lawndale seem like the best place to start a business and raise a family."

Stacy sat back down as Quinn stood back up.

"Any ideas?" she asked.

No one answered. Quinn now frowned.

_Unless our second stringer turns out to be as good as Ultra we're screwed!_

* * *

**Lawndale high, Friday night...**

It's the opening drive of the first game since Ultra's injuries. The whole crowd is nervous. Will the backup quarterback be as good as Ultra was? Ultra watches from the sidelines. He's in a motorized cart with both feet in casts, his right wrist in a brace, his right arm in a cast and sling and a huge frown on his face.

From the booth, the announcer said "And Lawndale's offense takes the field. With starting quarterback Ultra Thompson injured, the offense is being led by freshman Travis Holtz."

Travis, a tall, muscular guy with short blonde hair, takes the field. The ball is hiked. Travis can't find a reciever. It looks like he's about to take a sack when he maneuvers out of the way. Once that was done, Travis looked ahead. Seeing no one between himself and the goal line Travis takes the ball and runs with it.

"OH MY GOD!" exclaimed the announcer, "TRAVIS IS RUNNING THE BALL HIMSELF!"

Travis runs all the way to the goal line.

"TOUCHDOWN! LAWNDALE HAS SCORED A TOUCHDOWN ON THE FIRST PLAY OF THE GAME! THAT HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE 1999, WHEN ULTRA'S FATHER, KEVIN THOMPSON, WAS THE QUARTERBACK!"

The whole crowd erupted in thunderous applause.

**Music:** "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who

It went on like this throughout the whole game. Every time Lawndale was on offense, Travis was able to score a first down on every play. Every drive ended in a touchdown for Lawndale. As the game went on, the crowd started chanting.

"TRAVIS! TRAVIS! TRAVIS! TRAVIS!"

Amazed, the announcer said "No doubt, Travis Holtz is the best quarterback since Kevin Thompson. He may even be the next Tommy Sherman."

The final drive of the game ends with another touchdown by Lawndale. Travis took the ball himself and threw it into the end zone with a skill and finesse that would rival Tom Brady.

"TOUCHDOWN!" the announcer exclaimed, unable to contain his excitement, "THE LIONS HAVE JUST COMPLETELY SHUT OUT THE MONARCHS! THE FINAL SCORE IS LAWNDALE, 49, MIDDLBURY, 0!"

In the bleachers the crowd went wild. On the field, the rest of the team hoisted Travis up on their shoulders. Everyone chanted.

"TRAVIS! TRAVIS! TRAVIS! TRAVIS! TRAVIS!"

* * *

**Lawndale High, Monday morning...**

Ultra is wheeling through the hallway in his cart. He spots two girls with supermodel looks, a blonde and a brunette. They were talking by their lockers. Ultra eavesdropped on the conversation.

"That was some game Friday night!" said the blonde.

The brunette said "I know! Travis was amazing!"

The blonde asked "Is he single? I totally wanna go out with him."

"Who wouldn't?" replied the brunette.

Hearing this made Ultra feel jealous. He immediately wheeled over to the girls.

"Hey, babes! What's up?"

The blonde nervously said "Ultra...um...How are you?"

Ultra said "I'm good, babe."

Tugging the blonde's arm, the brunette said "We gotta go."

Visibly relieved, the blonde said "Later, Ultra." Under her breath, she added "Much later."

As the two girls hurridely walked away one of them pointed back at Ultra and said "Loser."

They both laughed while Ultra looked totally deflated.

* * *

**A short time later...**

Ultra approached a couple of his teammates as they were hanging out by their lockers.

"Hey, guys," said Ultra.

The two football players ignored him.

"Um...Guys?"

Both players sighed and turned to face Ultra.

"What do you want?"

Ultra was shocked as he'd previously known these guys to be his friends.

"Dude, what gives!?"

Before either of them can answer, Travis walks up. He has a smoking hot girl on each arm. The other two football players are totally in awe of him.

"Yo, Travis!"

"What's up, dude?"

Travis said "Hey, guys. I'm throwing a huge kegger on Saturday." He got two envelopes and handed them over. "Here you go."

The two football players eagerly take the invitations. Ultra is visibly put off that they seem to be pretending that he's not there.

"HEY!" said Ultra, "Like, where's my invitation!? I'm still the QB!"

Steve said "It's in the mail."

Without another word, they all walk away from Ultra. One of them even said "What a loser? I can't believe we used to think he was cool."

Ultra hung down his head and sighed.

* * *

**Later...**

Ultra was at his locker when Lauren approached. She did not look happy.

"Hey, babe," said Ultra upon seeing his girlfriend, "What's up?"

Lauren said "Ultra, we need to talk."

"About?"

Lauren took a deep breath before speaking. "Look, I've given this a lot of thought. The fact is that you're not popular anymore while I still am."

Ultra said "But...I'm the QB?"

"You were the QB." said Lauren, "Now, you're just the guy in a scooter."

Ultra said "But, babe..."

"Ultra, please, this is hard enough," said Lauren, "The thing is, you're not the quarterback anymore but I'm still the head cheerleader. In fact, if people see us kiss or hold hands I'll be demoted from head cheerleader to class slut. I don't want that. You don't have any status anymore but I still have mine to think about."

Uneasy, Ultra said "B...Babe, what are you saying?"

With a sigh, Lauren said "We have to break up. Everyone will think I'm a loser if I don't. Sorry, but we just can't be together anymore."

Ultra was stunned speechless. He's not only lost his social standing but everything that comes with it, including his hot cheerleader girlfriend.

* * *

**Act II**

**Thompson house, evening...**

Ultra was in his room. Laying in his bed he stared at his I-Phone and looked totally depressed. This was because he was staring at an image of himself and Lauren. In the image they were hugging and had huge smiles on their faces. Ultra scrolled to another image. This one was of him and his teammates having a beer shugging contest. He scrolled to another image. This one was an image of Lauren in a sexy red bikini. Ultra sighed.

_At least I still have an image of her for the spank bank._

He sighed again and wished he had some nudes, but Lauren had heard enough sexting horror stories to be unwilling to do that.

"Ultra?"

Ultra turned off his phone and looked up. Brittany was standing in the doorway.

"How are you feeling, my little champ?" she asked.

Ultra said "Not so good, Mom."

Concerned, Brittany asked "What's wrong, sweetie?"

Ultra said "No one wants anything to do with me anymore."

Without thinking, Brittany said "That's because you're not popular anymore."

She immediately regretted saying that as Ultra looked like he was about to cry.

"Sorry, I...um..." Brittany has no idea how to cheer him up.

Ultra said "Lauren dumped me."

"I know." said Brittany, "She seemed really distracted during cheer practice today so I asked her what was going on."

Hopeful, Ultra asked "And?"

Brittany said "She told me she didn't want to dump you. She only did it so she wouldn't be unpopular too."

Ultra said "So, if I was popular again I'd get her back."

Brittany nodded. "Or if she becomes unpopular too."

Just then, the doorbell rings. Brittany blushed with excitement.

"That's Daryl! Gotta go."

Ultra said "Enjoy the workout, Mom."

In a sly tone, Brittany said "I will." Suddenly realizing that she sounded suspicious, Brittany said "Uh...I mean...ummm...uh...igottago!"

Brittany hurried out of the room. Just then, Kevin Jr. came in. Ultra smiled at his little brother.

"Hey, little buddy!"

Kevin Jr. said "Hey, bro."

Ultra asked "Did you want something?"

Kevin Jr. said "Dad wanted me to talk to you while Mom was working out."

Kevin Jr. sat on a chair next to Ultra.

Ultra said "I, like, envy your youth. You don't know how cruel high school can be."

Kevin Jr. said nothing but gave his older brother a pitying look.

Ultra rambled on. "You're, like, the next generation. You need to be the one to carry on my...um...What's that thing where you do what older members of your family did?"

Kevin Jr. shrugged. "I dunno."

Ultra asked "You any good at football."

"I guess. Why?"

Ultra said "Dude, you don't get it. Now that I'm no longer the QB you have to carry on the tradition. You, like, have to succeed where I failed."

Kevin Jr. now looked nervous.

Ultra continued "You have to be the one who plays college ball and makes it into the NFL now. I'm, like, useless now."

Kevin Jr. now visibly feels the pressure. "Dad said the same thing when he asked me to talk to you."

* * *

**Lawndale high, the next day...**

Lauren is at her locker. She closed the locker to find Ultra right there in his cart.

"What do you want?" she asked her now ex-boyfriend in a snippy tone.

Ultra said "Babe, I miss you."

Lauren frantically said "Ultra, if people see us talking I'll lose all of my friends."

Ultra said "But, like, then we'll both be unpopular and we can get back together."

Irritated, Lauren said "Ultra, I don't wanna be unpopular."

"But, babe," said Ultra, "I...like...miss you."

"Don't call me babe," Lauren barked, "I'm not your babe." She looked around. After seeing that they were alone, Lauren softened her tone. "I miss you too, Ultra, but we just can't be. I'm still the head cheerleader and you're a total loser now."

Ultra said "But, babe, I hate not being liked. It totally sucks."

Lauren said "And that's why I dumped you."

Trying to guilt Lauren into taking him back, Ultra said "But, like, it'd suck less if I still had a babe."

Lauren now looked uncertain. She now forced her to remember all the things Ultra did to piss her off when they were together.

"Ultra," she said, "I've always taken the good with the bad when it comes to us. When you accidentally ran over my cat I forgave you. When you stood me up at an Ariana Grande concert I accepted your apology. And even when you gave me herpes I let it slide."

She angrily got in Ultra's face.

"But I'm done putting up with all of your bullshit. We're done! Accept it!"

Lauren angrily stormed off while Ultra looked totally defeated.

* * *

**Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, evening...**

While their kids play in the arcade the Lawndale Boosters are having another meeting. Jim was standing up and concluding an anaylsis of Travis Holtz's potential impact on the town's economy.

"In conclusion," said Jim, "Until Travis graduates I project Lawndale's tax base to expand by 10 percent each year. If he goes to a top college and gains national fame at that level Lawndale can use his fame to expand the taxbase by five percent each year for five years. Such an expansion can continue indeffinitely if he goes pro."

As the crowd applaudes Jim sits back down. Quinn stood up and raised her drink.

"Thanks, Jim. Everyone, a toast. To Travis Holtz."

They all toasted and drank. The only one who doesn't look happy is Sandi.

Meanwhile, in the arcade...

Kevin Jr. is playing a video game with Tommy and Timmy.

Kevin Jr. said "My whole family's been acting weird. Ultra just sits around looking sad, Dad and my sisters pretend my brother isn't there and Mom's been doing all night workouts with Daryl for the past two weeks. The last time she did that was after Dad forgot her birthday."

Tommy said "So? Parents are weird like that."

Timmy said "Our parents won't stop talking about that new guy on the team."

Kevin Jr. said "My brother told me I have to be the QB when I'm in high school."

Tommy said "Dude, I wanna be the QB. I'm gonna be the next Travis Holtz."

Kevin Jr. said "I guess I could be a wide reciever."

Timmy asked "Why don't you both be the QB?"

Tommy and Kevin Jr. both rolled their eyes. Ultra was nearby and overheard the conversation. He hung his head and sighed. Chuck Ruttheimer the fourth walked by and looked at Ultra.

"You're washed up."

Chucky continued on his way as Ultra grew even more depressed.

In the dinning hall Sandi looked out into the arcade and saw how sad Ultra looked. She immediately looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Sandi's house, the next day...**

Ultra is in the living room drinking a beer.

"THANKS FOR THE BEER, MISS..." he's unsure what to call her as she's changed her last name so many times over the years, "...WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?"

Sandi: (VO, from another room) "Just call me Sandi."

"OKAY."

At this point, Sandi entered the living room. Ultra's jaw fell open when he saw what she was wearing. Sanid was dressed in a tight black baby tee, denim mini skirt that showed plenty of leg and black go-go boots.

"Whoa!" said Ultra, "You're, like, totally hot!"

Smiling, Sandi said "Thank you." _I've still got it!_

Truth be told, the reason Sandi was dressed like this was to get compliments on her sex appeal. After her ex-husband left her for a college student she needed to be reminded that she could still turn guys heads (and girls as well, since she's bisexual). She sat down next to Ultra.

"So," said Ultra, "Are you, like, trying to seduce me?"

In a flirty tone, Sandi asked "What if I am?"

Ultra said "Then, I'd, like, totally do you. You're a total hottie."

Smiling, Sandi said "Thanks, but you're only seventeen. Now, if you were old enough to buy beer without a fake ID then I'd want you but I'm no cradle robber."

Frowning, Ultra said "Aw, man!"

Satisfied by the compliments, Sandi decided to get down to business.

"Look, the reason I invited you over is because I couldn't help noticing how bummed you are about no longer being the star quarterback. As someone who's lost all status myself I know exactly what you're going through. Are you okay?"

"No," Ultra replied bitterly. "None of the guys wanna hang out with me, no girls wanna talk to me, my girlfriend dumped me and my parents are totally ignoring me. It sucks!"

"Tell me about it," said Sandi, "I used to be President of the Fashion Club. Then the club disbanded, guys stopped dating me and my friends all turned on me."

Ultra said "That's what's happening to me. No one likes me anymore. I...I really miss my babe. Lauren was, like, the love of my life."

Sandi asked "Did she say why she dumped you?"

"Duh," said Ultra, "I'm not the QB anymore but she's still the head cheerleader. Being unpopular sucks. It sucks even worse when there's no one to make out with."

Sandi slyly said "And if you did have someone to make out with?"

Ultra said "You wanna make out with me!? Coool!"

Realizing she'd pushed a little too far, Sandi said "No, but I wanna help you."

"You could, like, hook up with me."

Sandi said "Not until you're 21. As hot as you are and horny as I am, the fact that you're underage is a total dealbreaker."

Ultra said "But, I'm single now."

Visibly feeling sorry for him, Sandi said "You want Lauren back?"

Ultra nodded.

Sandi explained "You need to make her unpopular. If you're both unpopular then you can get back together."

"But how?" asked Ultra, "I don't know how to make a cheerleader unpopular."

Remembering her queen bee days, Sandi said "You could start a nasty rumor. That's how I usually took down my enemies when I was your age. Have you and Lauren ever sexted?"

"No," said Ultra, "We never did that because she didn't want other guys seeing the pics."

Sandi asked "Is there anything else? Some piece of information that would ruin her if it got out?"

Ultra said "Well, I did give her herpes after getting it from some slut. I can't use that without making me unpopular too."

Sandi said "You're already unpopular."

Ultra now smiled. He knows how to get Lauren back.

* * *

**Lawndale high, a few days later...**

Lauren was walking through the hallway on her way to class. She passed by a couple of good looking guys hanging out by the lockers. One of then looked at Lauren. Pointing at her he turned to his buddy and said something that made the other guy look at her with an expression that she could tell was disgust.

_Weird._

She entered a classroom and made her way to her seat. As she did she noticed several of the other popular girls turn away from her in disgust. Several of her classmates seemed to whisper among themselves. Lauren visibly wondered why they seemed to be treating her like she was a member of the anime club.

Later, after class let out, Lauren was making her way to her locker. No one seemed to be talking to her. She passed by some members of the school's mean girl squad. She was close enough to overhear what they were saying.

"OMG!" said one of the fashionistas, "That's her!"

The girls then maliciously giggled among themselves. Lauren continued on her way, now more than a little worried. She spotted the new quarterback, Travis, by his locker and walked up to him.

"Hey, Travis."

Travis took one look at her and instantly became nervous.

"Lauren!" he said, "What are you doing talking to me!?"

Lauren said "Duh, Travis, you're the new QB and I'm the head cheerleader."

Nervous, Travis said "Yeah, but...um...Igottago!"

He walked away from her in a VERY uncomfortable hurry.

_What the hell!?_ Lauren thought.

* * *

**The cafeteria...**

Lauren walked up to where the other cheerleaders were sitting. She was about to take her seat when one of the girls placed her purse on it.

"This seat's taken!"

Puzzled, Lauren said "But that's where I always sit, Tracy."

Tracy said "Look...I know you're the head cheerleader and all, but...well...um..."

As Tracy loses her nerve another cheerleader blurts out "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US ANYMORE!"

Offended, Lauren said "Excuse me! I'm your superior!"

Another cheerleader said "Not anymore, you're not!"

Lauren's best friend, a brunette named Beth, explained "Look, Lauren, it's not that we don't like you, but we can't hang out with you anymore."

Hurt, Lauren said "Beth, what the hell!?"

"Look," said Beth, "Why don't you sit over there?"

Beth pointed to a table where a bunch of scrawny, pimply geeks were playing Magic: The Gathering.

"Okay!" Lauren barked, "Enough of this crap. People have been avoiding me all day and I wanna know what the hell's going on...NOW!"

With a sigh, Beth said "Lauren, we know. The whole school knows."

Impatient, Lauren asked "Know what!?"

Beth sighed. "That you have herpes."

Lauren gasped in horror. She remembered how Ultra caught herpes from a slut he cheated on her with then gave it to her. She also knew what it meant now that everyone else knew: total freeze out. She also knew that a freeze out is a life sentence. She's unpopular, and powerless to do anything about it.

* * *

**Act III**

**Thompson house, afternoon...**

Lauren was angrily ringing the bell and pounding on the front door. Ultra immediately answered.

"Hey, bebe," he said with a goofy smile, "What's up?"

Enraged, Lauren said "What's up!? WHAT'S UP!? YOU F#$ BASTARD!"

She punched him so hard that he fell out of his cart. While Ultra lay helpless on the porch Lauren began to savagely pound on him.

"HOW COULD YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!? HOW COULD YOU!?"

Shielding his face with his good arm, Ultra said "BABE, LET ME EXPLAIN!"

Continuing her savage attack, Lauren shouted "YOU TOLD EVERYONE I HAVE HERPES! YOU LOWLIFE PIECE OF SHIT!"

Continuing to try and shiled himself, Ultra said "BUT, BABE..."

Too angry to listen, Lauren continued to mercilessly pound on him.

* * *

**Meanwhile, on the street...**

Quinn is driving her Cadillac and listening to the radio. The song is a hit from her high school days.

Quinn: (singing along to the radio) "It's a per-fect daaaaa-ay, nothing's standing in my way, it great new daaa-ay, where nothing can go wrong..."

She passes by the Thompson's house and is shaken out of her groove by the sight of Lauren giving Ultra a vicious beatdown.

"What the hell!?"

Concerned, Quinn instantly pulls her car to a screeching halt and gets out. She ran up to Lauren and pulled her off of Ultra.

"Lauren! What the hell are you doing!?"

With tears of rage streaming down her face, Lauren shouted "THE WHOLE SCHOOL KNOWS I HAVE HERPES! HE TOLD THEM ALL! IT HAD TO BE HIM!"

Lauren broke free from Quinn's grip and lunged at Ultra. Quinn immediately grabbed the cheerleader, forcefully turned her around and channeled her own inner Helen.

"LAUREN!" Quinn barked, "You have to calm down right now! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?"

Suddenly frightened beyond words, Lauren simply nodded.

"Here's what we're going to do," Quinn commanded with a forcefulness that would rival her mother, "First, you're going to calm down. Then, you're going to help me get Ultra back on his scooter. Then, we're all going into the house to talk about this like adults. GOT IT!"

Still stunned speechless, Lauren nodded.

* * *

**The Thompson's living room, a short time later...**

Quinn was seated in the middle of the sofa while Lauren was sitting to her right and Ultra was to the left in his cart. Greateful that no one else was home Quinn immediately spoke.

"Okay, now that everyone's had a chance to calm down would either of you like to tell me what's going on?"

Lauren said "Ultra told everyone I have herpes and now the whole school hates me."

Quinn asked "How do you know it was Ultra?"

"Who else could it be?" said Lauren, "The only people who knew were Ultra, you, your husband and my parents. It had to be Ultra because no one else would do something like that."

Turning to Ultra, Quinn asked "Is this true?"

Ultra just sat there looking nervous.

Unleashing her inner Helen once again, Quinn barked "Answer me, young man!"

With a sigh, Ultra admitted "It's true, Mrs. C."

Struggling to contain her rage, Lauren hissed "You bastard!"

After giving Lauren a stern look, Quinn asked Ultra "Why?"

Ultra explained "I just wanted Lauren back."

Ready to explode, Lauren shouted "LIKE THIS IS GONNA MAKE ME WANT YOU!"

"LAUREN!" Quinn barked. Turning her attention back to Ultra, she said "But she's right. What in the hell made you think you could get her back by totally ruining her life?"

Lauren immediately felt guilty.

"Actually, Mrs. Carbone," she said, "I did dump him because he wasn't the quarterback anymore. I didn't want to, I had to in order to keep my status."

Ultra said "Yeah, so, like, I figured if you weren't popular anymore then we could get back together."

Quinn thought _God, do I remember those days _as she said "Look, in a few years you guys are gonna realize how dumb the whole popularity game is. I know, believe me. I was so wrapped up in it that I even shunned my own sister."

Looking at Ultra, Lauren said "You wanted me back that badly!?"

Ultra nodded. "Like, I know it was a jerk move and all, but I didn't know what else to do. Miss Griffin...or is it Miss Carbone...or...um..."

Quinn thought _Dammit, Sandi!_ as she said "She was going by Carbone for a while, but went back to Griffin because she got tired of correcting everyone."

Ultra said "Whatever. Anyway, she, like, said that since Lauren dumped me for not being popular anymore the only way to get her back was to make her unpopular too."

Lauren now looked uncertain, which Quinn noticed.

"Lauren," she said, "You don't have to go back to him just because you're not popular anymore."

"But," said Lauren, "Now that everyone knows I have herpes no one else will want me."

Quinn said "Lauren, you're a senior. There's always college."

Lauren said "And when I tell a guy I have herpes I'll get dumped. No one wants to take the risk. It doesn't matter that I'm on suppressive medication, it doesn't matter that I'll always insist on using protection. The fact that I have an STD is a total dealbreaker."

In an attempt to make Lauren feel better, Quinn said "You know, for what it's worth, my cousin has herpes too."

Lauren looks questioningly at Quinn.

"Yeah, she actually ended up marrying the jerk who gave it to her because she thought no one else would want her. He treated her so horribly that she finally decided it wasn't worth it and divorced him."

Lauren asked "Did she find someone else?"

Quinn sighed as she realized Erin was a bad example.

"No. She's tried, but everytime she discloses the condition she never hears from the guy again. I'm sorry, but I don't know of any herpes story that doesn't end badly."

Almost in tears, Lauren said "So..._sniff_...that's it!? I...I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life."

Quinn clearly doesn't know what to say.

* * *

**Sandi's house, later...**

Quinn and Sandi are sitting in the living room having a discussion of the latest turn of events.

"Why'd you do it?" asked Quinn in a harsh tone. "Why'd you tell Ultra to do something that'd totally ruin Lauren's life?"

Defensive, Sandi said "I didn't tell Ultra to do anything. I merely explained that only the unpopular date the unpopular. The only way Ultra was going to get Lauren back was by making her unpopular too."

"Why?" asked Quinn, "Why do you still care about this stuff? I just spent my afternoon mediating a major lovers spat because of you."

Sandi hung her head and sighed.

"You don't understand, Quinn. I was on top of the world when we were in the Fashion Club. I had it all. Now, look at me. I'm nothing...NOTHING!"

Now feeling bad for her friend, Quinn said "Sandi, that's not true!"

"Yes, it is," said Sandi, "Your life's perfect. You were so popular in high school that even having a weirdo sister wasn't enough to ruin you. You turned into a brain and managed to become even more popular as a result. I lost all of my status after the Fashion Club ended. You went to a cool college in New York, I went to a community college just a half hour drive from here. You dated a football player while I dated a girl who cheated on me. Your second serious boyfriend turned out to be your soul mate while I suffered a string of bad relationships. You became a marketing consultant and then a YouTube star while I became a stripper and then a receptionist. You married a guy who's a great husband and passable father, I married a jerk who left me for jailbait. You have three great kids while my family pretends I don't even exist."

"Sandi," said Quinn, "We're your family."

Sandi said "You've been saying that for the past fifteen years."

"And I'll keep on saying it because it's true. Even if I wasn't married to your cousin I'd still consider you family. My kids call you Aunt Sandi, for crying out loud."

"Look," Sandi explained, "I was lonely, I felt bad for Ultra and...well..."

"What?" asked an impatient Quinn.

"I...just wanted to know if I've still got it. I'm 38 years old."

Quinn said "One, you're still very attractive. In fact, if I was into girls I'd be tempted to hook up with you. Two, what's that got to do with Ultra and Lauren?"

Embarrassed, Sandi said "When Ultra was over I wore one of my sexier outfits."

Quinn's eyes went wide. "Sandi!"

Sandi explained "I wasn't trying to get him in bed. I just wanted to know whether or not I could if I wanted."

Quinn asked "What brought all of this on!?"

Sandi confessed "Quinn, I've been feeling really down about myself lately. When we have our Booster Club meetings it takes a huge toll on me."

"Why?"

Sandi explained "Seeing how down Ultra was while you and everyone else were talking about Travis like he's the second coming of Justin Timberlake reminded me of just how far I've fallen. What happened to me and Kevin is now happening to Ultra. His best days are behind him."

Quinn said "Sandi, it's not like we're on our deathbeds. We aren't even middle aged yet. It's not like we're 50."

Sandi said "I haven't mentioned the worst thing about our meetings. Everytime I try to make a suggestion you shut me down and ignore me."

Defensive, Quinn said "I do not!"

Sandi said "Yes, you do. No one takes me seriously. Not since the Fashion Club broke up all those years ago. 'Poor, Sandi', 'What happened to her?', 'She peaked in high school'. Do you have any idea what it does to my self-esteem to be constantly reminded of that?"

"But," said Quinn, "Kevin peaked in high school too, and he doesn't seem to be bothered by it."

Sandi explained "That's because he's too dumb to notice. He can't even figure out that his wife is cheating on him even though you can tell just by LOOKING at Kevin Jr. who that boy's real father is. I don't have that luxury. I wish I could be clueless and happy, but I'm just too damn smart for that."

Quinn put a hand on Sandi's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I honestly didn't know you felt that way. Look, if you're ever feeling shut out just let me know. You still have me, Jim, Stacy, our kids, Lindy and everyone else. We won't ever abandon you, no matter what."

Touched by the sentiment, Sandi wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "You...you mean it?"

"Of course."

The two friends hugged.

"Thank you."

At this point, something occurred to Sandi.

"How're Ultra and Lauren?"

Quinn said "Unresolved, but I'm confident things will work out on their own."

* * *

**Lawndale High, the next day...**

Ultra was at his locker getting some books out. He closed it to find Lauren standing there.

"Ultra, can we talk?"

"Sure, babe."

Lauren said "Look, I've been thinking about what all happened."

Ultra said "I'm sorry I told everyone about the herpes."

Lauren said "I've had a chance to get over that. Truth is, other people would've found out eventually."

Curious and more than a little hopeful, Ultra asked "Sooooo?"

"Look," said Lauren, "The fact is that we're gonna graduate in a few months. I...well, I quit the cheerleading squad. I'm so upopular now there's now way I can be one of them. The only reason I dumped you was to keep my own status. Fat lotta good that did me."

"I'm sorry, babe."

"Don't be," said Lauren, "Truth is, unless I find another hot guy with herpes being with you is my only option. I...Well, I wanna get back together."

Ultra did a fist pump with his good arm.

"AWRIGHT!"

Lauren smiled. Despite everything, she still loved him.

* * *

**A dark alley, night...**

A frightened young woman with blonde hair is running for her life. Almost out of breath, she tripped over a piece of trash.

"Ah..._huh_...got..._huff_...to..._gasp_..."

As she struggled to get up a shadow loomed over her. The young woman looked up and screamed.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOO!"

Standing over her was a man in a cow costume. This costume concealed all of his features except for his eyes. His eyes looked wild. In his right hand the man held a blood soaked butcher knife. Looking at his latest victim, the man dubbed the Mad Cow Killer started laughing.

"Heh...heh...ha..ha...HA...HA...HA...HOO...HO...HEEHEEEHEEEHEEE..."

Weakly, the woman pleaded "P...please, d...don't...please..."

Standing in the moonlight, the Mad Cow Killer raised his butcher knife and continued to laugh.

"HA...HA...HA...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"

He brought the knife down and hacked the helpless woman to pieces with it.

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Who is the Mad Cow Killer? It's a Life After Thirty Halloween special. Come Oct. 31 be here if you dare.


	7. Mad Cow Killer, Pt I

**Warning:** This chapter and the next one contains slasher movie style violence. If you're sensitive about that sort of thing you may want to wait until November 7, when I resume posting more sitcom oriented fare. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! MYAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

**Opening**** Montage**

**Music:** "Psycho Man" by Black Sabbath

We first see a teenage couple making out in a convertable with the top down.

_The midnight hour approaches_

Now we see a man in a coa costume walk towards the car, wielding a butcher knife.

_The killing chill takes over him_

The couple continue to make out, oblivious to the danger.

_His victime will not know when he appears_

The Mad Cow Killer slowly approaches the car.

_The lust of deaths possession_

The teenagers stop making out.

_Will overtake his psycho mind_

They shrug and resume making out.

_He won't be happy 'til he smells their fear_

The Mad Cow Killer stands over them. We see the knife come down.

_He's the angel of deaaaathhhhh_

The girl screams as the knife plunges into her boyfriend's back.

_Psycho Man, Psycho Man_

Looking for a victim whereever he can

The terrified girl tries to escape but the Mad Cow Killer grabs her.

_Psycho Man, Psycho Man_

He stabs her multiple times with the knife.

_He's a killer_

He stands laughing over her mangled corpse. Next, we see a family taking an evening stroll when the man in the cow costume suddenly jumps out in front of them brandishing a machete.

_Addicted to the madness_

Cut to a shot of blood splattering on the sidewalk.

_The taste of death that lives within_

Next, we see the outside of a meat packing plant.

_He loves it when he tastes their final breath_

Cut to the slaughter house inside and we see a terrified man tied to a chair while the guy in the cow costume is trying to start a chainsaw.

_Stalking gives him pleasure_

Once the chainsaw's running the guy in the cow costume comes at his victim with it, laughing maniacally the whole time.

_Killing is the final act_

From there cut to a woman asleep in her bed. The bedroom window is open.

_He takes no pity with his lust for death_

She wakes up to see the psycho in the cow costume standing over her laughing while brandishing an ax.

_He's the angel of deaaaathhhh_

The cow man proceeds to chop her too pieces.

_Psycho Man, Psycho Man, looking for a victim wherever he can_

Finally, a dying man on a meat hook is being slowly sliced open by the psycho in the cow costume.

_Psycho Man, Psycho Man, he's a killer_

The screen turns blood red before fading to black. Once the screen's black, blood splat letters form. They read...

**"Mad Cow Killer, A Life After Thirty Halloween Special"**

**written by**

**MadWerewolfJJ**

**Act I**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Lawndale High, evening

On the front entrance is a banner that reads "Community Self-Confidence Workshop".

**Int. Shot:** The auditorium

On stage is a woman at a podium. This woman in glasses with her brown hair tied in a bun. The banner above her reads the same thing as the banner outside.

**Woman at podium:** ...Finally, I'd like to thank Principal Clare DeFoe for allowing us to host this community assembly here at Lawndale High.

Cut to the audience and we see a large gathering of people of all ages, shapes and sizes. We see that two of them are Quinn Carbone (nee Morgendorffer) and her friend/neighbor/cousin in law Sandi Griffin Carbone.

**Sandi:** Quinn, why are we here again?

**Quinn:** Because a lecture on self-confidence is just the thing to get you out of the depressed funk you've been since your divorce.

Cut to the stage.

**Woman at podium:** Now, to tell us more about how to overcome self-doubt I'd like to introduce our guest speaker. This man has overcome self-esteem issues to become one of the most successful men in America. Let's have a big round of applause for Chad Dyson, chairman and GEO of Dyson Beef Products.

The woman backs away as the whole crowd applaudes and Chad crosses the stage. Chad Dyson is a handsome man in his early forties with short, expertly styled brown hair, a neatly trimmed mustache and goatee and wearing a blue Armani business suit. Cut to the audience and we see that Sandi is visibly taken in by his looks.

**Sandi:** He is soooo handsome!

Cut back to the stage as the applause die down and Chad takes his place at the podium.

**Chad:** Thank you, all. Now, I know it's hard to believe that a man like me would struggle with self-confidence. After all, I was born into a wealthy family and destined to inherit one of the most successful meat and poultry conglomerates in the world. I know that sounds self-congradulatory. I mention it to demonstrate how low self-esteem can affect anyone, even someone seemingly born into a life of privilage. My great grandfather started Dyson Beef with nothing more than two cows and a killing hammer. By the time I'd come along Dyson Beef was a household name in both the US and Europe. I had a lot to live up to and my fear of not measuring up to the expectations set for me at an early age took a huge tool on my confidence. I've since overcome that to assume the reigns and lead our company into the tewnty-first century. I'm here to tell you how I managed to do that. Now, it all began with...

Cut to the audience where Quinn is engrossed in Chad's story while Sandi is visibly smitten with Chad himself.

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Int. Shot:** The cafeteria

The seminar is over and the guests are now in the cafeteria getting refreshments. Sandi loads her tray and seems puzzled.

**Sandi:** I don't remember the food being this good!?

**Chad:** (VO, off screen) That's because this event's catered. Try the steak kabobs, their excellent.

Sandi turns around and nearly gasps as she finds herself face to face with Chad Dyson himself.

**Sandi:** (thought VO) _He's even cuter up close._ (Out Loud) You're Chad Dyson!

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** Guilty as charged. I couldn't help but notice you in the audience. You don't strike me as someone who'd need a self-esteem boost.

**Sandi:** You would've been right twenty years ago. Let's just say my sense of self worth has taken a lot of hits since then. My ex husband didn't make it any easire.

**Chad:** You're divorced?

**Sandi:** (bitter) More like he ditched me for jailbait.

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** How anyone could cheat on a woman as lovely as you is completely beyond me.

Sandi blushed upon hearing that. Cut to Quinn at a table. She's signing an autograph for someone who recognized her.

**Fan:** Thanks.

Quinn smiled.

**Quinn:** No trouble at all. I'm never too busy to talk to a fan.

The fan leaves as Sandi approaches. She has a huge smile on her face.

**Sandi:** Quinn, you won't believe who I was next to in line. Chad Dyson.

Quinn's eyes go wide.

**Quinn:** Did you talk to him?

Sandi nodded with a level of excitement she hadn't displayed in a long time.

**Sandi:** He's amazing. We started talking and I felt an instant attraction to him. He asked me out on a date and I said yes.

Quinn smiles.

**Quinn:** Sandi, that's wonderful!

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Ext. Shot:** The parking lot at Lawndale High, later that same evening

A balding, middle aged man is making his way to his car. The parking lot is empty as he is the last one to leave after the seminar. As he approaches his vehicle the sound of someone walking can be heard. Cut to the man's POV and we see a shadow emerge. Cut back to third person. The man turns around.

**Man:** Who's there?

Cut to his POV and we see another person standing there. This person is wearing a cow costume complete with a fake cow head that completely conceals all of his features. This the stranger in the cow costume just stares at the man.

**Man:** You okay, pal? What's with the crazy getup?

The Mad Cow starts to laugh.

**Mad Cow Killer:** heh...heh...heeee...heeee...heeheeheeheeheehee...ohhhhh...ha...ha...

The Mad Cow Killer raises a baseball bat.

**Mad Cow Killer:** HE...HA...HA...HA...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Terrified, the man pulls a can of pepper spray out of his wallet and sprays it right in the Mad Cow Killer's eyes. Unfortunately, the Mad Cow Killer reacts as if nothing happened.

**Mad Cow Killer:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...AH...HA...HA...HA...HA...HEEEEEEEEHEEEEEEEE...OH, HAHAHAHAHA!

The Mad Cow Killer lunges at the man and beats him senseless with the bat.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, the following evening

The surrounding trees are in full fall colors while there are Halloween decorations on the house, letting us know that it's late October.

**Int. Shot:** The living room

Quinn and Jim are watching the evening news while Tommy and Timmy play with Stripe and Teddy reads a book. Cut to the TV and we see Stacy seated at the anchors desk.

**Stacy:** (from TV) Thank you. In other news the Mad Cow Killer, whose murder spree has terrorized the tri-state area in the last several months, has struck again. Last night he was in the suburban community of Lawndale, New Jersey, where he claimed another victim. The victim was kidnapped from Lawndale High after attending a community seminar there. We know the victim is dead because WSBC recieved a video of the murder this morning. We should warn you that what you are about to see is disturbing.

The TV cuts to footage of a warhouse. The man from the parking lot is tied to a chair and looks terrified. He also looks like he's already been beaten within an inch of his life. A person in a cow costume with a butcher knife walks up to the man.

**Man:** P...Please, don't hurt me!

The person in the cow costume says nothing but grabs the back of the man's head in one hand while holding a butcher knife in the other. The Mad Cow Killer tilts his victim's head back and prepares to cut him down with the butcher knife. Before we see the actual killing, however, the TV cuts back to the news studio.

**Stacy:** From there the video shows the killer slowly cutting his victim to pieces. Police have verified that the video is genuine and that the victim has disappeared.

Cut to the living room. The kids weren't paying attention but Jim and Quinn look horrified.

**Quinn:** My God!

**Jim:** I hope they fry that psychopath when they catch him.

A visibly uncomfortable Quinn turns off the TV.

**Quinn:** I was at that seminar! I...I don't even wanna think about how that could've been me...or Sandi!

Jim decides to change the subject.

**Jim:** Speaking of which, did she gain anything from that seminar?

Relieved to talk about something else, Quinn smiles.

**Quinn:** Did she ever. Right now she's on a date with the guest speaker, Chad Dyson.

Jim's eyes go wide.

**Jim:** Chad Dyson! As in the chairman, CEO and majority stockholder of Dyson Beef Products!?

Quinn nodded.

**Quinn:** After the seminar he decided to stay and mingle. He and Sandi hit it off.

Overhearing, Teddy looks up from his book.

**Teddy:** So, she's finally over her ex-husband?

**Quinn:** God, I hope so.

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Ext. Shot:** A fancy looking restaurant in Philadelphia

**Music:**

**Int. Shot:** The restaurant

Chad and Sandi are seated across the table from each other. Chad is wearing an Armani suit while Sandi is in a form fitting black evening dress.

**Chad:** So, you having fun?

Sandi smiled.

**Sandi:** You know I am. I can't believe you're still single.

**Chad:** I've been so preoccupied with my job that I've let my love life slide in recent years. I can't believe you're divorced.

Sandi sighed.

**Sandi:** Believe it. That's why I was at that seminar. My self esteem took a hit. I was growing convinced that I'm unlovable.

Chad smiled warmly.

**Chad:** You couldn't be more wrong. You're not a bad person, you've just had really bad luck.

**Sandi:** That's what my friends keep telling me.

**Chad:** Maybe because it's true. I've never met a woman as incredible as you.

**Sandi:** I guess with my history of troubled relationships it's hard not to have doubts. My life has been hard ever since I came out as bisexual.

Chad seems VERY interested in this detail.

**Chad:** You're bi?

Sandi eyes him with suspicion for the first time.

**Sandi:** Yes, I have been romantically involved and physically intimate with both men and women. Is that a problem?

Chad smiles reassuringly.

**Chad:** Not at all. My interest is born out of pure curiosity. I freely admit that I do find it a bit of a turn on that you're into both men and women. And before you say it no, I am not interested in having a threesome with you and another woman. I'm fully aware that bisexuals are just as capable of monogamy as someone who's only into one gender.

Sandi is visibly relieved. She looks into Chad's eyes and smiles.

**Sandi:** (thought VO) _I've never felt this at ease before. I feel like I can tell him anything._ (Out Loud) Thanks, I've had relationships where the other one was only interested because watching too much porn gave them the wrong idea. It means a lot to me that we've cleared that up early.

Chad stares deeply into Sandi's eyes.

**Chad:** Sandi, you're a wonderful woman. I'm definitely interested and nothing you've told me so far has caused my interest to wane. You truly are an amazing woman.

Sandi blushes.

**Ext. Shot:** Sandi's house, later that evening

We see a silver Bugatti Veyron pull into the driveway. Chad emerges from the driver's side while Sandi emerges from the passenger side. Chad escorts Sandi to the front door and she opens it. Next, we see her and Chad kiss. Close up of Sandi giving Chad an inviting stare. Taking the hint, Chad kisses her more passionately. Sandi drags him through the door. As chad closes the door behind him Sandi is already starting to peel his clothes off. Fast forward as we watch night turn into day.

**Int. Shot:** Sandi's bedroom

Sandi is sleeping in her bed. While the sheets cover up anything inappropriate it's not only obvious that Sandi's naked but that she and Chad spent a good chunk of the night having sex. She starts to wake up.

**Sandi:** mmmmm...Chad.

She rolls over only to discover that no one is in the bed with her. She immediately looks anxious.

**Sandi:** Chad?

Cut to a rear shot of Sandi getting out of bed and making her way to the walk in closet. She emerges in a white bath robe.

**Sandi:** (thought VO) _Did he leave after I fell asleep?_

Cut to Sandi's POV and we see a hand written note on the dresser. Cut back to third person and we see her pick up the note and read it.

**Sandi:** (thought VO) _Sandi, Sorry for leaving before you woke up. I didn't want to but I was awoken by my cell phone late at night. I had no choice but to leave in order to deal with an emergency at work. I look forward to seeing you again as I hope this is the beginning of something very special. Love, Chad. PS: Last night was the best sex I've ever had. You were so amazing I don't think I can ever be turned on by another woman again._

Smiling, Sandi pressed the note to her chest and let out a contented sigh.

**Sandi:** I'm in love!

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

Music:

**Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Quinn and Sandi are sitting at the table having tea and talking about Sandi's date with Chad.

**Sandi:** It went so well that when he dropped me off at home he kissed me. It was so perfect that I dragged him into my house. Let's just say he didn't leave until much later.

Quinn's eyes went wide.

**Quinn:** You slept with him on the first date!?

Sandi nodded and smiled.

**Sandi:** It just felt so right. I know you're more of a take it slow type but the chemistry was so perfect that we just went for it and I have no regrets.

Quinn looks doubtful.

**Quinn:** Don't get me wrong, Sandi. It's great that you and Chad click so well but isn't this going a little fast?

**Sandi:** Gee, Kuh-winn, you make it sound unseemly. Do I judge your sex life?

Quinn is pleased that Sandi seems to be on the upswing, but can't help being concerned.

**Quinn:** I'm not judging you, Sandi. It's just that you kind of tend to rush into relationships and it's caused you a lot of pain in the past.

Sandi now looks offended.

**Sandi:** Well, I'm sorry if first date sex offends your moral sensibilities.

**Quinn:** It doesn't. Sandi, I just don't want you to get hurt again.

**Sandi:** I appreciate the concern, Quinn, but this is different. I've never clicked so well with someone before in my life.

Quinn now looks very concerned.

**Quinn:** That's what you said about the last several people who ultimately broke your heart.

**Sandi:** Quinn, I have a boyfriend now who embodies everything I ever wanted in a significant other. Why can't you be happy for me?

**Quinn:** Because this falls into the same pattern as all of your previous relationships. You fall in love with someone without really knowing them and then end up having your heart handed to you in a million pieces.

Sandi refuses to listen.

**Sandi:** That's not going to happen this time, Quinn.

**Quinn:** Sandi, you've only been on one date with the guy. You can't possibly know if he's really as great as he seems. I'm not trying to ruin your budding relationship, I just don't want you to get hurt again.

Sandi stands up.

**Sandi:** I won't!

She angrily storms out of the house while Quinn looks worried.

**Quinn:** (thought VO) _I can't put my finger on it but something about Chad just creeps me out. He seems perfect, but something has to be off. I feel it in my gut._

* * *

**Scene 6**

**Ext. Shot:** The quarry, evening

A car is rocking violently.

**Int. Shot:** The car

A teenager and his girlfriend are making out passionately. Suddenly, they stop.

**Girl:** Did you hear that?

The guy suddenly looks out the window. Standing right there is a man in a cow costume brandishing a machete.

**Guy:** AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The mad cow killer smashes open the window, pulls the girl out and throws her on the ground. Cut to the guy watching in horror as his girlfriend's blood splatters all over.

**End Act I.**

* * *

**Act II**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening

**Int. Shot:** Master bedroom

Quinn and Jim are in bed getting ready to call it a night. Quinn continues to voice concerns about how fast things are going between Sandi and Chad.

**Quinn:** Jim, I'm really worried about Sandi. We don't know anything about this guy.

**Jim:** Quinn, he's a billionare who's been on the news. He seems like a decent guy.

**Quinn:** But we don't actually know him. How do we know there aren't any skeletons in his closet?

**Jim:** Isn't that Sandi's call? What's with you?

**Quinn:** Jim, we both know how Sandi's been hurt in the past. What if it happens again?

**Jim:** Then we'll be there for her, just like we've always been.

Quinn is not the least bit comforted by this.

**Quinn:** There's something about Chad, I don't know what it is but something about him feels almost dangerous. I just have a gut feeling that this is all wrong.

Jim tries to put his wife's mind at ease.

**Jim:** Quinn, you're just worried about Sandi's emotional well being, that's all. I mean, you have this strong maternal streak that makes you feel responsible for the people you care about. It's actually one of the things I love about you. If it helps we could meet with Chad. Remember that time we found out her then-boyfriend was gay and using her as a beard. Maybe if we get to know Chad we'll either find out if anything's off or if you're getting worried about nothing.

Quinn smiled.

**Quinn:** Jim, that's a great idea.

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Ext. Shot:** A house in Lawndale, night

**Int. Shot:** The master bedroom

A thirty-something man with auburn hair and his brunette wife are sleeping. Suddenly, there's a strange noise that wakes them both up.

**Wife:** Did you hear that!?

The man rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

**Man:** It's probably nothing. Go back to sleep.

The wife can't stop worrying.

**Wife:** What if it was something?

The man rolls his eyes.

**Man:** Fine, I'll go have a look.

He gets up and exits the bedroom. The man walks down the hallway. He opens one door and is visibly relieved by what he sees. Cut to his POV and we see a little girl who's clearly his daughter sleeping peacefully in her bed. Cut back to third person.

**Man:** (Thought VO) _Good, she's asleep._

He left the room, quietly closing the door as he did. Next, he opened another door. Cut to his POV and we see a boy who appears to be 4 or 5 sleeping peacefully in his bed. Cut back to third person and we see the man is visibly relieved. Satisfied that neither of his kids are in danger he quietly makes his way to the stairs. Once downstairs, the man looks around. Cut to his POV and we see that a window is open and letting a breeze into the house. A vase that had been on a table in front of the window is shattered on the floor. Cut back to third person.

**Man:** (Thought VO) _Damn kids must've left the window open and a gust of wind knocked over the vase. I'm just glad it's a back window. That fence is so high no one could've gotten in that way. Might as well clean the mess._

The man gets a dust pan and broom out of the pantry. He begins to clean the mess.

**Man:** (Thought VO) _I need to have a talk with those kids about not leaving shit open._

He doesn't notice a shadowy figure sneaking up behind him.

**Int. Shot:** The master bedroom.

The wife has started to fall back asleep when she hears the creaking of the bedroom door. She thinks nothing of it and resumes dozing as she hears someone approach.

**Wife:** (sleepy) E'vrythng awright?

She opens her eyes. Cut to her POV and we see the Mad Cow Killer standing right there with a blood soaked machete. Cut back to third person and we see her eyes shoot open as sheer terror grips her.

**Wife:** AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cut back to her POV and we see the Mad Cow Killer raise the machete above his head.

**Mad Cow Killer:** heh-heh-heh, ho-ho-ho, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA...

The machete comes down. Cut to third person and we see the wife roll out of the way just in time. Terrified she runs to the kids rooms. She frantically drags both of her children out of bed and carries them down the stairs, the Mad Cow Killer chasing her the whole time. Suddenly, she trips and falls. Cut to her POV and we see that it was the mangled corpse of her husband. Cut back to third person as she screams.

**Wife:** NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!

The children are even more horrified.

**Little girl:** DAAAADDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

**Little boy:** WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Suddenly, the Mad Cow Killer comes up right behind them. The wife sees him and screams.

**Wife:** AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

As his machete comes down we cut away from the actual murder. Blood splatters over the screen and it turns red before fading to black.

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, day

The house is a massive, palatial multi-story mansion. The immediate vicinity of the house is a sprawling, well maintained lawn with a tennis court and Olympic sized swimming pool. Behind this is large pastures with cattle grazing, a barn, stables, bull rings and in the distance is a slaughter house/meat packing plant. The estate is a fully functioning cattle ranch. Jim and Quinn walk up to the front door. An elderly, latina woman answers.

**Maid:** Yes.

**Jim:** We're here to meet Chad Dyson.

**Maid:** No, no, Chad busy.

**Quinn:** He's expecting us.

**Maid:** No, no, he busy.

Cut to later on at the tennis court. Jim and Quinn have convinced the maid to take them to see Chad. Chad is using a ball launching machine to practice his swing.

**Maid:** Senor Dyson, visitors.

Continuing to practice his swing, Chad acknowledges Quinn and Jim.

**Chad:** Thanks, Consuela. Quinn, Jim, I'm almost finished with my set. Once I've changed and showered we can talk. In the meantime, you can watch old sports footage in the living room.

This perks Jim's interest while Quinn is visibly unimpressed.

**Jim:** What kind of sports footage?

**Chad:** How about the 1984 Firecracker 400 at Daytona?

Jim practically salivates upon hearing this.

**Jim:** That was Richard Petty's 200th win! President Reagan himself was on hand to congratulate the winner.

Chad nodded.

**Chad:** Consuela, show our guests to the living room and put up my video of the 1984 Firecracker 400.

**Consuela:** Si, this way.

Jim is reeled in, hook, line and sinker but Quinn has other ideas.

**Quinn:** Actually, we can talk while you finish your set.

Consuela answers for Chad.

**Consuela:** No, no, you go now. Watch video.

Jim is visibly excited while Quinn is put off.

**Int. Shot:** Chad's living room

Quinn is anxious while Jim is entranced. Cut to the TV and we see the actual footage of Ronald Reagan congratulating Richard Petty in the press box at Daytona International Speedway.

**Reagan:** Yes, and I understand it was a great accomplishment. No one's ever done that before, won 200 races.

Cut back to Jim and Quinn as Chad enters the room.

**Chad:** I take it you like this.

**Jim:** Very much so, Mr. Dyson. Thank you.

Jim and Chad shake hands.

**Chad:** Please, Jim, call me Chad. By the way, I'm a huge fan of your channel.

Quinn loses her patience.

**Quinn:** Ahem! If you don't mind I'd like to talk about Sandi.

Chad and Jim sit down.

**Chad:** You know, Sandi's really lucky to have friends who are so concerned about her.

Jim is impressed by the compliment while Quinn is unswayed.

**Quinn:** She's family. Jim's her cousin.

Ignoring Quinn, Chad speaks to Jim.

**Chad:** Jim, I like Sandi. All I want is to make her happy. I'd never do anything to hurt her.

Jim is visibly charmed by Chad's politeness.

**Jim:** You seem like a decent guy and any boyfriend of my cousin's is a friend of mine.

Chad stands up.

**Chad:** Jim, can I show you something real quick?

Jim stood up and followed Chad to the window.

**Chad:** Check it out.

Cut to Jim's POV and we see a VERY fat cow grazing. Cut back to third person and we see a visibly impressed Jim and a grinning Chad.

**Chad:** Yeah, that's a little project the boys in Research and Development have been working of, the super cow. Genetically engineered to yield twice the meat as a normal cow.

Jim starts to look hungry.

**Jim:** You could eradicate world hunger with a cow like that.

Chad smiles.

**Chad:** That's the idea. I'm something of a philantropist. I plan on breeding enough of these things to ensure no person on this planet ever has to go hungry again. A lofty goal, I know, but no dream is too big and no problem too small. Say, Jim, have you ever been in a hot air baloon?

Jim's face lights up with excitement.

**Jim:** I've always wanted to do that!

Cut to Quinn. She appears to be simultaneously pissed off and worried. Not only is Chad clearly a master manipulater but he's reeled Jim completely in.

**Ext. Shot:** A private airstrip on the property

Chad and Quinn are talking while Chad hangs on to a ground tether. Cut to the other end of the tether and we see Jim in a hot air baloon. He's having the time of his life.

**Jim:** QUINN, YOU'VE GOTTA TRY THIS! I CAN SEE ALL OF LAWNDALE FROM HERE!

Cut back to the ground.

**Chad:** Quinn, I get it. You're worried about Sandi.

**Quinn:** And nothing here has reassured me.

Chad has a grin that looks...malicious.

**Chad:** You see, Quinn, I'm a man who plays by his own rules. Try to call your own plays and people may get hurt.

To make the point, Chad tugs on the cable.

**Jim:** (VO, off screen) AH! THAT WAS CLOSE, I ALMOST FELL OUT OF THERE!

Quinn gasps in horror while Chad grins triumphantly.

**Chad:** It'd be a shame if you forced me to make you a widow, wouldn't it? Do we understand each other, or does Jim have to go splat first?

Terrified, Quinn just nodded.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening

**Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Quinn, Jim, the boys and Sandi are having dinner at the kitchen table. The topic of discussion is Quinn and Jim's visit with Chad.

**Tommy:** Really!?

**Jim:** Yeah, he's really great. Definitely the type of guy I'd like to have hanging out with me and the guys.

**Timmy:** Aunt Sandi's boyfriend sounds really cool.

Sandi is beaming.

**Sandi:** Yes, he most certainly is.

Quinn and Teddy exchange worried looks.

**Teddy:** That's not the way Mom tells it.

**Quinn:** Jim, he threatened your life. When you were in the balloon he threatened to jerk the safety tether hard enough to make you fall out. When you lost your footing up there it was because he was jerking on the tether.

Jim doesn't believe her.

**Jim:** Try to see it from his point of view. He lost control because you kept distracting him.

**Sandi:** Yeah, Quinn. Chad wouldn't hurt someone just to make a point.

**Quinn:** Sandi, your boyfriend is a sociopath.

Only Teddy believes Quinn. Everyone else thinks she's overreacting.

**Jim:** Quinn, I was only in danger because you were distracting him.

Teddy weighs in.

**Teddy:** Based on what Mom told me and what everyone else thinks I believe that Chad Dyson is at the very least a sociopath. He has a highly manipulative personality and the only one who hasn't been seduced by his charms is Mom.

Teddy's brothers give him a strange look while Quinn is impressed with Teddy's insight and both Jim and Sandi are visibly unnerved by Teddy's genius intellect. Before the conversation can continue, however, the doorbell rings. The ringing sounds so urgent that they all rush to the door. Once open, Quinn freaks out.

**Quinn:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

There's a whole side of expertly cut beef wrapped up on the doorstep with a tag on it. They look up to see a delivery truck with the Dyson Beef logo on it drive off. Quinn's scream alerts the neighbors. Both Kevin and Brittany come running from their house next door. Kevin salivates when he sees the beef.

**Kevin:** Dude, that's a whole side of beef! Cool!

**Brittany:** Yeah, I bet it'll cook up real nice!

Jim looks at the tag that's attached.

**Jim:** It say's "To Quinn, from Chad". That was nice of him.

**Sandi:** (dreamy voice) He's soooooo generous!

While everyone else is impressed Quinn is absolutely terrified.

**Quinn:** Are you people out of your freaking minds!? That's not a gift, it's a threat!

Jim now worries that his wife is losing it.

**Jim:** Quinn, it's a side of beef and he's in the beef business. It's a gift. I think you owe Chad a thank you.

Sandi agrees.

**Sandi:** He's right, Quinn. This was incredibly nice of him.

The fact that no one believes her now makes Quinn angry.

**Quinn:** Here's what I think of his so-called 'gift'.

She prepares to kick the side of beef when Kevin objects.

**Kevin:** NOOOOO!

He immediately shields the beef with his body.

**Kevin:** You'll damage the brisket!

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Int. Shot:** A slaughterhouse in an undisclosed location, evening

A helpless man is tied by his wrists to a meat hook with duct tape over his mouth. He's naked (a censor block over his privates) and his ankles are tied together. The look on his eyes is pure terror. In front of him the Mad Cow Killer is at a table using a meat cleaver to chop up a human corpse. Close up of the mack and we see that his right eye is bulging out.

**Man:** ummmph! ummmmmmmmppppppphhhhhhhh!

The Mad Cow Killer puts down his cleaver and turns to face the man.

**Mad Cow Killer:** Heh heh heh...hee hee hee...ha ha ha...

His laugh sounds disturbingly familiar. He picks up a chainsaw and starts it up.

**Man:** nmmmmmph! nmmmph!

The Mad Cow Killer approaches with the chainsaw. As he continues to laugh his right eye bulges through the eye slit in the cow costume.

**Mad Cow Killer:** ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AH HA HA HA HA HA!

**Victim:** nnnmmmmphhh!

The Mad Cow Killer raises the chainsaw. As he's about to saw his victim apart we cut to a shot of the wall.

**Victim:** (VO, offscreen) NMMMMMMPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Blood splatters on the wall. A second blood splatter turns everything red as we fade to the next scene.

* * *

**Scene 6**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, day

**Int. Shot:** The living room

Sandi and Chad are sitting and talking.

**Sandi:** That gift you left last night was really thoughtful.

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** I just wanted Quinn to like me. All your other friends do.

Sandi seighed.

**Sandi:** I can't really blame her for being worried. I don't have the best track record for making good decisions in relationships.

Chad puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

**Chad:** Have you considered that maybe she's jealous?

**Sandi:** The thought has crossed my mind. I mean, Jim's a great guy but he's not rich and powerful like you. You're the whole package.

Chad smiles.

**Chad:** Thank you, but that's not really the truth. Most of my wealth, even my job, is inherited.

**Sandi:** You're still the most wonderful man I've ever known.

**Chad:** I always felt incomplete...until I met you. Sandi, you are the woman I've been searching for my whole life. You complete me. That...That's why I love you.

Sandi gasps.

**Sandi:** You...You love me!?

**Chad:** Yes. I know we've only been together a short time but there's something about you that no other woman on this earth has. I need you. All I want is for us to be together and you to be happy.

Sandi doesn't hesitate as he's just told her everything she ever wanted to hear from a man who's rich and handsome.

**Sandi:** I love you too.

With that, they kiss passionately.

**End Act II.**

* * *

**Act III**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, morning

**Int. Shot:** The master bedroom

Chad and Sandi are asleep in Chad's bed. While the sheets prevent us from seeing anything R-rated we can tell that they are both naked. Chad wakes up, turns over and stares at Sandi. Sandi starts to wake up.

**Chad:** Good morning, beautiful.

Sandi smiles.

**Sandi:** Morning, lover.

**Chad:** Sandi, I was hoping if you'd like to spend today horseback riding with me.

Sandi frowns.

**Sandi:** I've never ridden a horse before in my life.

Chad dismisses her concern.

**Chad: **I'll teach you. It's never too late to learn.

Sandi now smiles.

**Sandi:** Okay. In fact, it sounds very romantic. It's a date!

Smiling, Chad gets out of bed but we only see his rear. He makes his way to the bathroom.

**Chad:** I'm taking a shower.

Sandi smiles lustfully.

**Sandi:** Would you like some company?

Chad grins.

**Chad:** Of course.

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Music:** "Is It Love" by Survivor

We see Sandi and Chad ride on horseback around the property. Chad is holding the reign of Sandi's horse. Cut to a close up of them smiling at each other. Next, we see Chad expertly control his horse while Sandi watches intently. After this, Sandi tries and nearly falls off but Chad catches her. Cut to another shot as a now unassisted Sandi rides her horse slowly. She soon becomes more confident and begins to ride faster. Next is a shot of them riding into the woods. We next see a shot of them laughing as they ride side by side. Later, we see the horses tethered to a tree while Chad and Sandi have a picnic lunch. They kiss. Next, we see them on horseback again. They ride across a shallow stream. Cut to a shot of them riding across a meadow as the sun is beginning to set. The next shot shows that it's nearly dark as they ride their horses back into the stables. By the time the horses are put up and the two emerges it's dark out. Chad points to the sky. Cut to Sandi's POV and we see the kind of starry night one can only see out in the country. Cut back to third person and we see that Sandi is visibly awestruck by the beauty of it all. Next, a shot of them having dinner on the patio by candlelight. Final shot is Sandi and Chad in bed. They bask in the afterglow as they fall asleep in each others arms.

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Int. Shot:** Chad's bedroom

Sandi wakes up in the middle of the night to discover that Chad isn't there.

**Sandi:** Chad?

**Int. Shot:** Hallway

Wearing a bathrobe, Sandi wanders the hallway.

**Sandi:** Chad? Chad, where are you?

Sandi doesn't notice someone coming up right behind her. Cut to the POV of the person sneaking up on Sandi. This person inches ever closer.

**Sandi:** (nervous) C...Chad?

The person sneaking up behind taps Sandi on the shoulder.

**Sandi:** AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cut back to third person as Sandi jumps and turns around. The person sneaking up on her was Consuela.

**Consuela:** Chad no here.

Sandi breathed a huge sigh of relief as she regained her composure.

**Sandi:** Consuela! Thank God! Have you seen Chad?

**Consuela:** No, no, Senor Dyson no here.

**Sandi:** Do you know where he is?

Consuela nodded.

**Consuela:** He in study.

**Sandi:** Which room is that?

**Consuela:** No, no, he busy. No disturb.

**Sandi:** But...

**Consuela:** No, no, you no disturb.

**Sandi:** But...

**Consuela:** No, no, go back to bed.

Sandi is visibly put off by this.

**Sandi:** Excuse me!? I'm a guest and you're just the maid. I want to see Chad.

**Consuela:** No, no, no see.

**Sandi:** Do I have to call immigration and have you deported?

Consuela remains impassive as usual.

**Consuela:** No, no, I stay.

**Sandi:** Then take me to the study.

**Consuela:** No, no, you go back to sleep.

Sandi loses her patience.

**Sandi:** I most certainly will NOT unless I see Chad first.

Consuela gently pushes Sandi back towards the bedroom.

**Consuela:** No, no, you sleep now.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Sandi gives up and returns to the bedroom.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

**Int. Shot:** The living room

Quinn and Sandi are talking about the night before. Quinn's suspicions grow after having heard the story.

**Quinn:** (suspicious tone) So, he doesn't want you in his study.

Sandi is instantly dismissive.

**Sandi:** God, Quinn, what is your deal?

**Quinn:** Sandi, he's obviously hiding something in there.

**Sandi:** Chad told me he likes to be alone when he works in there. So what?

**Quinn:** This doesn't make you the least bit suspicious?

Sandi rolls her eyes.

**Sandi:** Do you like to be disturbed while working?

Quinn gets defensive.

**Quinn:** You know I don't. Look, why would a guy who let's you stay overnight, romances you constantly and claims he's in love you not want you in his study?

Sandi turns the tables on Quinn.

**Sandi:** Like you don't keep secrets from Jim.

**Quinn:** No, I don't. Jim and I know everything about each other.

**Sandi:** You didn't tell him about the time you had a one night stand with Jane's brother until Trent let it slip in front of him.

**Quinn:** That's stretching. First of all, that happened before I even met Jim. Second, hooking up with Trent was a drunken mistake that I like to pretend never happened.

Sandi refuses to let up.

**Sandi:** How come Jim didn't tell you that you took his virginity until 13 years later?

Quinn grows frustrated.

**Quinn:** Dammit, Sandi, this is different. All Jim did was not mention something in his past. Chad, on the other hand, is hiding something in his present.

Sandi becomes angry.

**Sandi:** Dammit, Kuh-winn, why can't you be happy for me?

**Quinn:** Because Chad's bad news, that's why.

**Sandi:** Why do you wanna hurt me like this?

Quinn gives Sandi a deeply concerned look.

**Quinn:** Sandi, I don't wanna hurt you. I'm just afraid Chad might hurt you. He threatened to kill Jim.

**Sandi:** That thing with the hot air balloon was an accident.

**Quinn:** He dumped half of a dead cow on my front door.

**Sandi:** It was a gift, Quinn. Chad runs one of the largest beef conglomerates in the world.

**Quinn:** Sandi, it was a threat. Chad's a psycho.

Sandi stood up.

**Sandi:** How dare you!

She turns around and makes her way toward the door. She opens it. As she starts to walk out she faces Quinn one last time.

**Sandi:** (angry) Have a nice life, you judgmental bitch!

She walks out, angrily slamming the door behind her as she does. Quinn frowns.

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, day

**Int. Shot:** Living room

Sandi and Chad are sitting on the couch and talking. A visibly upset Sandi has just told him about her more recent conversation with Quinn.

**Sandi:** I never thought she could be this cruel!

**Chad:** Sandi, I know she's your friend, but we both have to face facts. Quinn's jealous. She probably spent years making herself feel better about her life by comparing it to yours. Now that your life is on the upswing she can't do that anymore.

Sandi believes him.

**Sandi:** God, that makes so much sense! Why didn't I see it before?

**Chad:** Because you see her as a friend. It's a lot more noticeable to someone who's just meeting her.

**Sandi:** I wish she could just be happy for me.

Chad looks sad.

**Chad:** I wish that too. I've tried to be nice to her. I even gave her an expensive side of beef in an effort to show her that I'm not a bad person. If you want, I can go see her. Maybe explain how her not liking me places you in an awkward position.

Sandi shook her head.

**Sandi:** She won't listen. She's convinced herself that you're some kind of monster. She's acting...well...um...

**Chad:** Crazy?

Sandi nodded.

**Sandi:** Yeah. I guess Quinn and I need to have a talk. In fact, maybe I should go home and think about what to say.

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** Sandi, you are home.

Sandi gasped. Chad faced her and looked into her eyes.

**Chad:** Do you love me?

**Sandi:** Yes. You don't even have to ask.

Chad shrugged.

**Chad:** I know, but I like to hear you say it.

**Sandi:** Chad, I love you.

**Chad:** And I love you. That's why I want you to move in with me.

Sandi appears to think it over for a second. Finally...

**Sandi:** Yes. Yes, Chad, I will move in with you.

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** You make me feel like the luckiest man on earth, Sandi.

With that, they kiss passionately.

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate

Pan over from the mansion to the slaughterhouse.

**Int. Shot:** The slaughterhouse

Zoom in on a walk in freezer. Cut to inside and we see sides of beef hanging on meat hooks. Pan over to the most remote corner and we see, hidden among the sides of beef, eviscerated human corpses.

**End part I**

* * *

For part two, all hell breaks loose.


	8. Mad Cow Killer, Pt II

**Part II**

**Act I**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

Chad is at the front door ringing the bell.

**Int. Shot:** The living room

Quinn walks up to the door. She looks through the peep hole and gasps.

**Int. Shot:** The master bedroom, a few seconds later

Quinn is turning a key to unlock a safe. Inside, we see Jim's Beretta 92 handgun. Quinn takes the gun out of the safe and puts a full clip in. She chambers a round before tucking the gun in her belt and making her way back to the door.

**Ext. Shot:** The front door

Chad is standing there when Quinn opens the door, keeping the chain latch in place.

**Quinn:** What are YOU doing here?

Chad seems unfazed by the hostile tone.

**Chad:** Quinn, may I come in?

**Quinn:** You most certainly may not!

Chad shrugged.

**Chad:** That's okay. We can talk here. Quinn, (his voice takes on a menacing tone) remember the balloon?

**Quinn:** Are you threatening me?

**Chad:** Of course not. I just wanted to talk. Look, I love Sandi, she loves me and so does everyone else.

Quinn's eyes narrowed.

**Quinn:** You may have everyone else thinking you're the greatest guy on the planet but you don't fool me for a second.

Chad smiles.

**Chad:** Careful, Quinn. People might think you're paranoid.

**Quinn:** Chad, before you say or do anything else let me warn you that I have my husband's gun on me, cocked and fully loaded.

Chad grinned maliciously.

**Chad:** You know, Quinn, threatening me with a weapon is a good way to convince people that you're crazy.

**Quinn:** One of us is, but it's definitely not me.

Chad pretends to be hurt.

**Chad:** Look, you don't like me. I came here for Sandi's sake since you're her friend and your husband's her cousin. Don't you think this makes things awkward?

**Quinn:** You're the one who threatened to drop Jim from a hot air balloon and I know that side of beef was actually a threat.

Chad smiles.

**Chad:** Have it your way. At least I tried.

He turns around and walks away. Quinn breathes a HUGE sigh of relief.

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening

**Jim:** (VO, from house) ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FREAKING MIND!?

**Int. Shot:** Master bedroom

Quinn and Jim are arguing. She's just told him about Chad's visit that day.

**Quinn:** Jim, I'm telling you Chad's a total psycho!

**Jim:** So you threatened him with my gun!?

Quinn is visibly frustrated that no one seems to believe her.

**Quinn:** Jim, he threatened your life!

Jim rolls his eyes.

**Jim:** Quinn, the balloon thing was an accident.

**Quinn:** He asked me if I'd behave myself or if you had to go splat first!

Jim now visibly doubts his wife's sanity.

**Jim:** Quinn, I think it's time you took a vacation. I think work and the kids have you so stressed out that you're becoming delusional.

**Quinn:** Why doesn't anyone believe me!?

**Jim:** Because you're acting crazy. Look, maybe you just need some time off. A chance to unwind.

Quinn throws up her arms in frustration.

**Quinn:** UGH...FINE! I'll drop it. No point in warning you if you're just gonna accuse me of going postal.

Quinn went into the closet and got out sheets and a pillow. She angrily made her way towards the upstairs hallway.

**Jim:** Quinn, where are you going?

**Quinn:** I don't want you to sleep with one eye open, so I'll take the couch tonight.

With that she left. Once she's gone Jim sighs.

**Jim:** (sarcastic) Nice job, Jim.

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, morning

**Int. Shot:** Master bedroom

Sandi wakes up. She notices red stains on her pillow.

**Sandi:** What the hell!?

Pan out to reveal that Sandi's hair is now blood red. She makes her way to a mirror. Seeing this horrifies her to no end.

**Sandi:** AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cut to the doorway as a fully dressed Chad enters. He's carrying a tray with breakfast on it.

**Chad:** Ah, good, you're up!

Sandi gets right in Chad's face.

**Sandi:** WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR!?

**Chad:** I wanted to see how you'd look as a redhead, so I had someone dye it while you slept.

Sandi is now royally pissed.

**Sandi:** But I liked being a brunette!

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** No problem! I can just shave it off and wait for your natural hair to grow back.

Sandi gasped in horror.

**Sandi:** (Thought VO) _That's even worse than being an unnatural redhead!_ (out loud) Okay, fine. I'll stay a redhead.

**Chad:** Wonderful!

As Chad sets the tray down on the bed Sandi angrily makes her way to the closet. Cut to her POV and we see that all of her clothes have been replaced with black leather catsuits. Cut back to third person.

**Sandi:** WHAT THE F#$% IS THIS!?

**Chad:** Come on, Sandi. You have an incredibly sexy body. You need to show it off more.

Sandi turns toward Chad and eyes him with a mixture of anger and curiosity.

**Sandi:** Where are my other clothes?

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** In the rose garden. Shredded cotton and silk make a hell of a good mulch.

**Sandi:** But I need variety. All of these catsuits are the same.

Chad walked over to the closet and examined one of the leather catsuits up close.

**Chad:** No, not exactly. Each one has a different flaw in the stitching someplace. (his tone grows hostile) I hate imperfection. It makes me...(his eyes narrow)...mad.

Sandi is now visibly nervous. Chad puts the catsuit back in the closet and shows Sandi the tray he brought in.

**Chad:** Here, I made you breakfast.

He gets right in her face and appears enraged.

**Chad:** FINISH IT ALL!

Sandi is now VERY frightened.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** Ruttheimer House, day

**Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Quinn and Stacy are drinking tea and catching up. Quinn has just told her about her suspicions. Stacy reacts as expected.

**Stacy:** Chad Dyson, a psycho! Quinn, are you feeling alright?

Quinn is visibly frustrated that even Stacy, an experienced investigative journalist, isn't taking her seriously.

**Quinn:** Great, you think I'm crazy too.

**Stacy:** Quinn, Chad's a billionare philanthropist. I've interviewed him dozens of times over the years. I think I would've picked up on something.

Quinn's voice takes on an accusing tone.

**Quinn:** So you DO think I'm losing it!

Stacy tries to reassure her best friend.

**Stacy:** No, Quinn. I just think you've grown really protective of Sandi over the years. You always had this strong mama bear complex when it comes to the people you care about. I think you're just worried. It makes sense, given Sandi's history.

Quinn calms down and looks thoughtful for a second. Finally...

**Quinn:** So, you think I'm just over reacting. What about the incident with the hot air balloon?

**Stacy:** Given what I know about Chad, he most likely meant that threat as a joke. I have noticed that he has a weird sense of humor. Maybe he just didn't think you'd take him seriously.

Quinn sighed and immediately changes the subject.

**Quinn:** Let's talk about something else. How's work?

**Stacy:** The station got another tape from the Mad Cow Killer yesterday.

Quinn eyes Stacy with curiosity.

**Quinn:** And?

Stacy shakes a little.

**Stacy:** Mad Cow's eating a little boy alive while a screaming girl watches.

Quinn gasped.

**Quinn:** My God!

**Stacy:** That's why the station's not gonna air it. The video's so graphic that there's no way we can make it appropriate for prime time.

Something occurs to Quinn.

**Quinn:** You know, Chad's in the beef business.

Stacy raises an eyebrow.

**Stacy:** Quinn, are you saying what I think you're saying?

**Quinn:** I know it sounds crazy, but what if Chad is the Mad Cow Killer?

**Stacy:** Come on, Quinn. Even if everything else you said about him is true you can't seriously believe that he's secretly a homicidal maniac.

Quinn decides to drop it.

**Quinn:** Just a thought. Truth is that while I think Chad's psycho I don't think he's THAT psycho.

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, night

**Int. Shot:** Upstairs Hallway

Sandi is wondering the hallway. She appears deep in thought.

**Sandi:** (thought VO) _I wonder if Chad's working again. He came to bed with me but now he's gone. Maybe I'm being silly, but with everything else that happened today I'm starting to have doubts._

She comes to a door at the end of the hall. It's slightly open.

**Sandi:** C..Chad?

Seized by curiosity, Sandi enters the room. She gasps in terror when she sees what's inside. The walls are decorated with the stuffed and mounted heads of...people. The faces are frozen in expressions of pure terror. There's real human skin draped over the furnature as well. Nervous and disgusted, Sandi makes her way to a desk in the center of the room. She doesn't notice a shadowy figure sneaking up behind her. Cut to Sandi's POV and we see her look at the photos on the desk. They're pictures of the Mad Cow Killer butchering his victims. Cut to third person as Sandi gasps in horror.

**Sandi:** Oh...my...God...

The Mad Cow Killer is standing right behind her. As she starts to turn around he takes a porcelin vace and smashes it over her head, knocking her out.

**End Act I**

* * *

**Act II**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Slaughterhouse, night

**Int. Shot:** The slaughterhouse

Tied to a chair, Sandi regains consciousness. In front of her is the Mad Cow Killer. He's at a table dissecting a little girl who couldn't be any older than 8 or 9. The terrified expression on her dead face makes it clear that she was still alive when the Mad Cow Killer started cutting her open. The costumed psychopath uses a butcher knife to remove one of his victims lungs. Upon seeing this, Sandi has just one reaction.

**Sandi:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Her scream causes the Mad Cow Killer to look at her. He quickly approaches Sandi. She's about to scream again when he speaks.

**Mad Cow Killer:** It's alright, Sandi! You're safe!

Sandi froze as she instantly recognized his voice. He takes off his mask. It's Chad.

**Chad:** See, it's me!

**Sandi:** Chad!? You're the Mad Cow Killer!?

**Chad:** Yes, isn't it wonderful? Now, we know everything about each other.

Sandi is now too freaked out to even speak.

**Chad:** You see, I was always lonely. As a child none of the other children would play with me and my parents never paid any attention to me. Then I started to hear the voices. They kept me safe. I was loved by them. Then they started asking me to kill for them. I didn't want to lose my only friends so I did what the voices in my head told me to do. When I saw you at the seminar that day they told me we were meant to be. I've pursued you because the voices told me to and they've never steered me wrong.

Tears streak down Sandi's face.

**Sandi:** I...I thought you loved me!

Chad kneels before her and pleads.

**Chad:** I DO love you, that's why the voices decreed we should be together. You're all I need. It's our destiny to be together, to kill together, to have children and raise them to kill for the voices as well. I need you.

**Sandi:** YOU NEED HELP! YOU'RE CRAZY!

Chad's voice takes on an ominous tone.

**Chad:** Sandi, you're not thinking clearly. Now that you know you can never leave me. After all, I can't have you telling the authorities about me. Don't you love me.

**Sandi:** I loved who you seemed to be, not this.

**Chad:** Sandi, I don't want to kill you but I can't let you leave...EVER!

Chad holds the blood soaked knife to Sandi's throat.

**Chad:** Do you want to die, slowly and in agony?

Terrified, Sandi shook her head.

**Chad:** Then stay with me and help me kill.

Too frightened to speak and knowing she has no choice, Sandi nods in agreement. Chad walks over to the dead girl and cuts her heart out with his knife. He squeezes the blood into a wine goblet. He walks back to Sandi with the goblet full of the little girls blood and holds it to her lips.

**Chad:** A drink to our new life together. DRINK IT ALL!

Sandi keeps her lips shut in a mixture of terror and disgust.

**Chad:** DRINK IT!

` He holds the knife to Sandi's throat.

**Chad:** DRINK IT NOW!

Frightened, Sandi opens her mouth and allows Chad to pour the blood down her throat. He smiles as he force feeds her a little girl's blood.

**Chad:** HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

Sandi silently cries as Chad forces her to drink a little girls blood.

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, day

Quinn and Jim are at the front door. Quinn is angrily ringing the bell. Jim rolls his eyes.

**Jim:** Quinn, is this really necessary?

**Quinn:** Dammit, Jim, yesterday and bunch of trucks showed up at Sandi's house and took all of her stuff and she's not answering her cell. You can't seriously tell me you aren't worried?

**Jim:** Quinn, I'm a little worried but not the least bit surprised. We both know how Sandi likes to rush into things. I'm actually more surprised by your stories about what she was like in high school. The Sandi I know is nothing like the alpha bitch you described.

**Quinn:** That was before she lost her status, got disowned by her parents and endured the marriage from hell. How could anyone not be a wreck after suffering all that?

Jim sighed. He had to admit that his wife had a point.

**Jim:** In any event, if Sandi's fine will you finally let this go?

As Quinn nods the door is answered by Consuela.

**Consuela:** Si?

**Quinn:** Is our friend Sandi here?

**Consuela:** No, no, Mrs. Dyson no here.

Jim raised an eyebrow.

**Jim:** Did she change her last name AGAIN? Last I heard she'd gone back to Griffin.

**Consuela:** No, no, she marry Mr. Dyson.

Both Quinn and Jim's jaws drop.

**Quinn:** Can we see them!? (her voice takes on a Helen like quality) I need to have a BIG talk with Sandi.

**Consuela:** No, no, they busy.

Quinn is undeterred.

**Quinn:** It's important.

**Consuela:** No, no, you no see.

Quinn elbowed Jim.

**Jim:** But Quinn...

Quinn shoots her husband a withering gaze. Jim sighs and gets his wallet out of his pocket.

**Jim: **(thought VO)_ I can't believe I'm doing this._

He pulls five hundred dollar bills out and holds them in front of Consuela.

**Jim: **Five hundred bucks. Take us to them and it's yours.

**Consuela:** They is slaughterhouse overseeing production. (she motions for them to follow her) This way.

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Ext. Shot:** The slaughterhouse

**Int. Shot:** The slaughterhouse

Consuela is leading Jim and Quinn along a catwalk as the fully functioning meat factory operates all around them. Jim is less than thrilled.

**Jim:** I can't believe you made me bribe the maid, Quinn. This better be worth it.

**Quinn:** I'll make it up to you Jim.

**Jim:** How?

Quinn smiled suggestively.

**Quinn:** Next time we have sex I'll let you put it...(her voice takes on a sultry tone)...anywhere.

Jim visibly stops missing the money. At this point, something catches Quinn's attention. Cut to her POV and we see a row of live cattle on a conveyor belt. The cows are wheeled under an electric conductor that zaps them unconscious. After this, the unconscious cattle are wheeled under a metal spike that's timed to come down and pierce the back of their necks and the base of the skulls, resulting in instant death. After this, a massive saw blade neatly cleaves them in two. The dead cows are then dropped in carts and wheeled off to tables where human butchers finish skinning and prepping them for their final destination, delis and supermarkets all over the civilized world. Cut back to third person to see a visibly horrified Quinn.

**Quinn:** My...GOD! That's so cruel.

**Jim:** Come on, Quinn. You didn't really think they just sat around waiting for the cows to die of natural causes, did you?

**Chad:** (VO, offscreen) Your husband's right, Mrs. Carbone. Hunger doesn't wait.

Both Chad and Sandi come into view. Sandi is wearing a black leather cat suit that draws lots of attention to her curves. The outfit even includes a black choker that looks like a shock collar. She looks haunted.

**Quinn:** Sandi!

Sandi barely looks up.

**Sandi:** Hey, Quinn.

Quinn notices that Sandi isn't herself.

**Quinn:** Are you alright, Sandi?

Sandi doesn't even look at Quinn as she speaks in a tone that's completely devoid of emotion.

**Sandi:** Yes.

Meanwhile, Chad and Jim are talking.

**Chad:** Yeah, slaughtering livestock on an industrial scale does take some getting used to.

**Jim:** Yeah, my wife just has a soft spot for animals. Seeing this freaked her out. I'm not bothered. After all, I like to hunt and fish so while I've never seen it done on a mass scale before I do have some experience killing and butchering animals.

Jim snickers as a funny memory surfaces.

**Jim:** Did I ever tell you about the time I went on a hunting trip and my idiot neighbor accidentally shot a bald eagle.*

* It happened in "Quinn, Season 5". The episode is titled "Hunters and Lingerie".

Cut back to Quinn and Sandi.

**Quinn:** What's with the S and M getup, Sandi.

**Sandi:** Chad likes it.

Quinn notices the collar.

**Quinn:** Why are you wearing a shock collar? You know that's only for rehabilitating problem dogs.

Sandi looks very nervous.

**Sandi:** It...It's not real. It's just an accessory.

Quinn clearly doesn't believe her.

**Quinn:** Sandi, if you're here against your will say so. My Mom's a retired lawyer, I can get you out of this and have Chad charged with kidnapping.

Chad overheard this. He walks right up to them.

**Chad:** Now, Quinn, why would I do that? Sandi's staying with me because she loves me. Isn't that right, Sandi?

Sandi just nods as she shakes like a leaf. Then, Chad turns menacing.

**Chad:** I think it's time for you and Jim to go.

Jim notices the hostile tone in Chad's voice.

**Jim:** My wife didn't mean to insult you, Chad.

Chad turns all sweetness and light.

**Chad:** Oh, no, Jim. It's just that we're really busy. I didn't mean to sound hostile just now, but I have a lot of work to do. By the way...( he hands Jim a thousand dollars)...I know you probably had to bribe Consuela so here.

Jim takes the money, conveniently neglecting to mention that it's double what he gave Consuela.

**Jim:** Thanks. Come on, Quinn. Let's go.

**Quinn:** But...

**Jim:** Look, Chad and Sandi are busy.

Quinn decides not to press the issue. Once she and Jim are gone, Chad pulls a small remote control out of his pocket. He presses a button.

**Sandi:** AIEEEEEEEEEE!

After the zap from the shock collar she looks questioningly at Chad.

**Chad:** Just a friendly reminder of what happens if you rat on me.

Sandi looks at him with pure terror.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, evening

**Int. Shot:** Chad's study

Chad is at his desk admiring his handiwork while Sandi sits on a couch made of human skin. She can't run both because of the shock collar and the fact that her left ankle is chained to the couch. Chad looks at her.

**Chad:** I'm not a monster, Sandi. I'm just doing what the voices tell me to.

**Sandi:** You're sick in the head.

Chad whips out the remote and zaps her.

**Sandi:** AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Chad stops zapping her.

**Chad:** I'm sorry, my love. I had no choice. By the way, the voices like the cat suit and your new red hair.

**Sandi:** You murder people and turned me into your plaything just because voices in your head told you to.

**Chad:** The voices show me the real world. My eyes have been open. Mass slaughter is a beautiful thing in it's own way.

**Sandi:** You're insane.

**Chad:** No, I'm perfectly rational. Don't you see, we're making a brave new world together.

He walks over to Sandi.

**Chad:** I know this is weird, but in time you'll understand. You'll understand the orgasmic pleasure to be had in torn flesh, broken bones and screams of agonizing pain. It's a symphony.

He looks at Sandi with hungry eyes.

**Chad:** And you, my love, are so...(he licks her face)...tasty.

Sandi shivers with dread as she knows what's coming. Chad unzips his pants.

**Chad:** I'm going to f$%& you, NOW!

Sandi closes her eyes and accepts her fate.

* * *

**Scene 5**

**Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

**Int. Shot:** The home office

Jim is going through the mail while Quinn pays some bills. Jim notices a letter. He opens it. What he reads makes him smile.

**Jim:** Quinn, Chad Dyson invited us to a costume party at his estate on Halloween night.

Quinn is immediately put off.

**Quinn:** Don't you think it's strange Sandi was acting all submissive the other day?

**Jim:** Come on, Quinn. Sandi will probably be there. If you're worried you can talk to her about it then.

Quinn looks thoughtful for a second.

**Quinn:** Okay. (thought VO) _I have to get her away from that monster. He's holding her against her will, I know it._

**End Act II**

* * *

**Act III**

**Scene 1**

**Ext. Shot:** Dyson Estate, evening

**Int. Shot:** the ballroom

The Halloween party is in full swing. Everyone is there in full costume. Jim is there as Arthur Morgan from RDR 2 while Quinn is there as Elvira.

**Quinn:** Have you seen Sandi?

**Jim:** I'm still trying to figure out where the bathroom is.

Quinn is instantly put off by Jim's seeming lack of concern.

**Quinn:** Is that all you can think about!?

**Jim:** I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is. You knew that when you married me.

Quinn let's out a frustrated sigh. Before the conversation can continue they are approached by Chad in his Mad Cow Killer costume, minus the mask. No one makes the connection because it's a costume party. Sandi is in a black cat suit but has cat whiskers painted on her face.

**Chad:** Thanks for coming.

At this point, they are approached by Tom Sloane and his wife, Tori.

**Tom:** Chad, it's been a while.

Chad and Tom shake hands.

**Chad:** Tom, how are you?

Tom turns to Quinn and Jim to explain.

**Tom:** Chad's one of Grace, Sloan and Paige's most important clients.

**Chad:** That's true. So, Tom, how are you?

**Tom:** The usual. I recently transferred an employee to the Manhattan office.

**Chad:** Who?

**Tom:** Some annoying Chinese guy.

Jim shudders as he knows EXACTLY who they're talking about.

**Jim:** Chan Wang, aka the biggest asshole on the planet. I have the displeasure of living next door to him.

**Tom:** He constantly brown noses me for a membership at Winged Tree. I don't have the heart to tell him that there's no way the old timers on the comittee will let an Asian join.

He turns to Jim.

**Tom:** I once mentioned the possibility of letting you join and they all thought I was joking. When I told them I wasn't they looked at me like I'm crazy.

Quinn is puzzled by this.

**Quinn:** But Jim's white!

Tom tried to explain.

**Tom:** His last name ends in a vowel. A lot of the old timers seem to think a guy with an Italian last name is a Black person who just looks White.

Jim explained it to Quinn further.

**Jim:** We Italian Americans always took some abuse from the _maragon._

Quinn gives Jim a puzzled look.

**Jim:** Maragon is an Italian American slur for British Americans, like WASP.

Chad immediately changes the subject.

**Chad:** Sandi, we need to go to my study for a minute.

Quinn is instantly suspicious.

**Quinn:** Why?

Chad tries to reassure her.

**Chad: **Don't worry, we won't be long.

As they leave Quinn stares daggers at Chad.

* * *

**Scene 2**

**Int. Shot:** The study

Chad looks at Sandi as she stands there nervously.

**Sandi:** (thought VO) _I HAVE to get out of this nightmare, but how?_ (out loud) Chad, what's going on?

Chad grinned evily. He reached over to Sandi and took off the shock collar. Sandi was both shocked and relieved.

**Sandi:** You...You're letting me go.

Chad nodded.

**Chad:** Yes, I know I can trust you now. The voices said so.

He walks over to his desk as Sandi nervously stands there, now both nervous and puzzled.

**Chad:** Sandi, it's time.

Sandi is now intensely nervous.

**Sandi:** T...Time for what?

Chad gets a butcher knife out of his desk. Sandi gasps in horror. He takes the knife and hands it to her.

**Chad:** For your first kill.

Shaking, Sandi takes the knife.

**Sandi:** W...Who?

Chad smiled.

**Chad:** Quinn.

Sandi gasped in horror.

**Sandi:** WHAT!? You want me to murder my best friend!?

**Chad:** The voices do. Don't you see, Quinn will never let us be together. She has to die. SHE MUST DIE!

**Sandi:** I...I can't!

Chad has a pleading look on his face.

**Chad:** You said you loved me.

**Sandi:** That...That was before I found out you're a freaking psychopath.

Chad's eyes narrowed.

**Chad:** Sandi, you're not thinking clearly.

Dropping the knife, Sandi turns and tries to run. Chad catches her before she can get to the door. He tackles her to the ground.

**Chad:** Consuela! Rope!

Consuela comes out of the shadows and helps Chad hogtie Sandi.

**Sandi:** Why, Consuela?

**Consuela:** He pay and I need money.

Sandi eyes Consuela in shock and horror.

**Consuela:** Life just one compromise after another.

* * *

**Scene 3**

**Int. Shot:** The ballroom

Chad returns alone. He approaches Quinn and Jim. Quinn immediately notices that Sandi is absent.

**Quinn:** Where's Sandi?

Chad acts as nonchalant as possible.

**Chad:** She wasn't feeling well. She said I should return to the party without her.

For the first time, Jim gets suspicious.

**Jim:** What's going on?

Chad now looks like a deer in the headlights but quickly recovers.

**Chad:** Actually, she wanted me to tell Quinn something.

**Quinn:** What is it?

**Chad:** She said it's for your ears only. Jim, can I snatch her away for a few minutes? This won't take long.

This seems reasonable to Jim.

**Jim:** Okay.

Quinn has a sinking feeling as she and Chad leave.

* * *

**Scene 4**

**Ext. Shot:** the slaughterhouse

Chad leads Quinn to the entrance. They enter.

**Int. Shot:** slaughterhouse

Chad leads Quinn around some vats and a conveyor belt. They now see Sandi tied to a chair with a frightened look on her face.

**Quinn:** Sandi, what's going on?

**Sandi:** QUINN, DUCK!

Quinn ducks just in time to avoid being stabbed in the back by Chad.

**Quinn:** AHHHH! WHAT THE HELL!

**Sandi:** HE'S THE MAD COW KILLER!

Chad looks towards Sandi.

**Chad:** YOU TRAITOR!

He charges at Sandi with the knife. Quinn comes right up behind him with a frozen roast that she'd taken off o nearby table and hits Chad upside the head with it so hard that he drops the knife and passes out. Quinn runs to Sandi.

**Quinn:** Sandi, what's going on?

**Sandi:** He's the Mad Cow Killer!

Quinn takes the knife and uses it to cut Sandi free.

**Quinn:** There! Let's get out of here.

As she stands up Sandi hugs Quinn. Tears are running down his face.

**Sandi:** Oh, Quinn! You wouldn't believe what I've seen, what he made me do.

Chad, having regained consciousness, comes right up behind Quinn, takes his knife and shoves her to the floor.

**Chad:** DIE!

Sandi tackles him from behind.

**Sandi:** LEAVE HER ALONE!

Chad swings his knife at Sandi, cutting her arm.

**Sandi:** AHHHH!

**Quinn:** SANDI, RUN!

Sandi runs. Chad completely forgets about Quinn and chases Sandi with the knife.

**Chad:** (thought VO, but the voice sounds demonic) _Kill her! KILL THEM BOTH!_ (out loud, his own voice) YES, MASTER!

Sandi runs onto a conveyor belt. Chad jumps up and holds her down.

**Chad:** YOU MUST DIE!

Quinn sees this.

**Quinn:** SANDI!

She runs to the controls and starts the conveyor belt. Chad drops the knife as this startles both him and Sandi. Chad grabs Sandi and forces her to stand with him as the belt moves them forward.

**Chad:** YES! YOU SEE!?

The belt leads to a meat grinder large enough to ground them both.

**Chad:** NOW...NOW WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER...AS DYSON HAMBURGER MEAT! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA HA!

Sandi kicks him in the groin. As Chad rolls over in pain she jumps off of the conveyor belt and runs to Quinn.

**Chad:** I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!

Sandi calls back to him.

**Sandi:** NOT ENOUGH TO GET GROUND INTO HAMBURGER FOR YOU!

She rushes up to Quinn.

**Quinn:** Sandi, how do you turn this thing off!?

**Sandi:** You think I know!?

Chad called out to them from the belt.

**Chad:** PULL THE GREEN LEVER!

Quinn pulls the green lever, causing the belt to speed up.

**Chad:** AH HA HA HA HA HA! YES, MY DESTINY AWAITS! DARK MASTERS, I'M COMING HOME! AH HA HA HA HA HA..

Cut to a catwalk that passes over the conveyor belt. There's an electric cattle prod laying there. The cattle prod seemingly rolls over by itself and rests on the charge to Chad.

**Chad:** YESS! OHHH, GOD, YESS! MY TIME HAS COME! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AH!

As Chad passes under the catwalk the now fully charged cattle prod rolls off of the catwalk and falls toward Chad. It strikes him on the head, sending a ton of voltage into Chad's brain. Both Quinn and Sandi saw this. Chad suddenly regains consciousness. He stands up.

**Chad:** Oh my God! I...I can suddenly think clearly! The voices...the voices in my head are gone!

Chad looks down and is puzzled by what he's wearing.

**Chad:** Why am I wearing a cow costume!?

He looks ahead and sees that he's heading rapidly toward a meat grinder.

**Chad:** OH, NO!

He's caught in the grinder. It shreds him alive.

**Chad:** AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cut to Sandi and Quinn.

**Sandi and Quinn:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Just like that, it's over. Sandi is horrified.

**Sandi:** I...I didn't want it to end like this!

**Quinn:** Sandi, there was nothing we could do for him.

**Sandi:** But, that electric shock cured his insanity. I...Well...

Words escape Sandi.

**Quinn:** I know. It was just lucky for us that a fully charged cattle prod miraculously fell on his head.

She suddenly remembers her guardian angel phase in high school.

**Quinn:** Or maybe you have a guardian angel, Sandi.

Both women look thoughtful.

**Quinn and Sandi:** NAH!

Sandi turns serious again.

**Sandi:** Whatever it was, that zap seemed to cure his maddness. Now, hopefully, he's in a better place.

Quinn shakes her head.

**Quinn:** Sandi, he was a homicidal maniac who just got processed into hamburger. That is NOT a better place.

Sandi gives Quinn a questioning look.

**Sandi:** Is this a happy ending?

Quinn shrugged.

**Quinn:** Close enough.

Both women turned and walked away. Neither of them notice the presence of a supernatural entity. We don't see this being's features but we do see the halo over it's head and the wings coming out of it's back.

**End Credits.**

* * *

**Next Time**

When both Chuck and Stacy have to go out of town for a week Quinn and Jim babysit the Ruttheimer kids. Little Chucky pushes Quinn to the point of spanking him in public.


	9. Spare The Rod, Spoil The Quinn

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 38**

**"Spare The Rod, Spoil The Quinn"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Pizza King...**

Quinn and Stacy are having lunch at Pizza King. While the place is a teen hangout the thrity-something best friends still like to eat here for sentimental reasons.

"Thanks for having lunch with me, Quinn" said Stacy.

Quinn said "No problem, Stacy. I felt like catching up with an old friend anyway. Thanks for paying."

Stacy now looked guilty.

"Quinn, I have a confession to make. This isn't entirely a social call."

Suddenly concerned for her friend, Quinn asked "What's wrong?"

Stacy said "See, it's like this. I'm being sent out of town next week. With all the impeachment news lately the station wants me to do the evening news in Washington. The problem is that next week is the same week that Chuck's attending an IT seminar in Seattle. Quinn, I hate to dump this on you but would you mind taking Chucky and Q for the week."

Smiling, Quinn said "Stacy, of course I'll take them. I am Chucky's godmother after all and Q would be a welcome addition. Not that I don't love my husband and sons, but it'd be nice to have another girl in the house."

Giddy, Stacy said "Thank you, Quinn! Thank you so much." Turning serious, she added "Now, I should warn you that Chucky likes to test people to see what he can get away with. I blame that boy's best friend."

Quinn asked "Who's his best friend?"

Stacy said "Greg Keanen. He's a bit of a delinquent."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are at the kitchen table having dinner. Quinn has just informed them that Chucky and Q will be staying with them for a week.

"It's alright with me" said Jim.

Tommy added "Yeah, Chucky's cool, and Greg Keanen's a total badass."

Quinn said "Stacy told me not to let Chucky invite him over."

Tommy frowned upon hearing this.

Jim asked "Who's Greg Keanen, and why doesn't Stacy want him visiting Chucky?"

Timmy explained "Greg Keanen's one of the worst bullys at school."

Teddy added "He's even worse than Shane Sloan."

Tommy said "I heard he punched out a teacher once."

Teddy rolled his eyes. "You are so gullible."

* * *

**A few evenings later...**

Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are once again having dinner at the kitchen table. Chucky and Q are with them.

Q said "Thanks for letting us stay here, Aunt Quinn and Uncle Jim."

Quinn said "It's no trouble at all, Q."

Jim added "Yeah, you're always welcome here."

Chucky looked at his spagetti and meatballs.

"What is this?"

Jim's eyes went wide. "You can't seriously tell me you've never had spagetti before!?"

Chucky just shrugged. "Whatever."

Turning to Chucky, Tommy asked "You wanna play video games after dinner?"

Chucky snarked "You're a gamer."

Wanting to change the subject, Quinn asked "How was school today?"

Teddy said "Well, I asked a question the teacher couldn't answer, so the usual."

Chucky spoke in his usual sardonic monotone.

"You're a brain."

Turning to Timmy, Quinn asked "How about you, Timmy?"

Timmy continued to stare at Q and didn't even hear his mother speak.

"Timmy," said Jim, "Your mother asked you a question."

This snapped Timmy out of his trance. Q seemed oblivious to his staring.

"Sorry, Dad."

Chucky snarked at Timmy. "You're in love with my sister."

"He is not!" Q protested.

Teddy remarked "Yet he can't stop staring at you."

Before the conversation could continue, Tommy whined "Doesn't anyone wanna know how my day went?"

To Tommy, Chucky snarked "You're an attention whore."

Everyone frowned at Chucky when he said that.

* * *

**The next morning...**

**Music:** "Your Body" by Christina Aguilera

Quinn was in the master bathroom listening to the radio while taking a shower. As she washed herself she sang along.

"All I wanna do is love your body, woaaahhhooohhhoohhhohohoh."

She was so into it that she didn't notice the bathroom door open. A few seconds later she didn't notice a small hand holding an I-Phone slide through the shower curtain and start snapping pictures. Completely unaware that her privacy was being invaded Quinn continued to sing along.

"To-night's the night and I'm feeling naughty, woaaahhhooohhhohhhohohoh."

The intruder left as Quinn remained unaware of the intrusion.

A short time later Chucky is in the upstairs hallway scrolling through the pictures he just took.

"I saw my godmother's boobs."

* * *

**Lewis Elementary School, later that day...**

The kids are all on the playground for recess. Tommy is hanging out on the jungle gym with Kevin Jr.

Kevin Jr. asked "So, has your brother tried to kiss Q yet?"

Tommy shook his head. The two boys look over at Timmy, who's playing with Q and her friends.

"No" said Tommy, "But she asked to sleep in my room last night."

Kevin Jr.'s eyes went wide. "Dude! Your brother's crushing on Q Ruttheimer and she's crushing on you!? That's totally messed up."

Rolling his eyes, Tommy said "Tell me about it."

Meanwhile, Timmy is sitting with Q and her friends while they talk. One of her friends, a blond, said "OMG! You saw Tommy Carbone in his pajamas!"

Beaming, Q said "I know. He's sooooooooo cute."

With a slight hint of jealousy in his voice, Timmy asked "Am I cute?"

Q half-heartedly said "Um...well...I guess. If you lost some weight."

Timmy now looked sad, which made Q feel guilty.

"Sorry, I shouldn't be mean." she said.

Timmy said "I know."

Q said "Look, Timmy, I like you, but just as a friend."

Nervous, Timmy said "I know. I...um...I just like you as a friend, too."

As Q and the other girls resumed talking, Timmy thought _Dammit, why can't you tell her you "like" like her?_

In another corner of the playground Chucky is hanging out with Greg Keanen. Greg has blond hair which is gelled into spikes and an Ed Hardy T-shirt over his chubby frame. Chucky is showing him the pictures on his I-Phone.

"Whoa!" said Greg, "Mrs. Carbone's totally hot."

Chucky said "Yeah, she's a MILF."

Greg whipped out his own I-Phone. Chucky immediately sent the pictures to him.

"Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!" said Greg in a voice similar to Beavis.

"Yeah," said Chucky, "Boobs rule."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, that afternoon...**

Chucky was sitting on the living room sofa watching TV.

**TV Announcer:** "He took pictures of his mom in the shower...AND POSTED THEM ONLINE! The sexting sixth grader, next on Sick, Sad World!"

At this point, Quinn came into the living room.

"Chucky," she said, "Don't you have homework?"

Chucky, in his usual monotone, said "I'll do it later."

Quinn said "Your sister and my boys are doing their homework right now."

Chucky snarked "Whatever?"

Trying to keep her cool, Quinn said "Chucky, your mother told me what rules she enforces with you and Q. I know you aren't allowed to watch TV until you've done all of your homework."

Chucky said "You're not my mother."

Without missing a beat, Quinn said "No, but I have your mother's permission to make you follow the rules. Now..." She snatched the remote from him, "...homework. You can watch TV after."

Quinn shut off the TV and walked away with the remote. As soon as she was gone, Chucky muttered something under his breath.

"Bitch."

He whipped out his I-Phone and sent the nude photos to everyone on his contact list.

* * *

**The Thompson House, the next day...**

Seventeen year old Ultra and his girlfriend, Lauren, are watching TV in his room.

"Hey, babe," said Ultra, "Check this out."

He got out his phone and showed Lauren the pictures Chucky took of Quinn.

Rolling her eyes, Lauren said "Ultra, why are you showing me nude pictures of Mrs. Carbone?"

Ultra said "I was hoping maybe you'd start sexting if you knew that even she does it. Besides, she's a total MILF."

Struggling not to lose her temper, Lauren asked "And HOW did you get these?"

Noting the suspicous and hostile tone, Ultra said "Relax, babe, I didn't take them. They were, like, sent to me."

Narrowing her eyes, Lauren asked "By who?"

* * *

**Governors Park Restaurant, a few hours later...**

Quinn and Lauren are seated at a table.

"Thanks for coming on such short notice, Mrs. Carbone."

Quinn said "No problem, Lauren. What's wrong? On the phone it sounded urgent."

Lauren got Ultra's I-Phone out of her purse.

"I was hanging out with Ultra when he showed me this."

Lauren pulled up the shower photos and showed them to Quinn. Quinn's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped when she saw them.

"Oh...my...GOD!"

Lauren said "Ultra told me Chucky Ruttheimer sent them."

Quinn now goes from embarrassed to furious.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, later...**

Greg Keanen was ringing the doorbell. Jim answered.

"Yes."

Greg asked "Is Chucky around?"

Jim, forgetting that Quinn had told him Stacy didn't want Greg over, called out "CHUCKY, YOU HAVE A VISITOR".

Chucky came to the door.

"Hey, Greg."

At this point, Quinn's Cadillac came speeding up the road and came to a screeching halt in the driveway. Quinn emerged from the driver's side while Lauren emerged from the passenger side. This got the attention of several neighbors. Chan and Ming Wang were passing by while Kevin and Kevin Jr. watched the commotion from their porch. From the Thompson's bedroom window Brittany and Daryl, both stripped down to their underwear, watched as well. Sandi had just come home and rather than enter her house she stood by her car to observe the commotion as well. Quinn walked right up to Chucky and Greg.

"Chucky," she barked, "I wanna see your I-Phone right now, young man!"

Chucky snarked "Why?"

As Quinn took a deep breath to calm herself down, Lauren said "Because I just showed her the nude photos you sent to my boyfriend, that's why?"

Chucky shrugged "Whatever."

Holding out her hand, Quinn sternly said "Not whatever! I want your phone right now, young man!"

Chucky pulled his I-Phone out of his pocket. Greg nodded at Chucky. As Quinn was about to take the phone Chucky suddenly handed it to Greg.

"KEEP AWAY!" Greg shouted as he began to run. Quinn chased after him. Lauren immediately crouched as Greg ran by her. Using her gymnastics training the teen did a backflip over Greg and blocked his path.

"Don't even think about it, you little brat." Lauren hissed.

Now cornered, Greg stood there. Quinn reached out towards him.

"Give me Chucky's phone...NOW!"

Greg suddenly smirked. Quinn didn't know that Chucky was sneaking up behind her and Lauren was too focused on Greg to notice. Suddenly, Chucky grabbed the waist of Quinn's jeans and pulled them down to her ankles, exposing her red thong panties to everyone. Quinn and Lauren both gasped in shock as Greg started laughing.

Greg wasn't the only one. Kevin and Kevin Jr. also started laughing. From inside the Thompson's house, Ultra stared at Quinn through the window.

"DUDE! SHE IS A MILF!"

Hearing that, Quinn gasped in horror. She turned and saw Chan and Ming.

"HEY, MING," Chan called out, "WHITE TRASH TEXAS HILLBILLY FLASHING WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!"

As both Chan and Ming proceeded to laugh uncontrollably Quinn looked up at the Thompson's bedroom window to see that Daryl and Brittany had interrupted their 'workout' session to laugh as well. Quinn then looked across the street and saw that Sandi was laughing.

Impassive as usual, Chucky said "I pulled down your pants."

That was when Quinn snapped. She angrily pulled her pants back up. Enraged, she grabbed Chucky by his shirt, lifted him off the ground, bent him over her knee and proceeded to spank him with all of her might.

"HOW..." slap, "...DARE..." slap "...YOU..." slap "...YOU..." slap "...YOU..." slap "...LITTLE..." slap "...PIECE..." slap "...OF..." slap "...SHIT..." slap.

Everyone else stopped laughing and gasped in shock. The collective gasp was loud enough to snap Quinn out of her rage. She immediately let Chucky go and gasped in horror at her own actions.

"Oh...my...God! WHAT HAVE i DONE!?"

* * *

**Act II**

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

While all of the kids are upstairs Quinn and Jim are in the living room, where Quinn is freaking out over her very public meltdown that day.

"I can't believe it," said Quinn, "I actually hit a child!"

Jim said "Aren't you being a little melodramatic?"

Quinn said "I spanked someone else's child, Jim!"

Staying calm, Jim said "You did something you regret in a moment of anger, but who hasn't?"

Continuing to panic Quinn said "When Stacy finds out about this she'll never trust me with her kids again!"

"Quinn," said Jim, "We both know Chuck and Stacy well enough to know that's not true. Just explain to them that you lost it after finding out Chucky secretly photographed you in the shower and sent the pics to everyone and when you confronted him about it he pulled your pants down in front of everyone. I think Stacy'll understand that."

At this point both Tommy and Timmy came down.

"Mom," said Tommy, "Chucky said you spanked him after he pantsed you. Is that true?"

Quinn sighed. "Yes, I'm afraid it is. I want you to know that was a huge mistake and I'd never do that to you guys or to Teddy. What I did today was wrong?"

Timmy asked "Then why did you do it, Mom?"

Trying to explain, Quinn said "I got angry and lost control. I'm not saying that's okay, but it happens."

Tommy rolled his eyes. "So Chucky pantsed you, that's what he does."

Timmy added "Yeah, Mom. It's no big deal, he does that to everyone."

Jim said "He's does?"

Timmy nodded.

"Look," said Tommy, "You turn your back on Chucky Ruttheimer you get pantsed, everyone at school knows that. You're supposed to just pull up your pants and pretend nothing happened. That's what the rest of us do."

Tommy and Timmy left the room as Quinn felt even worse than she did before.

"Jim," she said, "Am I a bad parent?"

Jim's eyes went wide. "What!? God, no! In fact, you're way better at parenting than I am. That's why I always follow your lead with the kids."

Not believing her husband, Quinn said "If I'm such a good parent than why did I do something that could scar Chucky for life?"

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "I got spanked all the time as a kid and I turned out alright. Granted, my mother only spanked me as a last resort, but still. My father used corporal punishment all the time and he didn't spank me with his hand, he used his belt. Also, they still had paddling in schools in the late 80's and early 90's. In fact, I remember the paddle my old elementary school principal kept in his office. It was made of Georgia pine and a full foot long with holes drilled in it to cut down on wind resistance while the handle was coated in tree sap to increase grip. It was called Old Spanky."

Quinn retorted "Jim, there's a reason most schools banned corporal punishment later on in the 90's."

Jim said nothing but looked haunted as this conversation was starting to bring back some really bad memories.

* * *

**The next day...**

While the kids were at school and Jim was out filming a test drive video for his YouTube channel Quinn was in the office paying bills. She wrote a check and sighed.

_I shouldn't have spanked Chucky. Spanking's wrong, that's why I don't do it with my own kids. Still, I spanked someone else's child. God, I'm such a hypocrite!_

At this moment Quinn's train of thought was disturbed by the sound of someone kicking the front door in.

_What the Hell!?_

Quinn got up and went to see what was going on. She found the front door kicked clean off of it's hinges and Jim's father, Tony, standing right there.

"Tony, what the Hell!? You just destroyed my front door!"

Tony growled "Because it was in my way, you insubordinate slut! Now, where's my no good pussy-ass of a son."

Suddenly sounding defeated, Quinn said "He's out filming a test drive video."

Tony said "If only he'd test drive a new wife."

With uncharacteristic resignation in her voice Quinn asked "What do you want?"

Tony said "I need you to bake a cake, woman! The boys at the VFW are throwing a birthday party tomorrow night."

Quinn said "Fine! I'll bake you a damn cake!" _If only to make you go away faster._

At this point Tony noticed something.

"You okay, woman? You seem a little distracted."

With worry practically written on her face, Quinn said "Nothing you need to know about."

Getting in her face, Tony barked "DON'T BACKTALK ME, WOMAN! NOW TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU SOS YOU DON'T F#$ BURN THE CAKE!"

With a sigh, Quinn admitted "I'm babysitting my best friend's kids this week."

"So?"

Quinn said "Look, I lost my patience when one of them was misbehaving."

Tony asked "Whatcha do, kill him?"

Visibly miffed, Quinn said "No, I spanked him."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Is that all?"

Quinn said "Look, like most people these days I consider spanking a form of abuse."

Tony lost his shit. "WHAT THE F$%&!? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SPANKING! HOW ELSE DO YA GET A F #$IN' BRAT IN LINE!?"

Quinn fired back "Look, hitting a child, for any reason, is wrong!"

"HORSESHIT!" Tony barked, "Beating's build character! A kid does something wrong, ya beat him. He does it again, beat him harder. That's how you keep 'em from growing up to be hedonistic commie psychos!"

Quinn rhetorically asked "What are you on?"

Tony said "Okay, fine! Once that cake's done bring it up to the VFW in Queens. There are some guys I want you to meet."

Quinn said "You must be out of your mind if you think I'll drive two hours just to listen to you and your buddies get drunk and tell war stories."

Smirking, Tony said "Would you rather I stay here until you change your mind? Maybe I'll commandeer the master bedroom this time."

Quinn let out a defeated sigh as she knew Tony wasn't bluffing.

* * *

**Queens, NY, a few hours later...**

Quinn and Tony were at the local VFW. They were sitting at a table as Tony introduced his daughter in law to everyone. Two of the guys with them were people would recognize as Buck Conroy (the lead mercenary recruiter from "This Year's Model") and Jim of Jim's Paintballing Range (now Kara's Wild Family Fun Center).

Tony said "This is Buck. We were on the same assault team in Delta Force."

Quinn said "You were in Delta!?"

Buck said "We insiders just call it The Unit."

Tony went on "And this is Jim. We served together in 'Nam. In fact, your husband's named after him."

Jim and Quinn shook hands. "Pleasure to meet you, Quinn."

Quinn was pleasantly surprised by how polite everyone was. She'd expected them to be a bunch of uncouth gorillas like Tony. Tony next introduced Quinn to a seventy-something man in glasses wearing a cap that read "United States Marine Corps". Despite being in his 70's this man was very muscular with tattooed arms. On his left bicep was a tattoo of a flaming skull and two M-16 assault rifles arranged as cross bones. Above the flaming skull were the initials BTK, below they were spelled out as "Born To Kill". On the old man's right bicep was a skull and cross bones with an anchor behind them. On his left forearm was the rank insignia of a Gunnery Sergeant. On his right forearm was a blood soaked dagger wrapped in a ribbon that had the Marine Corps motto on it, "Semper Fi".

Tony said "And this is the guy I wanted you to meet."

As Quinn and the man shook hands he introduced himself as "Gunnery Sergeant Frank McJeeter, United States Marine Corps."

Tony said "After his time in the service Frank here became the principal at Jim and Chris's elementary school."

McJeeter said "I remember those two. Chris was a great kid but Jim needed toughening up. I heard you spanked a boy."

Nodding, Quinn said "I feel really bad about that."

"Don't," said McJeeter, "Tony may be an Army pussy but we both agree that this country's going to Hell because parents won't beat discipline into their kids anymore. Then in '95 those pansy ass draft dodgers on the school board said we couldn't paddle 'em anymore either."

Quinn held back the urge to go off on him.

McJeeter continued "I used to discipline the kids with this."

He reached into his bag and got out the paddle Jim had described to Quinn earlier.

"This here is Old Spanky," the former principal beamed, "With this baby I instilled character in the kids. I beat modesty into the girls and used it to prepare the boys to prove their manhood by fighting and dying in the wars that make America great." He handed the paddle to Quinn. "I want you to have this baby."

Apprehensive, Quinn said "I...I don't think I should."

McJeeter said "I want you to have it." Frowning, he said "I have no one to hit with it anymore."

Quinn nervously accepted the "gift". "Um...Thanks."

"You're welcome," said McJeeter, "Even if you never use it it'll still scare those brats into behaving,". His voice took on a reverend tone as he added "Just like Reagan's defense buildup scared the commies into submission."

With equal reverence, Buck Conroy said "Ronald Reagan, best damn president we ever had."

Wiping a stray tear from his cheek, Tony said "God, I miss voting for that man."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Jim, Chris, Mack and Kevin were in Jim's man cave in the basement drinking beer and watching Thursday Night Football on the TV. Lindy came in, carrying her and Chris's son, Jason.

"Hey, guys." she said.

Chris asked "Something wrong, Lindy."

Lindy said "Not at all. The kids are watching TV in the living room so I figured I'd come down and check on you guys."

Just then, Quinn entered.

"The boys told me you were down here."

Jim asked "How was your afternoon with Dad?"

Quinn said "It was surprisingly nice. Your father introduced me to your old elementary school pricnipal, Frank McJeeter."

Jim gasped in horror as Chris, with equal horror, said "McJeeter the Beater!?"

Reaching into her purse, Quinn said "He gave me this."

Quinn pulled out Old Spanky. Both Jim and Chris shuddered at the sight of the very same paddle that had been used on them as children.

Swinging it in the air, Quinn said "Can you believe this thing was used as recently as the early 90's?"

Jim and Chirs both tensed up as they recalled the times that they were actually hit with that thing.

Kevin said "Cool!"

Chris said "Not if you were ever on the recieving end of that thing. We called our pirncipal McJeeter the Beater because if you ever got sent to the principals office it was a sure thing you were gonna get hit with that paddle until your ass was skinned raw."

Quinn said "Come on, it couldn't have happened that often."

Jim explained "McJeeter was such a hard ass that he'd hit you with that thing for talking during lunch."

Clearly not believing them, Quinn said "Come on, it's not like I'm actually gonna use it. I'm just amazed by the history of this thing."

With that she left as Lindy and the guys all frowned.

Chris said "Lindy, remember that we agreed not to use corporal punishment on Jason."

"Don't worry," Lindy reassured her husband, "I'd never do that. Although, my mother spanked me with a belt every day from when I was two until I was eighteen and I turned out all right." Under her breath she added "Bitch".

Kevin said "Dude, spanking's just, like, totally wrong! I say spare the rod and spoil the child."

With a sigh, Mack said "Kevin, spare the rod and spoil the child means you're in favor of spanking."

"Really!?" said Kevin, "Cool!"

This elicited a collective eye roll from everyone else.

* * *

**The next morning...**

Jim, Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, Chucky and Q are in the living room sitting down while Quinn stands in front of them.

"I've called this meeting," she said, "Because I want to discuss some changes around here before you kids go to school. I wanted to show you all..." she got Old Spanky out of her purse, "...THIS!"

All the kids gasped while Jim looked VERY apprehensive.

"In light of Chucky's misbehavior I've decided that I'm being too lenient. That stops today. Now, I don't expect to actually use this thing because now you all, especially you, Chucky, know I have it in me."

Teddy deadpanned "I'm sure threatening children with beatings is a great way to ensure they don't grow up to resent you."

Quinn smacked the paddle down on the coffee table. The loud "THWAP" made everyone flinch.

"NO TALKING BACK, YOUNG MAN!"

Jim, Chucky, Q and all three T's simultaneously gulped with dread.

* * *

**Act III**

**Shop Rite Supermarket, day...**

Quinn is at the dry goods aisle. As she begins to load her cart she's approached by a man with shaggy brown hair and a beard. The two recognize each other as they live in the same neighborhood.

"Hey, Quinn."

Smiling, Quinn replied "Hey, Wild Dog."

Wild Dog said "Heard you spanked that Ruttheimer kid the other day."

Quinn now looked embarrassed, which Wild Dog noticed.

"Don't worry aboudit," he said, "It's about time someone did something aboud that kid. Just wanted to say I'm damn proud of yas."

Relieved, Quinn said "Thanks."

With that, Wild Dog went about his business as Quinn felt a rush of pride. At this point she was approached by a woman around her age with black hair.

"Way to go, Quinn," said the woman, "Thank God there's one person in our generation with the guts to spank some sense into those brats. Can I see it?"

Beaming, Quinn said "Sure."

She got Old Spanky out of her purse. At this point they were joined by an elderly couple.

"Well," said the old woman, "At least one of today's parents still knows how to properly discipline children."

The old man said "Boy, that paddle takes me back. Back to the days when kids were beat for breaking the rules, women stayed in the kitchen and minorities stayed in the ghetto. The good old days."

The praise continued. As Quinn continued to lap up the attention the praise quickly went to her head.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, that afternoon...**

The kids, minus Teddy, were in the living room watching TV. Tommy and Timmy were sitting on the couch with Q sitting between them while Chucky sat on the floor.

**TV Announcer:** They misbehaved, so their mother sent them to the gas chamber. My Mom's A Nazi...next on Sick, Sad World!

While Tommy and Chucky stared at the TV Q was staring longingly at Tommy while Timmy stared equally longingly at Q.

Chucky, in his usual apathetic montone, said "Your Mom's gonna gas us."

At this point, Quinn entered the living room carrying Old Spanky.

"Where's Teddy?" she asked.

Tommy said "Studying in his room like the brain he is."

Quinn smacked Old Spanky on the coffee table, the "THWAP" causing the kids to flinch.

"DON'T CALL YOUR BROTHER A BRAIN!" she barked, causing Tommy to gulp with dread. Calming down, Quinn said "Now, don't you kids have homework to do?"

Chucky said "We already did it." in his usual snarky monotone. This prompted Quinn to smack the coffee table with Old Spanky once again.

"I don't care for your tone, young man!"

Chucky, still in a snarky monotone, said "Sorry."

Q said "Mrs. Carbone, we all did our homework. I even helped Tommy and Timmy with theirs."

Chucky snarked "She want's to hook up with Tommy."

Quinn smacked the coffee table again. The kids all scampered out of the living room and upstairs. Quinn allowed herself a triumphant grin.

"Being a hard ass works."

Jim was in the office. Through the open door he'd watched the whole thing. Now, he eyed his wife with great concern.

* * *

**Thompson house, later...**

Kevin, Mack and Jim were sitting on the porch drinking beer and talking. Kevin, as usual, was also chain smoking Marlboro Reds. The topic of discussion was Quinn's sudden ruthless streak.

Jim said "Ever since she brought that paddle home my wife's been acting more and more authoritarian."

Kevin finished his cigarette and tossed the butt. "Dude," he said, "That's, like, totally unhealthy!" Ironically, he followed this up by lighting another cigarette and continuing to smoke.

Mack said "I think Quinn's on a power trip. She lost her confidence after spanking Chucky because she was doubting her parenting skills. I think she's using that paddle as a crutch to regain her lost confidence. I think the fact that she's been getting pep talks with a pro-spanking bias has also been adding fuel to the fire."

Jim agreed. "Makes sense."

Kevin said nothing but looked thoughtful (a rarity).

* * *

**That evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the kids were having dinner at the kitchen table. Quinn had Old Spanky on the table next to her, which made everyone else VERY nervous. Timmy, who normally has seconds on everything, wasn't touching his food. Quinn noticed this.

"Timmy," she said with motherly concern, "Why aren't you eating?"

Nervous, Timmy said "I...I'm not really hungry right now."

Quinn said "But you love your father's lasagna!?"

As the other kids continued to eat in awkward silence Timmy said "I'm just not hungry, Mom."

Quinn picked up Old Spanky and her voice took on an ominous tone. "You know, Timmy," she said as she waved the paddle in front of everyone, "Your father went to a lot of trouble to make that. It's disrespectful not to eat it."

Trying to de-escalate the tension, Jim said "It's okay, Quinn. I'm not offended. Besides, lasagna reheats good. He can eat it later."

Quinn angrily pointed Old Spanky in Jim's direction. "DON'T UNDERMINE ME!"

Jim's eyes narrowed as this brought some of his repressed anger towards his father to the surface.

Teddy deadpanned "Well, this is certainly a relaxing environment."

Quinn angrily smacked Old Spanky down on the table. "DON'T TALK BACK!"

Jim said "Kids, why don't you take your dinner upstairs. We need to talk about grown up stuff."

All five of the kids eagerly took their plates and left. Quinn was infuriated by this.

"YOU AREN'T EXCUSED!"

The kids, knowing that Jim had their backs, ignored her.

Turning her wrath on her husband, Quinn said "Jim, what the Hell!?"

Jim said "Quinn, this recent power trip of yours is making the rest of us VERY uncomfortable."

Taken aback, Quinn said "Power trip!? Jim, we both admit I'm the better parent."

Jim said "Normally that's true, but not this time. Usually, when we have these conversations I'm the one who's going off the handle and YOU'RE the one being the voice of reason. I think that paddle's gone to your head."

Adamant, Quinn said "Jim, Old Spanky is the ONLY thing standing between us and total anarchy."

Jim pointed out "Last week you would've considered that statement totally asinine."

Quinn said "Well, it's not like my old way of doing things was working."

"Yes, it was," said Jim, "Our kids rarely misbehave and when they do it's usually nothing a stern talk won't fix."

Quinn narrowed her eyes menacingly as her inner Helen came out.

"HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT ME!"

She smacked Jim upside the head with Old Spanky and stormed off in a huff.

Rubbing the back of his head, Jim said "Well, at least she doesn't hit as hard as McJeeter did."

* * *

**The next day...**

Jim's Camaro pulled into the driveway of Casa Carbone. In the passenger seat was a box of high dollar tools he'd just picked up from the hardware store.

_Now, to get the camera and make an unboxing video._

As Jim parked his car he saw Quinn frantically looking through her Cadillac.

_What the Hell!?_

He got out of the car and ran over to his wife.

"Quinn, what's wrong!?"

Quinn frantically said "I can't find it anywhere!"

"What?" asked Jim.

"Old Spanky! I've lost Old Spanky!"

Trying to calm his wife down, Jim asked "Where were you the last time you had it?"

Quinn explained "I forgot to get milk when I went grocery shopping the other day so I went to get some. On the way home some other driver cut me off. I got so angry that I opened the window and yelled at him while raising Old Spanky."

Drawing a conclusion, Jim said "You dropped it at an intersection, didn't you?"

"No," Quinn remembered, "I put it down in the passenger seat. I left the car door open while opening the front door of the house and..." A possibility suddenly occurred to her, "...SOMEONE STOLE IT WHILE MY BACK WAS TURNED!"

At this point, Tommy and Kevin Jr. rode by on their bikes. Driven by righteous fury, Quinn blocked the boys paths.

"WHERE IS IT!?"

While Kevin Jr. froze with fear Tommy nervously asked "Wh...Where's what, Mom?"

Quinn barked "OLD SPANKY!"

Tommy frantically said "I don't know!"

That was when Quinn spotted something out of the corner of her eye. That something was Old Spanky's handle sticking out of the Thompson's trash can.

"I F#$ KNEW IT!" Quinn yelled as she ran over to the garbage can and pulled Old Spanky out. With the paddle in hand she ran over to Kevin Jr., grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him off of his bike. "HOW DARE YOU! YOU STOLE MY PADDLE!"

Kevin Jr. said "No, I didn't, Mrs. Carbone."

Tommy protested "It's true, Mom. He was with me the whole time."

The commotion started to attract the attention of the neighbors, including Kevin.

"Like, what's going on?" tyhe former QB asked.

Quinn angrily hissed "Your son stole my paddle!"

Kevin Jr. said "NO, I DIDN'T!"

To Kevin, Quinn said "I found it in your trashcan."

Frightened, Kevin Jr. said "I DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE, I SWEAR!"

Quinn shouted "DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME!"

She then bent Kevin Jr. over her knee and raised Old Spanky. Before she could strike, however...

"QUINN, NO!" Kevin shouted as he ran over to her. "My son didn't take it, I did!"

Quinn's eyes went wide and her jaw fell open. "YOU!? WHY!?"

Kevin said "Because, like, someone had to stop you. You're going crazy!"

Quinn looked all around. She looked across the street and saw Sandi shaking her head disapprovingly at Quinn. Next, Quinn looked toward Jim to see him shaking his head in a similar manner. Then, she looked at Tommy, who was absolutely terrified. Finally, she looked at her own reflection in the rear of her car. The distorted image made her look like some ugly monster about to harm a child. Quinn then gasped in horror.

"Oh...GOD!"

She dropped Old Spanky on the ground, let Kevin Jr. go and stood up. In tears, Kevin Jr. ran to Kevin and hugged him.

"D...Dad..._sniff_...I was...so...sc.._sob_...scared!"

Kevin said "It's alright, son. Daddy's here." Looking at Quinn, he added "You bully!"

As Kevin and Kevin Jr. went into their house Quinn just stood there and hung her head in shame.

* * *

**That evening...**

Quinn was sitting alone in the home office and looked absolutely miserable. Jim came in.

"Quinn," he said, "Are you alright?"

With a sigh, Quinn said "I AM a bad parent!"

Jim said "No, you're not. You just got carried away."

Quinn said "I never should've spanked Chucky, no matter how hard he'd pushed my buttons. I never should've let your father and his friends convince me to abandon my principles and take an approach to discipline that I know is wrong."

Jim sat down next to his wife and tried to reassure her.

"Quinn," he said, "You made mistakes, that's all."

Quinn said "How can anyone trust me around kids now?"

Jim said "You were doing just fine until Chucky pushed you over the edge."

Quinn said "What if that happens again? When Chuck and Stacy pick up those kids tomorrow I'll just tell them to ask someone else next time. Until they invent pants that can't be pulled down by anyone but the wearer I can't be trusted."

Jim said "Quinn, think about it. In seven years of being a mother of triplets that was the first time you let your temper get the better of you. If you ask me that's a damn good track record. Now, if you abused kids on a regualr basis then there'd be cause for concern but this is a one time incident with little to no chance of a repeat."

"Jim," Quinn replied, "I let that paddle go to my head."

"Quinn," said Jim, "The kids are only seven. You have plenty of time to make this up to them. Heck, in ten years I doubt anyone will even remember what all happened this week. Yes, you messed up royally but you didn't do anyone any permanent harm. Just think of this as another learning experience."

Feeling better, Quinn asked "How did you get so good at parenting all of the sudden?"

Smiling, Jim said "Seven years of watching you. I had one hell of a good teacher."

Quinn smiled at the compliment.

* * *

**The following evening...**

The Carbones, The Thompsons and The Ruttheimers were all gathered in the dinning room of Casa Carbone. The fireplace had a fire going.

Looking at Chucky, Stacy said "I can't believe what you did, young man."

Chucky snarked "Sorry."

Stacy said "You're still grounded for a whole month and I'm keeping your I-Phone until further notice."

Chucky said "Whatever."

Stacy said "Now you're grounded for two months. Wanna go for three?"

That shut Chucky up.

Standing in front of the fireplace, Quinn addressed everyone.

"Thanks for coming. The reason for this get together is so I can apologize for my own recent behavior. I spanked Chucky in a moment of anger and from there everything was just a runaway train. I can't promise I won't lose my temper again, no one can, but I want everyone to know that everything else that happened this week will never happen again."

Quinn got Old Spanky out of her purse.

"And to prove I'm serious."

Quinn threw Old Spanky into the fireplace. Everyone smiled as the instrument of abuse burned in the fire. Quinn then turned her attention back to everyone else.

To Kevin Jr., Quinn said "I'm sorry I went off on you. I swear it'll never happen again. I was wrong."

Kevin Jr. said "You're forgiven, Mrs. C."

Everyone smiled approvingly as Kevin Jr. hugged Quinn to show that there were no hard feelings.

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Lindy feels insecure about her age so she enters a local beauty pageant to prove to herself that she's still hot at 41.


	10. Lovely Lindy

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 39**

**"Lovely Lindy"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**La Manga Italian Restaurant, evening...**

Lindy is seated at the head of a large table. The others seated there were her husband, Chris, her infant son, Jason, Chris's brother, Jim, and Jim's wife, Quinn, as well as there seven year old triplet sons, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Also present were Sandi, the Thompsons (Kevin, Brittany, Ultra, Angie, Nikki, Lisa and Kevin Jr.), the Ruttheimers (Chuck, Stacy, Chucky and Q), Mack, The Wangs (Chan, Ming and Michelle, though Chan is only there grudgingly as a favor to Ming and his presence is tolerated equally grudgingly) and Brittany's lover Daryl, whom Kevin still doesn't suspect is sleeping with his wife (even though the affair's been going on for ten years and everyone else knows about it).

Smiling, Lindy said "Thanks for taking me out on my birthday, everyone."

Sandi said "No problem, Lindy," Frowning, she added "It's not like I had anything else better to do."

Kevin handed a gift-wrapped box to Lindy. "Here ya go."

Lindy tore off the wrapping paper and opened the box. She frowned as the contents were a t-shirt that showed an elderly woman running down a steep hill with a caption that read 'Over The Hill'.

Laughing, Kevin said "Get it?"

Everyone else frowned while it's clear that Kevin had no idea this joke was in bad taste.

Looking at Daryl, Brittany said "Will you still love me when I get old?"

Before Daryl could answer Kevin said "Like, you know I will, babe."

Daryl and Brittany both scowled as it was obvious that Brittany was talking not to her husband but her lover. Everyone else frowned at Kevin as it was equally obvious that he remains blissfully unaware that his wife checked out on their marriage a LONG time ago.

Wanting to de-escalate the awkwardness, Chris turned to his brother. "So, Jim, what have you and Quinn been up to lately?"

Jim and Quinn exchanged smiles.

"You wanna tell them," said Jim, "or should I?"

Beaming, Quinn said "They want me to be a celebrity judge for a local pageant! I'm going to be the local guest judge for this years Mrs. Lawndale Beauty Pageant."

Lindy smiled. "That's great, Quinn!"

At this point a team of waiters brought out a huge cake. The cake had two candles on it. One candle was shaped like a 4 while the other was a 1. Lindy frowned as she was reminded for the second time in as many minutes that she's turning 41 today.

* * *

**Chris and Lindy's house, later...**

Chris and Lindy are sitting in bed getting ready to call it a night.

Chris asked "Did you have fun tonight, Lindy?"

Trying to keep a happy face, Lindy said "You know I did, hon."

She sighed as Chris gave her a concerned look that let her know her attempt at feighned cheerfulness failed.

"Chris," she said, "Have you thought about what it's gonna be like when I'm one of those old ladies in sweatpants at Wal Mart?"

Chris said "Why does this feel like a loaded question?"

"Come on," said Lindy, "Just tell me. Am I past my prime?"

Sighing, Chris said "Not for many more years."

Raising an eyebrow, Lindy said "So...You HAVE thought of me as past my prime!?"

Chris rolled his eyes and he mumbled "Knew it was a loaded question."

Lindy's eyes now seemed to burn with a competitive fire in them. She reached into a nightstand and pulled out a brochure.

"Quinn gave me this," she said. "I think she just likes the fact that it lists her as one of the judges in the Mrs. Lawndale pageant."

Not liking where this was going, Chris said "And?".

Lindy said "Well, look at what first prize is in the pageant. A 2020 Cadillac Escalade, fully loaded."

Chris groaned "Lindy, you have a car and I have a pickup truck. Do you really want a high end SUV?"

Lindy said "It's not just any SUV, Chris. It's an Escalade. You know how many big celebrities drive around in an Escalade?"

Chris bitterly said "Yes, my first wife cheated on me in one."

Wanting to talk about ANYTHING but her husband's failed first marriage, Lindy read the brochure.

"Let's see. According to this the only entry requirements are that you're age 23 or older and married. I've got both of those criteria covered. I think I'm gonna enter."

Chris frowned. Having spent a decade working with celebrities in LA he knew what a disaster this was going to be.

* * *

**Thompson house, a few days later...**

Kevin, Jim, Mack and Chuck were sitting on the front porch drinking beer and talking. Kevin, as usual, was also chainsmoking Marlboro cigarettes. They saw Chris pull up in his truck. Chris and Lindy exited. As Chris joined the guys on the Thompson's porch Lindy made her way to Casa Carbone next door.

Handing his brother a beer, Jim asked "What's going on, Chris?"

Chris said "Turning 41's made Lindy really insecure. She entered the Mrs. Lawndale pageant to prove to herself that she can still turn heads."

Mack said "Did she find out about the mistress?"

Chris shook his head. "No. In fact, I broke it off with my _comare _last month. I just couldn't handle doing another woman behind Lindy's back anymore. Damn conscience."

Jim said "You know, Quinn's not gonna cut your wife a break just because they're friends and we're brothers."

"I know," said Chris, "Lindy just wants Quinn to recommend a stylist."

Kevin said "I'm lucky. I've got a wife who tortures herself daily to stay hot for me. In fact, she and Daryl are at the gym right now."

**Meanwhile, at an apartment building on Dega Street...**

Brittany: (VO, from building) "Oh...yes...YES...OHGODDARYLYES...GIVEITTOME..."

**Back at the Thompson house...**

Kevin said "Yeah, she loves me enough to let Daryl torture her. I have the perfect marriage."

The other guys give Kevin a pitying look. He just doesn't get it.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...**

Quinn and Lindy were in the kitchen having tea. Lindy has just informed Quinn of her intentions.

"Lindy," said Quinn, "You know I can't cut you a break just because you're my sister-in-law."

Lindy said "I know, that's not why I'm here. See, I need a stylist for this. Can you recommend anyone?"

Quinn asked "What's wrong with Sandi? She'd like a chance to relive some of her former glory by giving you a makeover."

Lindy explained "With everything she's been through lately I think Sandi's time is better spent working on herself instead of me."

Quinn immediately saw her point.

"So, you know anyone?" Lindy asked again.

Quinn answered "There is one person."

* * *

**A large house in the Crewe Neck gated community, later that day...**

Lindy was in the living room talking with former Lawndale High Cheerleader Lauren D'Angelo.

"I'd love to," the seventeeen year old said excitedly, "After all, now that I'm not a cheerleader anymore I need something to do after school."

"Great," said Lindy.

Lauren said "I can't wait to get started."

Lindy smirked. _Mrs. Lawndale title, here I come._

* * *

**Le Grande Hotel, the next day...**

Lindy and Lauren were seated in the ballroom with all of the other contestants. On stage an attractive woman was at the podium.

The woman at the podium said "Welcome, all. Now, before we get started with rehearsals I'd like to ask anyone not affiliated with the Mrs. Lawndale Pageant to please leave the room."

Sandi immediately got up from her chair and walked away in a huff. As soon as she was gone the woman at the podium continued with the introduction.

"Alright, then. Allow me to introduce last year's Mrs. Lawndale, Allison Vandermeade."

Everyone applauded as Allison walked on stage. Mrs. Vandermeade was an incredibly attractive blonde with a flawless face and a perfect body that had curves in all the right places (especially her chest). She wore a form fitting business suit with a sash that read "Mrs. Lawndale" and a jeweled tiara over her head.

Once at the podium, Allison said "This past year has been an incredible, magical and eye-opening journey for me. In a few days, I will add sad to that list of words as I hand my crown and sash over to the next Mrs. Lawndale. Now..."

Lindy eyed Allison and had just one thought. _The next Mrs. Lawndale...Linda "Lindy" Carbone._

* * *

**Later...**

After the lectures and the speeches the contestants are mingling with each other. Lindy was talking to an attractive brunette named Jessica.

"No way!" said Lindy in wide-eyed shock.

Jessica said "I know. Thanks to Dr. Shar I'm 30 and don't look a day over nineteen. So, Lindy, what do you do?"

Lindy said "Well, Jessica, I run an interior design business with my husband."

Jessica's eyes lit up in recognition. "You remodeled my living room last year. That was some top notch work."

"Thanks," said Lindy, "So, what do you do?"

Jessica said "I teach science at Lawndale High."

Lindy said "How could you afford our services on a teacher's salary!?"

"Easy" said Jessica, "My husband's the CEO of Northeast Mutual."

Lindy looked at Jessica with a hint of jealousy.

**Later...**

Lindy is now talking to a fellow blonde, Tori Sloan, nee Jerhico.

"Yeah," said Tori, "But I don't miss being a gossip columnist. I married into the Sloane's."

Lindy said "So, your husband's a CEO."

Tori smiled "Tom Sloan, of Grace, Sloan and Paige."

**Later still...**

Lindy is talking to a raven haired beauty.

"No," said the contestant, "I don't work, but I have six kids. That's a full time job in and of itself. Do you have any children?"

"One," said Lindy, "A boy named Jason."

The contestant asked "Is he in college now?"

Offended by the insinuation, Lindy said "He's ten months old."

The contestant said "So he's adopted."

"Excuse me!?" Lindy practically hissed.

The contestant said "Sorry, I didn't know you could still have children in your fifties."

VERY offended, Lindy growled "I'm forty one."

The contestant gasped in shock.

**Even later still...**

Lindy is talking to a blonde contestant who looks like she's still in school. Not only does this woman look to young but her boobs are obviously surgically enhanced.

The blonde said "...so right now I'm majoring in philosophy."

In a catty tone, Lindy said "Well, that'll get you a nice job in a factory."

Giggling, the blonde said "That's what my mom always says too."

Rolling her eyes, Lindy said "You know you have to be at least 23 and married to participate in this contest, right?"

The blonde said "I'm 23 and married. My husband's name is Steve Taylor. He's sooooo cool. He paid for my new boobs."

Lindy sighed. The contestants include Brittany's latest Step-Mom.

Knowing what Steve Taylor's like, Lindy said "You know he's gonna divorce you after a few years, right."

Winking, the latest Mrs. Taylor said "Not if I leave him for a Hollywood stud first."

Lindy frowned. At this point she was approached by a visibly giddy Lauren.

"Guess what, Lindy?" said the excited teen, "I think I've found something better than cheerleading, being a pageant girl!"

Rolling her eyes, Lindy said "You know these women are all surgically enhanced bimdos, don't you?"

Not noticing the hostile tone, Lauren said "I know, isn't it awesome!? Guess what. Mrs. Vandermeade only has 8 percent body fat and it's all in her breasts. That is sooooo cool!"

Lindy could almost hear her self-esteem crash through the floor.

* * *

**Act II**

**New York City, the next day...**

Lindy and Lauren are in an office. Realizing that she needs an edge Lindy is turning to a sponsor. For expediency's sake she's turning to in laws, specifically Chris and Jim's uncle Vito.

Leering at Lauren, Vito said "I don't believe I ever met this lovely vision before."

Trying not to show how creeped out she is, Lauren introduced herself.

"Lauren D'Angelo. I'm a senior at Lawndale High."

Kissing her hand, Vito said "Che bella." After this he stood up. "So, what can I do for youse ladies?"

Lindy explained "Well, there's this beauty pageant coming up and..."

Vito cut her off. "Say no more...ASHLEY!"

A sexy, blonde twenty five year old woman entered the office. In a flirty tone she said "Yes, lov...I mean Mr. Carbone."

Vito said "I need you to write out a check for a thousand bucks, bab...I mean, Ashley."

Winking, Ashley said "Right away, sex...uh, I mean sir."

With that, Ashley left. As soon as she was gone Vito explained "My secretary," with a wink, he added "Among other things."

Lauren was visibly creeped out while Lindy was visibly disgusted.

Lindy asked "How's your wife?" in an accusing tone.

"She's good," said Vito, "Long as she don't know about my..._ahem_...relationship with Ashley."

Lauren turned to Lindy and asked "Is he always this much of a jerk?"

Lindy whispered back "You think Jim and Chris's uncle is bad you should meet their father."

Taking it in stride, Vito said "Yeah, Tony may be my brother but he's also a f$%&in' psycho." Vito then turned the subject back to business. "Anyway, I'm happy to help a lovely young woman achieve her beauty queen dreams."

"Thanks," said Lindy, "With your help I can win the Mrs. Lawndale beauty pageant."

Vito's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. "You!?" He turned to Lauren. "Then who the hell is she?"

Smiling proudly, Lauren said "Her stylist."

Vito immediately pressed the talk button on his intercom. "Ashley," he said in a panicked voice "Did you already send out the check!?"

Over the intercom, Ashley said "Yes, lover."

Vito looked like he was about to have a heart attack. "GOD-F$%&IN'-DAMMIT!"

* * *

**Lawndale, later that day...**

**Music:** "Cool For The Summer" by Demi Lovato

In the ballroom all of the contestants for the Mrs. Lawndale pageant are in gymnastics leotards rehearsing a dance routine for the show. While all the fit twenty-something trophy wives are keeping perfect time with the music the 41 year old Lindy is struggling to keep up. She's missing every move and at various points in the routine nearly falls over. Finally, they all strike a group pose as the song ends. While the other women time it with the last shout of "We're cool for the summer" Lindy misses and only gets into position after the music has stopped.

In the audience is the choreographer, a balding man in his sixties. He got up out of his chair and stood up. He obviously has stiff joints as he needs the aid of a cane to stand and walk.

Approaching the stage and speaking with a strong Russian accent, the choreographer said "Wonderful, my lovelies. Simply wonderful." He then scowled at Lindy. "Mrs. Carbones, thats was terribles."

He made his way up the stage. "Lindys, lets me shows you how its dones. You watch me." To the DJ, he said "Once mores from tops."

Lindy felt totally humiliated.

* * *

**Later...**

Rehersal's over and Lindy is feeling totally humiliated. She spotted Quinn nearby and felt a little better.

"Hey, Quinn."

Quinn saw her and smiled. "Hey, Lindy."

Approaching her friend, Lindy said "I can't believe this. More specifically, I can't believe I'M doing this."

Quinn admitted "I was surprised...and amazed. I never thought you'd participate in a beauty pageant."

Putting on a brave face, Lindy said "What can I say? I like to shake things up."

Giving her friend a curious look, Quinn asked "What do you mean by that?"

Doing her best to hide her discomfort, Lindy replied "Well, you know how most of the other contestants are so...so...typical."

With a raised eyebrow Quinn asked "Typical...how?"

"You know," said Lindy, "Physically perfect. Perfect bodies, perfect faces."

"Women like me." said Quinn in an accusing tone.

Lindy replied "I was trying to be polite about it."

Going into judge mode, Quinn asked "What kind of woman do YOU think should win?"

Sheepish, Lindy said "Well, a wife obviously. Someone who's a partner, not just a pretty face. Someone who's beauty resides more in their brain size than their bra size."

Quinn said "In other words, women like you."

Lindy blushed with embarrassment.

Quinn bluntly stated "I think women like you shouldn't try to compete with women like me. You'll always lose. It's not fair, but looks count for far more than personality when evaluating a woman's worth and that'll never change. In fact, any attempt to change it is doomed to fail."

Lindy now glared angrily at her friend. "Why are you being so nasty, Quinn?"

Quinn said "Because as a pageant judge I have a responsibility to judge ALL contestants primarily on looks." Quinn then softened her tone. "To be honest, Lindy, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to disrespect you or anything, but you must know that a woman like you has no chance of winning this."

Lindy sighed. "Quinn, I'll level with you. The reason I'm doing this is because I need to prove to myself that I'm still attractive at 41."

Dropping the judge facade and speaking as a friend, Quinn said "Lindy, you ARE attractive. The problem is that these women are supermodel attractive. Even I'd have a hard time competing with them. Lindy, I'm speaking as a friend here. I think you need to drop out before you suffer public humiliation."

Lindy looked like she was ready to cry. She turned around and began to shuffle off.

"Lindy?" said a now concerned Quinn.

Lindy just bitterly replied "Don't worry, Quinn, the ugly old hag won't bother you anymore."

Visibly hurt, Quinn called out "Lindy, wait!"

Lindy ignored her.

* * *

**Chris and Lindy's house, evening...**

Chirs and Lindy are sitting in bed. Lindy looked totally miserable. Chris made an attempt to cheer his wife up.

"Don't worry, Lindy," he said, "You'll win and we'll be driving in that Escalade in no time."

Lindy bitterly said "Yeah, right." With a sigh, she added "I might as well accept it, I'm too old to be attractive."

Chris said "No, you aren't. Lindy, the kinds of women who participate in pageants are attractive on a level well beyond what 99.9 percent of the female population are capable of achieving. So you aren't a twenty-something with a porn star body. So what?"

Suddenly angry, Lindy hissed "So that's why you've been cheating on me!?"

Chris's jaw dropped when he heard that. He was sure he'd been discreet.

"Yes, Chris," said Lindy, "I found out just last week. Your little bimbo called to lay into me for stealing her man. You've been cheating on me since the pregnancy and broke it off with her last month. THAT'S why turning 41 has been bothering me so much. THAT'S WHY I SIGNED UP FOR THAT STUPID PAGEANT! I WANTED PROFF I'M STILL ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, YOU WOMANIZING JERK!"

Chris protested "I DO love you, Lindy."

"Then why did you nail a slut behind my back!?"

With a sigh, Chris came clean.

"Look, Lindy," he said, "You became pregnant, but I was still a man with needs. I was just gonna use her to get my rocks off until we could go at it again."

Lindy hissed "Then why did you keep it up for nine months after Jason was born!?"

Chris said "Lindy, you're a WASP. You wouldn't understand."

Lindy growled "You couldn't keep it in your pants. What's not to understand?"

Chris explained "Lindy, you're the mother of my son. The purity of motherhood is a VERY big deal to us Italians. Treating you like a sexual being is disrespectful now."

Lindy's anger began to subside.

"Look," Chris went on, "When Jason was born we became a family. I still get just as turned on by you as I always have, but everytime I do now I feel guilty."

"Why?" asked Lindy, her anger rising again.

Chris said "Because now that we're a family being intimate with you feels like incest."

Lindy looked thoughtful as she remembered Quinn telling her Jim had a similar hang up after the triplets were born.

"Quinn told me Jim had the same issue," she said, "But they were able to work through it without Jim cheating."

Chris said "How?"

Lindy said "Ask Jim!"

Visibly uncomfortable, Chris said "Could you ask Quinn?"

Lindy hissed "Quinn and I are NOT on speaking terms, and...," she angrily got out of bed, taking a pillow with her, "...NEITHER ARE WE!"

Lindy stormed out of the bedrooom, slamming the door behind her as she left. Chris sat there as intense feelings of guilt washed over him.

* * *

**D'Angelo house, the next day...**

Lauren and Lindy are in the kitchen. Lauren was brushing Lindy's hair when she suddenly stopped.

"Uh-oh!"

Worried, Lindy asked "What do you mean 'uh-oh'?"

Lauren said "I just saw a gray hair in your brush."

Lindy looked ready to literally explode. "WHAT!?"

Handing Lindy the hairbrush, Lauren said "See for yourself."

Lindy looked at the gray hair and was absolutely mortified. "Lauren, you've gotta fix this!"

Lauren asked "How?"

Rolling her eyes, Lindy barked "Dye my hair, duh!"

Lauren said "But I don't know how to dye hair!"

Lindy said "Lauren, it's not hard. We just pick up some blonde hair dye at the drug store and you follow the instructions."

Lauren looked VERY uneasy.

* * *

**A few hours later...**

Lindy was angrily storming out of the house. Her hair was a tangled mess of orange and blue. Behind her, Lauren was crying.

"LINDY..._sob_...I..._sniff_...I'M SORRY..._choke_..."

Lindy angrily yelled "DON'T TALK TO ME, YOU F#$ MORON!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...**

Jim was in the front yard raking leaves when Chris's Chevy Silverado pulled into the driveway. Chris stepped out of the truck and walked over to Jim.

"Hey, Chris," said Jim.

Chris said "Hey, bro. Is Quinn here?"

Knowing that Lindy's in the pageant, Jim suspiciously asked "Why do you wanna talk to Quinn?"

Chris said "Come on, Jim. We're brothers and our wives are old friends."

Knowing where this is going, Jim said "She's not gonna cut Lindy a break."

Chris said "Could you convince her to change her mind?"

Jim said "Yes, but then I'd have to find a new place to live."

Chris bitterly said "Join the club. Lindy knows about the comare."

Jim patiently explained "I figured that's the case. Why else would Lindy suddenly be so insecure about both her looks and her age."

"Come on, Jim," Chris begged, "Please?"

Jim flatly said "No."

Chris hung his head and sighed.

* * *

**Le Grand Hotel, the next day...**

Lauren was in the backstage area as the contestants were preparing for another rehearsal. She instantly saw another woman working on Lindy. Suspicious, Lauren approached.

"Lindy, what's going on? Who's she?"

Lindy coldly said "My stylist."

Lauren said "But...I'm your stylist!?"

Lindy hissed "Not after yesterday's screw up you aren't." Pointing to the ruined hair, Lindy barked "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY HAIR!"

Almost in tears, Lauren said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It was my first dye job."

"Sorry doesn't cut it!" Lindy barked, "YOU'RE FIRED!"

Lauren ran off crying. Once that was done, Lindy turned back to her new stylist.

"So," said Lindy as she pointed to her hair, "Can you fix this?"

In a fake British accent, the stylist said "This will be my greatest challenge ever."

Lindy frowned. _Now I feel like crying too._

* * *

**Act III**

**Chris and Lindy's house, day...**

Vito was visiting Chris and they were looking over some photos of Lindy. Neither of them liked the way these 'beauty' shots had turned out.

"You know," said Vito, "I can't believe this is how your wife's reacting to you getting your rocks off."

With a sigh, Chris said "I know. I'm gonna be lucky if she doesn't divorce my ass. Beat case scenario is I'll have to spend the next several years on a VERY short leash."

Vito said "I just hope she wins this thing. After all, this is the most money I've ever spent on a woman without getting laid."

"Don't worry, Uncle Vito," said Chris, "You're not the one who stands to lose his marriage, job, home and son over this."

Vito looked at the shots of Lindy once again and frowned. "She could've at least smiled."

Looking at the pictures, Chris said "She is smiling, Uncle Vito."

* * *

**Meanwhile, on Bealer Street...**

**Music:** "All The Small Things" by Blink-182

Sandi is driving her Mustang home. For those who may remember, this is the same car that Lisa stole when she left Sandi last spring. Fortunately, while Lisa was never seen again the car was found abandoned by the side of the road the next day. Now, Sandi's driving and singing along with the radio.

"All the...small things...truth cares...truth brings...always...I know...You'll be...at my show..."

Sandi pulled her car into the driveway at her house. As she stepped out she saw Lindy's car pull into the driveway of Casa Carbone, which is directly across the street. As Lindy stepped out Sandi gasped in shock.

Lindy's hair was blonde once again and looked expertly done. She's also been given makeup that also appeared to be expertly done. Lindy was wearing a form fitting gown with silver sequins. The gown had slits along both sides that showed black stocking clad legs and high heeled sandals. The gown also had a low v-neck which, combined with push-up cups made Lindy's breasts appear larger and more supple. As Lindy walked toward the house Sandi stared at the back of the gown, actually lack thereof, and admired Lindy's smooth back and now unnaturally shapely ass. As Lindy entered Jim and Quinn's house Sandi, who's bisexual, sighed.

"I...I'm in love!"

* * *

**A few minutes later...**

Lindy and Quinn were talking in the kitchen. Quinn was amazed at Lindy's newly made over look.

"Wow!"

With a triumphant grin, Lindy said "Still think I'm old and ugly."

Visibly hurt, Quinn said "I never said, nor meant to imply, that. I only said that I didn't think you were the pageant type, and not once did I say that was a bad thing."

Lindy, in an icy voice, said "Well, now you've been proven wrong."

Quinn now said "Lindy, why are you doing this? I'm asking now as a concerned friend, not a pageant guest judge."

With a sigh, Lindy admitted "Chris cheated on me."

Quinn's eyes went wide. "Oh, Lindy! I'm so sorry."

Lindy went on. "He started cheating after I became pregnant with Jason."

"Is he still cheating?" Quinn asked.

Lindy shook her head. "He broke it off with the other woman last month. When I finally confronted him about it he told me he only did it because the fact that I'm now the mother of his child made sex with me feel wrong."

Quinn nodded in understanding. "Jim had the same issue when the boys were born."

"I remember you telling me. Did he...?" asked Lindy.

Shaking her head, Quinn said "No, but after I recovered from giving birth and was ready to have sex again Jim started rejecting my advances. I asked him what was wrong and he basically told me the same thing Chris told you."

Lindy said "But he didn't cheat on you?"

"No," said Quinn, "He said he cares too much about me to ever do that." Seeing Lindy's expression, Quinn went on "That doesn't mean Chris loves you any less. Jim's different from the rest of his family in that he actually thinks about the consequences before he acts. Most of the time, anyway."

Lindy asked "How did you and Jim get past this, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Not at all," said Quinn, "I reminded him that taboo can be a turn on. He got over it by basically allowing himself to be turned on by forbidden fruits. Whenever he felt bad about still seeing me in a sexual light I just patiently reminded him that I actually find it flattering that he's physically attracted to me and he has nothing to be ashamed of."

Lindy now looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Chris and Lindy's house...**

Lauren is in the kitchen with a malicious look on her face. She approached the sink with one of Lindy's shirts in her hand. She held it over the garbage disposal when...

"What the hell are you doing here!?"

Startled, Lauren turned around to find Chris standing right behind her.

"You know," said Chris, "Yesterday you showed up claiming you left something here. This morning I had to remove remnants of one of my wife's shoes from the garbage disposal. I'm starting to think that wasn't a coincidence."

Knowing she's busted, Lauren said "I'm sorry. It's just...well...it really hurt when she fired me as her stylist, you know. I...I was just so mad. I'm still mad at her."

Nodding in understanding, Chris said "I get it, Lauren, but sneaking into our home to even the score by destroying her things, in addition to being illegal, is petty and childish."

Lauren said nothing but hung her head in shame.

"Try to see it from her point of view," Chris went on, "Lindy's been feeling really insecure lately, for reasons I won't get into, and she sees this pageant as a way to prove to herself that she's still desireable. Lindy's basing her whole self-esteem on whether or not she wins this. Now, she has to either drop out or go on and most likely lose. Either way, it's going to do irrepairable damage to her sense of self worth." With a sigh, he added "The worst part is that this is actually my fault."

"How?" asked Lauren.

Not wanting to re-hash all of the details, Chris said "Because I took her for granted. I should've just ignored my own hang ups and given my wife the love and attention she deserves. Now she not only thinks she's losing her looks she also thinks I don't love her anymore."

Even though she didn't say it, Lauren knew from her own experiences with Ultra that infidelity was involved. "You know what you need to do?" she said, "You need to sweep your wife off her feet with a romantic gesture and spend every day of the rest of your life proving that you knew what you did was wrong and that you'll never do it again. As for these 'hang ups', ignore them. You and Lindy are consenting adults and if you both want it you shouldn't think twice about giving it to each other."

The forty-something man and teenage-girl exchange looks of mutual understanding.

"You know," he said, "You can be surprisingly wise for your seventeen years."

They shook hands and Lauren left while Chris stood there looking thoughtful.

* * *

**Le Grande Hotel...**

Lindy is in a dressing room trying to squeeze into the gown.

_Now I know why corsets went out of style._

The stylist now frowned. "We have a problem. Your butt sheeks won't stay in place. VITO!"

Vito came in. "What's wrong?"

Lindy said "My butt's sagging."

The stylist added "We need duct tape."

Vito said "Regular or industrial grade?" A moment later, he said "Aw, hell. I'm already three grand in the hole, what's another two bucks."

* * *

**A short time later...**

The contestants are making their way across the parking lot to the hotel ballroom. Lindy looks incredibly uncomfortable.

_Dammit, Lindy_ she thought to herself, _Don't choke now._

Suddenly there was a loud ripping sound.

_OH, NO! _Lindy thought as she felt her right ass cheek sag down. _Vito, you cheap ass!_

Lindy tapped one of the other contestants on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but do you have any duct tape."

With a pitying look, the contestant said "No, but I should probably let you know that you forgot your shoes."

Gasping in horror, Lindy looked down at her feet to see not only had she forgotten her shoes but the pantyhose were all torn.

_No!_ Lindy hysterically thought, _My God...NO!_

As Lindy started to break a panicked sweat the contestant in front of her said "Okay, and now your makeup's starting to smudge."

Lindy started to hyperventilate when a brand new Cadillac Escalade pulled up right next to them. It was the same model being offered as the grand prize in the pageant.

"Lindy," said Chris as he emerged from the driver's side.

"Chris!" Lindy gasped in shock.

Running up to his wife, Chris said "I figured you deserved this, so I went ahead and bought it for you."

Lindy just stood there with a puzzled expression on her face.

"Look," said Chris, "You deserve this, whether you win the pageant or not. I don't deserve you, Lindy. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you and I always will. Even if you lost your looks, which you most certainly haven't, I'd still love you. That mother complex was my problem, and I was wrong to make it yours. I...I should've told you about my issues from the beginning so we could deal with them together, like a husband and wife are supposed to. Lindy, I love you and it pains me to no end to know how much I've hurt you. I don't deserve you, but if you give me another chance then I swear on everything I hold sacred I'll never hurt you like this again. I'll always treat you like the goddess you are."

Lindy stood there and stared at her husband.

"Lindy," said Chris, "I want us to be together forever and whatever you decide I'll always love you and whether you forgive me or not my actions from now on will always reflect that. I'll do whatever it takes to fix the damage I've caused."

Lindy now smiled as tears of joy streamed down her face.

"Chris," she said, "I forgive you."

With that, they kissed. The other people all clapped as they were moved by Chris's display of genuine sorrow for the pain he caused and his sincere desire to make it up to his wife.

After the kiss, Lindy said "Screw this, let's just go."

They both entered the Escalade and drove off.

* * *

**Inside the SUV, a few seconds later...**

As Chris drove he and Lindy were talking.

"So," said Lindy, "You convinced Quinn and Jim to take Jason for the whole weekend."

Chris said "This way we can work on my issues without any distractions."

Lindy said "What if I'd decided not to forgive you?"

"Then," said Chris, "I would've spent the weekend alone and miserable, deservedly so."

Lindy smiled. "Chris, about this mother complex of yours."

Chris said "I'll let you know if I start feeling weirded out so you can knock some sense into me. So, home or someplace else?"

Lindy immediately undid the top of her gown. "What do you think, stud?"

* * *

**The quarry, later...**

The Escalade was rocking violently.

Chris: (VO, from SUV) "Ugh...ugh...you...are...a...goddess..."

Lindy: (VO, from SUV) "SHUT UP...GIVEITTOME...YES...YES...YES..."

* * *

**Epilogue**

**Chris and Lindy's house, a few days later...**

Lindy was sitting in the kitchen while Lauren stood over her. Lindy had agreed to help Lauren improve her hair dying skills. Lauren unwrapped the towel from Lindy's hair.

"EEP!"

Lindy's hair was neon green.

"Well?" asked Lindy.

With a sigh, Lauren held up a mirror.

After taking a deep breath to calm herself, Lindy said "It's okay, Lauren. We'll work through this. In the mean time let's take a break."

Frowning, Lauren said "Okay."

As soon as Lindy wasn't looking Lauren's frown turned into a huge smile.

_Payback's a bitch!_

* * *

**Next Time**

Tony and Jennifer crash Thanksgiving dinner. Jim feels torn between love for his mother and fear of his father.


	11. Market Value

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 40**

**"Market Value"**

**written by**

**WildDogJJ**

**Casa Carbone, day...**

It's Thanksgiving and Jim and Kevin are standing in the driveway enjoying the cool November air.

"I love Thanksgiving," said Kevin, "You get to, like, totally stuff your face then burp and poop all you want. It's awesome."

Jim said "I can think of several things to be thankful for this year. I'm thankful that I drive a Camaro ZL1. I'm thankful that you, me, Chuck and Mack are gonna be in a focus group on Black Friday to give General Motors valueble feedback. I'm especially thankful that this year it's Mom's turn to spend Thanksgiving with us. My father always finds a way to make family gatherings a nightmare."

Kevin asked "So, your Mom's here?"

Jim nodded. "Mom's such a great guest. She helps out, she never complains, she gets along great with everyone."

Kevin asked "Who else you have over this year?"

Jim said "Well, this year Chris and Lindy are spending Thanksgiving with her mother and Quinn's parents are on another cruise while Daria is spending it with Jane and her family so it's just me, Quinn, the boys, Sandi and Mom."

Kevin said "How come you never told me Sandi's your cousin?"

Jim explained "Because I didn't find out myself until last spring."

Kevin stared blankly at Jim.

"Never mind," said Jim, "I'm just glad it's Mom's turn to spend Thanksgiving with us. Dad's really been getting on everyone's nerves lately."

No sooner has Jim finished saying that when Tony's 1969 GTO comes racing up the street. It pulled into Jim's driveway and stopped. Tony emerged from the driver's side while Jennifer came out the passenger side.

Taking one look at Kevin, Tony barked "Have you actually gotten fatter, fatty?"

Kevin said "Sir, yes, sir. Nice to see you, Sergeant Major."

"Dad," said Jim, "What are you doing here!?"

Tony barked "It's Thanksgiving and I'm hungry."

Jim said "Dad, this year was Mom's turn to spend Thanksgiving with us."

Tony said "I'm making up for not being here last year."

Jim said "Because last year you wanted to spend Thanksgiving with your buddies at the VFW."

Tony said "Well, now I'm spending it here and..." he put his mouth right to Jim's ear, "...YOU WILL F$%&ING TAKE IT, YOU GODDAMNED FAGGOT! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?"

Jim didn't answer so Tony got in his face.

"I SAID DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, YOU PUSSY ASS WASTE OF SPERM!"

Jim said "But, Dad, Mom's here."

"No problem," said Tony as he moderated his tone, "I don't wanna cause any trouble. Your used up bitch of a mother can eat in the back yard. JENNIFER, GET MY BAGS WOMAN!"

Jennifer got the luggage out of the car while Tony made his way into the house. Jim has a sinking feeling.

* * *

**The dinning room, a short time later...**

Jim and Quinn were setting the table. Quinn was visibly upset by the fact that Tony and Jennifer have decided to crash Thanksgiving dinner.

Jim said "Now, in addition to the stuff we usually don't talk about in front of Dad I don't want him to know that while we're at The Mall Of The Millenium tomorrow I'm participating in a focus group."

"Jim," said Quinn, "How can you even think about that right now!? Your father's here and determined to ruin Thanksgiving!"

Trying to be upbeat, Jim said "Well, maybe this year he'll behave himself."

Quinn gave her husband a 'who are you kidding' look.

"Well, okay," said Jim, "But whatever you do, don't mention the focus group."

Deciding to change the subject, Quinn said "Okay. While you're in the focus group tomorrow I'll get a head start on Christmas shopping while Sandi keeps the boys distracted. By the way, I want us all on the road five in the morning."

Jim's eyes go wide.

"Dammit, Quinn," he whined, "I haven't woken up that early since Dad stopped subjecting me to morning PT drills!"

Quinn said "Jim, the Mall Of The Millenium is a two hour drive and it's Black Friday. If we aren't the first ones in when they open those doors all the good stuff will be sold out."

Jim sighed.

* * *

**Later...**

Everyone was seated at the table for Thanksgiving dinner. Tony sat at one end while Jim sat at the other. Jim was saying Thanksgiving grace.

"...and we thank you, God, for Dad forgeting our carefully worked out parent rotation system so that we could all spend this year together as a family." He makes a sign of the cross as he continues, "In name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen."

Everyone else makes a sign of the cross and says "Amen".*

*(the Carbones are Catholic)

The whole family started to eat.

"You know," said Sandi, "I'm really looking forward to going to the Mall Of The Millenium this year."

Tony hissed "You would, you ACDC! Memories of your pre-dyke days are the only thing you got going for you, you worthless switch hitting slut. You couldn't even hold on to your husband. No wonder my half-sister disowned you."

Sandi starts to cry as Quinn stares daggers at Tony.

"Tony, how could you!?"

Tony said "Easy. I just told her the truth, she's a worthless bitch!"

Tony then took a bite of turkey and immediately spat it out.

"THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT! GINA, DID YOU MAKE THIS!?"

Gina tried to ignore her ex-husband as Quinn angrily said "I made it, and I'll thank you not to insult the boys grandmother in front of them."

Smiling, Gina said "Thank you, Quinn."

Tony barked "Gina's not the boys grandmother, Jennifer is."

Teddy snarked "Despite her being four years younger than our father."

Tony points his knife at Teddy.

"DON'T TALK BACK!"

Quinn hissed at Tony "And YOU don't dare threaten my kids!"

Ignoring Quinn, Tony said "I ever tell you about the time Gina tried to poison me with tainted veal?"

Remembering the incident, Gina protested "It was Veal Marsala, Tony. Nothing more."

Tony ominously said "It was cyanide, you two faced c #$! Doesn't surprise me, though, you were always a shit cook."

Jim nervously said "Dad, I like Mom's cooking."

"DON'T BACKTALK ME, YOU F$%&ING WASTE OF SEMEN!"

Jim immediately shut up on pure reflex.

Continuing his rant, Tony said "Yeah, she never could satisfy me. Still, as bad as Gina was in the kitchen SHE WAS EVEN WORSE IN THE BEDROOM!"

Everyone gasped in shock when Tony said that. One could now hear a pin drop.

"What!?" said Tony, "I'm saying Gina was lousy in the sack. I'm not kidding. Sex with her was like f$& a dry sack of rotten potatoes."

Gina now felt humiliated while Jim buried his face in his hands out of embarrassment. What everyone noticed was Jim being unwilling to stand up for his mother out of fear of his father.

* * *

**The master bedroom, later that evening...**

Jim and Quinn were getting ready to go to sleep.

Jim said "Sorry about my Dad."

Quinn curtly said "Jim, your father barged in here uninvited and spent dinner insulting everyone, including your mother."

"I know," said Jim, "I'm just glad the worst is over." _I hope._

With a frustrated sigh, Quinn said "Let's just go to sleep. The sooner we do that the sooner I can start pretending this Thanksgiving never happened."

At this point there's a knock on the door.

"Come in." said Quinn.

Gina entered.

"Quinn, I just wanted to thank you for the lovely meal and apologise for my ex-husbands insults."

Touched, Quinn said "Thanks, Gina. Also, you don't have to apologise. Tony's the one who owes an apology."

Smiling, Gina said "Goodnight, Quinn."

Quinn said "Goodnight, Gina."

Gina next turned to Jim and scowled. In a hostile tone she said "Goodnight...son."

With that, she left. His mother's hostile tone sailed completely over Jim's head.

"Mom took it well."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "You didn't hear the hurt tone in her voice, did you?"

Jim said "If Mom were upset with me she'd say so."

Quinn rolled her eyes again. _Even a guy as smart as Jim can be so clueless when it comes to how women communicate_.

"Jim," she said, "You defend Chan Wang more than you defend your mother."

Jim said "Come on, Quinn. Mom knows how it is with Dad."

"Ugh!"

* * *

**Early the next morning...**

It was still dark when Quinn, Jim, the boys, Gina, Tony and Jennifer exit the house and make their way to the cars. Sandi approached from across the street.

"Ready?" Sandi asked.

Quinn said "Okay, Sandi, remember the plan. You keep the boys distracted while I shop for their Christmas presents."

Meanwhile, Tony blurts out "I hope me and Jennifer didn't keep everyone up last night. That's having a hot young wife for yas."

He sniffed the air in Gina's direction.

"Damn, I forgot how much old used up c$%&s stink!"

Visibly offended, Gina walked up to Sandi.

"Sandi, can I trade places with you?"

Sandi nodded in agreement. With that, Quinn, Gina and the boys got in Quinn's Cadillac while Jim, Sandi, Tony and Jennifer got in Jim's Camaro.

* * *

**Pennsylvania, two hours later...**

Jim's Camaro was heading west on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Inside, Jim is driving while Tony rides in the front and Sandi and Jennifer ride in the back. Tony glares menacingly at his son. Jim doesn't have really long hair, his brown hair only long enough to touch his ears. However, since Tony considers anything longer than a military buzz long he thinks this is a hippie haircut.

"Goddammit, Jim," Tony barked, "When are you gonna get a haircut, you f #$ing hippie!?"

Jim sighed "Dad, this hairstyle is pretty conservative by todays standards."

Tony said "Only because communist peaceniks are ruining this country with their freedom hating touchie feelie crap. Back in the ninties we even had a draft dodging pothead in the White House...and don't even get me started on the freedom hating n$%%&^ Obama!"

Jim pleaded "Can we PLEASE talk about something else?"

"Good idea," said Tony, "We can talk about how your mother's all frumpy and used up."

Jim sighed. This car ride can't end soon enough.

* * *

**Mall Of The Millenium, later...**

They are all gathered at the entrance.

Quinn said "Okay, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy, I want you three to stick with Aunt Sandi while I go look for the place to drop off your lists for Santa."

Tommy and Timmy look excited while Teddy rolls his eyes. While Tommy and Timmy still believe in Santa Claus Teddy was still in diapers when he figured out how it really works.

Jim, not wanting his father or Jennifer to know that he's participating in a focus group, lied and said "I'm gonna head off and buy surprise gifts for everyone."

Tony said "Well, I'm off to Football World. Wanna see if they got the new NFL Cheerleaders Lingerie Calender in."

As they all head off in their own directions Sandi turns her attention to the three T's.

"Okay, boys," she said, "If anyone asks I'm your mother and your father is a deadbeat junkie who ran out on us. Got it?"

Timmy asked "Why do you want us to lie, Aunt Sandi?"

"Yeah," said Tommy, "What gives?"

With a roll of his eyes Teddy explained "She wants to pick up guys and hopes to score sympathy points by claiming to be a down on her luck single parent."

* * *

**The mall offices, a short time later...**

Jim is walking to the conference room where the focus group is gonna be. He sees Mack approach from the opposite direction.

"Ready?" Jim asked.

Mack answered "You bet."

They enter the conference room. Inside is a huge table, a large mirror and a covered riding mower in the corner. That mower is the product they're going to be reviewing. Three other members of the focus group are already there. One is a thirty-something man in a business suit with slick, black hair, a spray tan and lots of bling. Jim and Mack are dismayed to find that the other two are Angela Li and Chan Wang.

"Well, well," said Chain, "It leftover turkeys."

"Chan!" said Jim, "Oh, God! You're here!"

With a smirk, Chan said "I like Visa Card, I everywhere you want to be, stupid loser."

Jim and Mack take their seats and try there best to ignore him. Suddenly, Chuck and Kevin run in and take their seats. Both Mack and Jim notice the worried looks on their faces.

"What's wrong?" asked Mack.

Kevin said "Nothings wrong, Mack-Daddy." in a tone that strongly indicates otherwise.

Mack groaned "Something is wrong...and quit calling me that."

Jim gives Chuck a piercing look.

"Okay," Chuck admitted, "We ran into your father on the way here."

Kevin said "Dude, I was just being nice to the Sergeant Major."

Pointing to Kevin, Chuck explained "Genius here blabbed about the focus group to your father, Jim."

Jim's eyes go wide.

"Oh, God!"

He runs to the door, hoping to close it before Tony shows up. Just as he's about to close the door Tony's right there.

"Okay, Dad," said a very nervous Jim, "You probably wouldn't be interested in this, so..."

Tony shoves Jim aside and barges in.

"Out of my way, pussy!"

Tony takes a seat at the table. Jim gulps with dread as he now has to spend four hours locked in a room with Chan, Li AND Tony.

* * *

**Act II**

**Mall Of The Millenium...**

Kevin, Mack, Jim, Chuck, Tony, Rev. Li, Chan and the guy with too much jewelry are seated at a conference table. At the head of the table sits a skinny red haired man in a business suit with a laptop.

The red haired man said "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alvin Lloyd of FutureVision Marketing. My job will be to unveil the latest model GM vehicle and report back on your opinions to the General Motors Corporation. Now, before we begin I'd like you all to tell me your names, what you do and a little about yourselves." He turns to the man with jewelry and slick hair. "Let's start with you."

In a New York/New Jersey accent, the man said "My name's Frank Colombino. I currently run Colombino Cheverolet, Colombino Ford, Colombino Toyota and I may soon be running Colombino Cadillac." With a sigh, Frank added "My father's not doing so well."

Kevin said "Dude, I thought I recognized you. You sold me a Hummer!"

Turning to Kevin, Mr. Lloyd said "And you are?"

"Kevin Thompson. I'm a freelance clown, former bounty hunter and I used to be the QB at Lawndale High. I've got a super hot wife who's, like, totally devoted to me and five great kids. One of my kids is even black. I'm such a badass I actually produced a black kid. Pretty cool, huh?"

Everyone else from Lawndale frowns as they all know the reason Kevin Jr.'s black is because his real father's Daryl.

Mack said "I'm Michael MacKenzie, but everyone calls me Mack. I'm the owner and manager of MacKenzie Automotive in Lawndale, New Jersey. In my free time I like to hang out with the guys and seduce beautiful women. I've probably slept with half the single ladies in town by now." _Unlike a certain fitness coach who prefers seducing married women._

Chan said "My name Chan Wang. I senior data anaylist for Grace, Sloan and Paige. I immigrate from China thirteen year ago and work so hard that now I on waiting list for exclusive contry club, unlike lazy white neighbors."

Jim, Chuck and even Kevin groan as they know that last line was a dig at them.

Chuck said "My name is Charles Ruttheimer The Third. I'm the founder of Feisty IT. I have two great kids and my wife's a local news anchor. She's also very...grrrrr, feisty...in the bedroom."

Rev. Li said "My name is Angela Li. I used to be the principal of Lllllllaaawwwnnnnndale High. Since becoming a born-again Christian I've founded the Lawndale Fellowship Of Christ's Kingdom and remain the senior pastor to this day." Her voice now takes on a saddened tone. "Although, I've recently lost my faith after an immersion baptism went tragically wrong." Pounding her fist on the table, she added "Dammit, why didn't they tell me that boy had epilepsy!?"

Jim said "My name's Jim Carbone, but some of you may know me as Jim The Car Guy from YouTube. I..."

Tony interrupted "He's unemployed! He mooches off his wife!"

Jim said "No, Dad, I..."

"UNEMPLOYED!"

"Now, Dad..."

"MOOCHES OFF HIS WIFE! Now, my name is Anthony Carbone. Currently, I'm retired. Before that I was in the Army from 1962 to 1987 and a detective with the NYPD from 1987 to 2011. My proudest accomplishment is killing a hundred commies in 'Nam." Pointing to Jim, he continued "My biggest regret is wasting a shot of man juice to create this loser."

Jim groaned. "Now, Dad..."

"WASTE OF MAN JUICE!"

Jim sighed.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at another part of the mall...**

The three T's are riding the indoor roller coaster while Sandi is chatting up a very handsome guy in an Armani suit. This guy has a perfectly chisled face, dark blonde hair and a very endearing smile.

"Yeah, it's hard," said Sandi, "I mean, their father is such a loser. I was young and stupid. He just took off on us and stole half my valuables to pay for more drugs."

Sympathetic, the guy said "I'm so sorry."

Sandi said "Don't be, it's for the best that their loser father's no longer in the picture. Still, I miss certain things. Don't get me wrong, my sons are the light of my life and I love them more than anything. I'm also glad my loser of an ex is gone. Still, those boys are no substitute for having a good man in my life."

Sensing an 'in', the guy said "You know, if you're not doing anything next weekend maybe I could take you out to dinner sometime."

"I'd like that."

The guy writes his contact information on a piece of paper and hands it to Sandi. She smiles as her 'attractive single mother' act has reeled one in.

* * *

**At the focus group meeting...**

Mr. Lloyd is walking over to the covered car.

"Alright," he said, "Now, the moment we've all been waiting for.." He grabs the sheet covering the new car, "I present..." he pulls the sheet back, "...The Chevy 3000!"

The car is a mini-van that has a futuristic neon purple paint job. Inside, the seats look like luxury recliners. The control panel is a touch screen and there's no steering wheel but a microphone. While everyone else gasps in awe Jim gasps in horror.

Mr. Lloyd said "This is a state of the suburban utility vehicle. It's made of space age ceramics, has touch screen controls, built-in WiFi, voice activated steering, an automatic seat warmer, electric motor fueled by state of the art power cells, a 360-degree turning radius and smart sensors that automatically kick in when obstructions are in the vehicle's path. All for a base price of $60,000.00."

Horrified, Jim said "That's not a car, it's a carnival ride. What the hell!?"

Chan said "I totally in love with this car! It melt my heart just to look at it!" For emphasis, Chan even wipes a stray tear from his cheek.

Mr. Lloyd asked "What do you like most about the car, Mr. Wang?"

Smirking, Chan said "That my idiot neighbor Jim hate it."

Jim said "Trust me, Mr. Lloyd, that's the only reason he likes the 3000. The rest of us don't."

Mr. Colombino, the car dealer that he is, said "I can see potential with this baby. It have any add ons? As a car dealer, I know that's where the real money is."

Mr. Lloyed said "Extras include a built-in vaccum cleaner that automatically self cleans when you shut the car off, YouTube, Instagram, internet explorer and retractable shade and AC also cost extra. There's also built in Sirius/XM Radio. Basically, with the fully loaded version you can just relax while the car does the work."

Mr. Colombino said "I'm sold. This car is the ultimate machine."

Jim said "Dammit, you don't do all that stuff while driving."

Chuck said "Jim, I have to disagree with you. This car is perfect. Especially since people who use it will need IT maintenance. I look at this baby and see dollar signs. The Chevy 3000 is...grrr, feisty!"

Mr. Lloyd said "Hmmm...We should use that as a slogan in the commercials."

"Judas!" said Jim. He then turns to Mack. "You've got my back, right? You know the value of a good, old fashioned machine."

Mack said "Actually, Jim, I like this car. Having a seat warmer is a huge plus for me."

Tony said "I like the car. It's got curves in all the right places, like a sexy trophy wife. Jim's Camaro is like a dumpy starter wife. But, what should I expect from a loser who mooches off his wife."

Jim said "Now, Dad.."

"LOSER!"

"Hold on..."

"MOOCHES OFF HIS WIFE!"

"Dad, about my career AND my Camaro..."

"DUMPY STARTER!"

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Dad, you can't judge a car using the same criteria as when YOU judge a woman."

Tony got right in Jim's face and barked "Of course you don't like it! You always gotta contradict me, you f$%&ing ingrate. If I like something, like this car, you automatically hate it. If I hate something, like your mother, you have to like it all that much more."

Mr. Lloyd asked "And what do you think of the new car, Reverend Li?"

Rev. Li doesn't answer as she appears to be deep in thought.

"Reverend Li?"

This suddenly snaps her back to reality.

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO DROWN THAT BOY, I SWEAR!"

Mr. Colombino asked her "What?"

Rev. Li confessed "I swear, I didn't know he was epileptic. It was just supposed to be a routine baptism. He started having a fit. I thought demons were trying to possess him so I held the boy under to drive out the minions of Hell. I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS JUST HAVING AN EPILEPTIC FIT! By the time I knew what a mistake I'd made there was a dead child in my arms."

Putting a hand on her shoulder, Mr. Colombino said "That's horrible. You know what'll help?"

Almost in tears, Rev. Li shook her head.

Mr. Colombino explained "How about after this we head over to my dealership and I put you behind the wheel of a brand new, pre-owned Toyota Corolla?"

The other people stared daggers at Mr. Colombino for his attempt to use Li's guilt to make a sale.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in another part of the mall...**

While the three T's ride a carousel Sandi is chatting up another guy.

"I know, my ex was a hopeless junkie. Just ran out on me and the kids."

The guy said "I'm so sorry. Let me give you my number. Maybe a night on the town will take your mind off of things."

Sandi smiles. That's another one reeled in by her fake sob story.

* * *

**The conference room, a little while later...**

Mr. Lloyd has his notes together.

"Okay, I think I have enough feedback to say this car is a hit."

Kevin said "Dude, you didn't ask what I think?"

"Okay," said Mr. Lloyd, "How do you feel about the car, Mr. Thompson?"

Kevin said "I like it. It's got a cup holder."

Sighing, Jim said "No, you don't Kevin, and all cars have cupholders."

Kevin said "Dude! Quit speaking for me!"

Jim said "I only do that because I know you well enough to know that you don't know anything about anything."

In a brazen attempt to isolate Jim, Mr. Lloyd said "I see. Mr. Thompson, Mr. Carbone doesn't sound like much of a friend. Why don't you try standing up to him? Don't let him bully you."

Buying this, Kevin said "Hear that, Jim. You can't bully me anymore!"

Irritated, Jim said "Shut up, Kevin."

Kevin proudly said "I like this car because it has a cupholder."

Jim said "Kevin, your Hummer has a cupholder. Personally, I'll stick with my Camaro."

Mr. Lloyd said "Sorry, Mr. Carbone, but GM is discontinuing all muscle cars. Your Camaro is...What's a nice word for old and useless?"

Kevin suggested "Collectible."

Mr. Lloyd said "Exactly!"

Tony said "Hear that, Jim. Your car's useless. When something gets old and useless you trade up."

Jim angrily said "Like you traded in Mom for Jennifer."

Tony barked "I didn't trade in your mother. A trade in still has value. I SCRAPED THAT WORTHLESS BITCH!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, in line at the food court...**

Gina and Jennifer are in line at the cookie stand.

Jennifer said "Gina, I'm sorry Tony keeps disrespecting you. He doesn't mean anything by it. He just hates you with every fiber of his being."

Gina said "I can deal with Tony's rants. I just wish Jim would stick up for me when his father gets like that."

Jennifer said "Well, if it makes you feel any better Jim doesn't stick up for me either, and I'm younger and more attractive than you."

Gina stared daggers at Jennifer for that one.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at a table in the food court...**

Sandi and the three T's are at a table having lunch. Astute 'Daria' fans will recognize this as the exact same table The Fashion Club sat at in 'Malled'. Sandi looks like she wants to cry.

Timmy asked "What's wrong, Aunt Sandi?"

Sandi lied. "N...Nothing's wrong, Timmy?"

Teddy said "Your sad expression and tone of voice strongly suggest otherwise."

Tommy asked "Did we do something wrong, Aunt Sandi?"

"No," she said, "It's just that the last time I was here I sat at this very table. It's bringing back some memories."

Timmy asked "What kind of memories?"

Sandi answered "When I was last here I was sixteen. It was a Fashion Club meeting. We'd ditched school and got some geek to give us a ride here. It was me, your mother, Stacy and...and...Tiffany."

Sandi wipes a tear from her cheek. Teddy instantly gets what this is about.

"Aunt Sandi," he said, "There wasn't anything you could've done."

Holding back tears, Sandi said "I...I still can't believe she's gone."

Teddy said "Sandi, Tiffany's been dead for seven months. She's gone and nothing can bring her back. You need to move on."

Sandi says nothing but buries her face in her arms and crys uncontrollably. Tommy, Timmy and Teddy look very uncomfortable.

Teddy said "It was bad enough when she just cried about being divorced."

* * *

**Act III**

**The Conference Room...**

Mr. Lloyd is stacking the notes he took during this focus group.

"Okay," he said, "I've heard from everyone and I can now say that the new Chevy 3000 is a hit. We can begin dismantling all other models." He reaches into his desk, "Now, to pay you for your participation."

"Hold on!" Jim interrupted. "We're not finished. We have until 3:00 PM to debate this and it's only noon."

Mr. Lloyd angrily puts the checks back in the drawer. "Fine! You wanna draw this out, GO AHEAD!"

"Jim," Chan whined, "Just let him give us checks so we can get out of here."

Jim said "Not until I've exhausted all other options. I'm not gonna see my car turned into a relic just because you guys are all seduced by something that's all style and no substance."

Tony barked "You heard the man, Jim. You need to get rid of your dumpy old car just like I got rid of your dumpy old mother."

"No, Dad," said Jim, "I'm not going down without a fight."

Rolling his eyes, Chan said "You confuse personal with technological. As child you unable to defend your mother, so now you compensate by defending your car. I have father issues, too, but this kick ass ride."

"No, it's an affront," said Jim, "And I'm willing to put money on it. If, by 3:00 I haven't convinced most of you that the Chevy 3000 is a bad idea then I'll divide my payment among all those who haven't changed their minds."

Tony said "Extra money and all I have to do is sit here until 1500!? I'm in!"

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the food court...**

Sandi is crying uncontrollably while Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are visibly uncomfortable.

"Why!?" Sandi sobbed, "Why did..._sniff_...oh..._sob_...Tiffany...I..._choke_...I'm...su...sorry..."

The three T's look at each other.

Timmy asked "Should we say something?"

Teddy said "I don't think anything we say will help. She's too lost in her own grief right now."

Tommy said "Wanna go somewhere else?"

Timmy said "We can't just ditch Aunt Sandi!"

Tommy said "I won't tell if you don't."

"But," said an uncertain Timmy, "Won't we get in trouble?"

Teddy said "Not if you keep your mouths shut and let me do the talking when Mom and Dad ask what happened to Aunt Sandi."

Tommy said "Yeah, Timmy. Quit being a wuss."

Timmy shrugged. The three T's took their plates and left. Sandi's too busy crying to notices that Quinn's kids just ditched her.

* * *

**Back in the conference room...**

Jim is arguing his case to the rest of the focus group.

"Okay," he said, "Mr. Colombino, you like the extras on this car, correct?"

Mr. Colombino said "Damn right, I do."

Jim said "Mr. Lloyd, break down the expenses."

Mr. Lloyd said "I don't know what they cost."

Chan said "As someone in finance business I know that not true."

Jim smiled at Chan. "Thanks for taking my side," under her breath, he added "for once."

Mr. Lloyd sighed. "The built-in vaccum is an extra twenty-thousand, the apps are an extra ten-thousand a piece, retractable shade is another fifteen-thousand, another five thousand for the AC and the Sirius/XM subscription is three-hundred a month."

Jim said "Well, the base price of the car is $60,000.00, so with all the add ons that comes out to $125,000.00, not including the subscription fees."

Mr. Colombino's eyes go wide, "WHAT THE HELL!? No one in there right minds gonna buy an electric minivan that costs as much as a European sports car. You're a goddamn hustler, is what you are, Lloyd. I'M CHANGING MY VOTE!"

Jim smiled. "Okay, that's one. Now, Mack, we all know that you're in the automotive business. Care to take a look under the hood and tell us if you like what you see?"

Mack walked up to the Chevy 3000. He looked and asked "Where's the hood on this thing?"

Mr. Lloyd said "There is no hood. It's a purely electric engine."

Mack asked "How do you check when something's wrong?"

Mr. Lloyd explained "If something's wrong you call the dealer. For a fifty dollar fee we take it to the dealership and, for a one-hundred dollar fee, trained specialists work on the car."

Mack said "Or, MacKenzie Automotive can pick it up for free and fix it for half that amount."

Shaking his head, Mr. Lloyd said "Oh, no, you can't. This engine is so unique that only a GM trained specialist can work on it. In fact, not having it done at the dealer will void the warranty."

Mack was now livid. "What!?" he said. "A car like this would drive me out of business!"

Jim smirked. "Exactly."

Mack looks disgusted. " Mr. Lloyd, change my vote. I don't like this overpriced nightmare that you're trying to pass off as the car of the future."

"Okay, that's two," Jim said as he turns to Chuck. "Tell me, Chuck, do people value their privacy."

Chuck said "Well, since a majority of my clients want me to enhance privacy settings on their computers, I'd say yes."

Jim asked "Would you recommend a car that can be used to spy on you?"

Chuck asked "Why would anyone do that?"

Jim said "Because the voice activated steering employs ALEXA."

Chuck's eyes go wide. "Are you shitting me!? ALEXA is being used by Amazon to spy on people. No one wants Big Brother watching while they drive. Mr. Lloyd, I've changed my mind. I don't like the Chevy 3000."

As the hours go by, Jim continues to argue his case. It drags on so long that Mr. Lloyd has some people bring in beer. Eventually, all the beer has been drunk. They continue to debate. Chan, however, has a much lower alcohol tolerance than the others and is visibly drunk.

"Shareef don_...hic_...like it..." Chan sang horribly, "...rock tha.._hic_...casbah...rock tha casbaAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He spins in his seat and falls out. While everyone else laughs Jim gets an idea.

"Of course!"

He turns to a sleeping Rev. Li and shakes her awake.

"Reverend Li."

Rev. Li wakes up with a start.

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR!"

She calms down as soon as she realizes where she is.

Jim said "Would you like to test drive this thing in the parking lot."

Suddenly nervous, Mr. Lloyd said "I don't see, or like, where this is going."

Jim said "Humor us, or does Chuck have to tell his news anchor wife that you wouldn't allow a full review of your product."

Mr. Lloyd let out a defeated sigh.

* * *

**The parking lot, later...**

Everyone is assembled by the car. Mr. Lloyd looks extremely nervous.

"Okay," Jim said to Reverend Li, "I want you to drive this car and engage the 360 degree turning radius."

Rev. Li nodded before stepping into the car.

"How do you start this thing?"

Mr. Lloyd smirked. He loses the smirk when Mack gets in his face.

"Answer the question."

With a sigh, Mr. Lloyd said "Say 'start engine' into the microphone."

Rev. Li does that. Next, she said "Move forward."

The car moves forward so fast the she panics.

Remembering what Jim asked her to do, Rev. Li said "Engage turning radius."

The car tries to do a 360 degree turn without slowing down. It falls over, flinging Rev. Li out the driver's side window in the process. The only reason she wasn't seriously injured is that the car flung her into Kevin and his beer gut cushioned the impact.

Helping her up, Jim said "There's your perfect car. In addition to all the other things wrong with it, it's a safety hazard."

* * *

**Back in the meeting room, a short time later...**

Horrified at what happened in the parking lot, Chan said "That could've been me! I HATE THIS CAR!"

"So do I," said Kevin as he rubbed his sore midsection. Turning to Jim, he added "Now I know why you're always speaking for me. Because you're always right."

They now look at the one last holdout, which happens to be Tony.

"Mr. Lloyd," Tony growled, "I want the last Camaro off the line so I can tie my sissy son, his c$%& wife and his worthless mother to it and send them all over a cliff. Rid the world of it's most worthless car AND it's most worthless people in one hit."

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the hallway...**

Gina is walking through the hallway.

_I know the restroom is somewhere around here._

She opens a door and enters. Gina is dismayed that it leads to a dark and empty conference room. She hears familiar voices and looks at the two-way mirror. On the other side is the focus group. She listens.

Tony ranted "...don't get me wrong, I like a woman with big boobs and a juicy ass, but Gina was taking advantage of the whole situation like the spoiled, coddling little t#$% she is."

Gina gasped as she once again hears Tony badmouthing her.

* * *

**On the other side...**

Tony rants "Gina's a worthless bitch. A frosty, self-righteous harpy who spoiled our boys. It's like I have two daughters. Chris let his first wife walk all over him and his current wife is a washed up ex-drunk. Jim's a f$%&in' coward married to a red haired little slut who doesn't know a woman's place."

Jim has finally had enough.

"THAT'S IT, DAD," he yelled as he got in Tony's face. "I've had enough of you badmouthing me, my brother, my wife and my mother."

Tony barked "Shut your mouth, you goddamn ingrate. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

Jim said "No, Dad. I'm sick of your crap. Yeah, you're my father and yeah, you're a war hero, but this isn't about that. It's about you being a bitter, angry old man who blames his problems on everyone but himself. I've given you more patience than you freaking deserve. If you can't be respectful to my mother, my wife, my kids and everyone else I care about then YOU'RE NO LONGER WELCOME AT MY HOUSE! GOT IT!"

Tony looks at his son with murderous rage.

"YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!"

He lunges at Jim and grabs his throat. He begins to strangle Jim in earnest.

"AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE F$%&! DIE!"

Gina, who'd witnessed the whole exchange, charges into the room.

"TONY, LET HIM GO!"

Tony continues to strangle Jim. Gina rushes at him. Tony smacks Gina so hard that she falls to the floor. Jim, despite struggling for air, tries to fight back. He throws a punch but before he can land it Tony grabs his right wrist and jerks it so hard that it pulls Jim's arm out of it's socket.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Tony, running on adrenaline, squeezes Jim's throat and starts slamming his head against the wall. Jim begins to lose consciousness as he asphyxiates.

Mr. Lloyd pushes a button on an intercom. "SECURITY!"

Jim is almost out when a whole team of security guards charges into the room. They immediately grab Tony and drag him off. Because he's resisting, it takes all six of the powerfully built men to restrain him and drag him off.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Tony shouted as the guards dragged him off, "I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA! I'M A WAR HERO, GODDAMMIT! I KILLED A HUNDRED GOOKS IN 'NAM! LET ME GO, YOU UNPATRIOTIC INGRATES!"

Once Tony's gone, the other's help Jim up.

Mack asked "You alright, Jim."

"I..._hack_...I..._cough_...I..._choke_...It kinda hurts to_...hack_...to gulp, but...I'll live..._huff_..."

Gina smiled at her son. "Thanks for finally sticking up for me, Jim."

"Y..._cough_...You're..._huff_...welcome..._wheeze_...Mom."

Rev. Li approached Jim.

"Jim," she said, "I may no longer be sure if there's a God, or a Heaven, but I'm certain about one thing...Your father's going to Hell."

Both Jim and Gina nodded in agreement.

* * *

**The mall parking lot, evening...**

They're all getting ready to go home. All but Tony, who's still in custody, and Sandi, who's nowhere to be found. Quinn has just put all of the gifts in the trunk of her Cadillac. She gasps as Jim and Gina have just told her what happened to Tony.

Quinn said "I hope he rots in that cell."

Looking at Jim, Gina said "If it's alright with you, Quinn, I'd like to ride home with my son. We have some catching up to do."

Smiling, Quinn said "It's okay with me."

Quinn now notices that Sandi's not there.

"Where's Sandi?"

Teddy said "She met some guy who offered her a ride home."

Tommy and Timmy nod in agreement. Quinn accepts this.

"Alright, then. Anyway, let's all go home."

Quinn, the three T's and Jennifer get in the Cadillac while Jim and Gina get in the Camaro. They all head back to Lawndale.

* * *

**The food court, two hours after closing...**

Sandi is still crying at the table and has yet to notice that everyone else has left and she's locked inside a closed mall.

**The End.**

* * *

**Next Time**

Sandi hits rock bottom.


	12. Sandi's Wonderful Life

**Opening Montage**

**Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, feat. Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as seven year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Lindy has a baby with her. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

**"Life After Thirty"**

**Ep. 41**

**"Sandi's Wonderful Life"**

**written by WildDogJJ**

**Act I**

**Casa Carbone, day...**

**Music:** "Sleigh Ride Together With You"

The house is covered in Christmas lights and the lawn is covered by about one to two inches of snow. Inside the house Quinn, Stacy, Lindy and Sandi are seated at the kitchen table working on decorations for an upcoming Christmas party. While Quinn, Stacy and Lindy are visibly happy Sandi looks miserable.

Quinn said "Thanks for helping me set up for my Christmas Eve party".

Stacy replied "Our pleasure, Quinn".

"I wouldn't miss this for the world" added Lindy.

Sandi looked like she's about to speak. Instead...

"Booooo-hooo-hoooo...uh..._sniff_...ah-hohhhhh..._choke_...AHHHHH...AHHHHHH..._sniff_..."

After a few seconds Sandi stopped crying and regained her composure. Once that's done she spoke.

"I love Christmas. It's celebrating the birth of Jesus, togetherness with loved ones, peace on Earth, good will to all and...and..." She immediately became upset again, "...THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY DIVORCE! WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Quinn put a comforting hand on Sandi's shoulder.

"Sandi, I'm so sorry."

Sandi stopded crying. She then went on to say "No, I'm sorry. It's just that I get really emotional that Joey left me two years ago on Christmas Eve". She started to cry again. "WHYYYYY!? WHY WON'T YOU COME BACK, JOEY!? WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Sandi immediately got up from her seat and ran out the front door toward her own house across the street, crying hysterically the whole way there.

Afterward, Quinn turned toward Stacy and Lindy. "Guys, I'm gonna check on her. I'll be right back."

Quinn got up and left.

* * *

**Sandi's house, a few minutes later...**

Quinn walked up to the front door. She discovered that Sandi, in her haste, not only didn't lock to front door but didn't even close it all the way. She entered the house. Upon entering the living room Quinn made an unnerving discovery. Above the fireplace were two Christmas stockings. One was labeled "Sandi" and the other was labeled "Joey". Quinn then noticed that under the Christmas tree were wrapped gifts that were all labeled "To: Joey, From: Sandi". At this point Sandi came out of a hallway. She'd obviously been crying. She composed herself upon seeing that she now had company.

"Quinn!?"

Quinn said "Hey, Sandi. You seemed really upset so I decided to check and see if you're alright".

Sandi smiled warmly. "Thank you, Quinn. I'm fine."

Quinn asked "You still coming over for dinner tonight...and every night until the holidays are over?".

At this point Sandi's old haughtiness returned. "Gah-od, Kuh-win, I haven't totally forgotten my etiquette. I've cleared up my calender through the end of this year...," her shoulders slump and her haughtiness vanishes, "...and a good chunk of the next".

Quinn pointed to the wrapped presents on the floor. "Sandi, these aren't all for Joey, are they?"

Sandi looked offended for a brief second before slumping once again and letting out a sigh. "Yes...", she admitted. Starting to look hopeful, Sandi added "...but when Joey comes back he'll be glad I saved everything".

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Sandi, it's been two years. You have to face facts, Joey's not coming back."

Sandi looked like she was about to have another crying fit, which prompted Quinn to amend her statement. Though she obviously didn't believe it, Quinn said "Um...I mean it's not likely that he's coming back."

Sandi's lip started to tremble which prompted Quinn to amend her statement further.

"Well," Quinn said, "I guess he could come back. I mean, stranger things have happened".

Sandi now smiled. "Thank you, Quinn."

Quinn looked guilty for having given Sandi false hope.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

**Music:** "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

Quinn, her husband, Jim, their sons, Timmy, Tommy and Teddy, and Sandi were at the kitchen table having dinner.

"Well," said Jim, "I got the last of the RSVP's today. All of our friends and a sizeable number of casual acquaintances are gonna be at the Christmas party this year".

Sandi replied "You know what Christmas reminds me of? Breakups." She then turned to Teddy. "How are you and Michelle doing?"

Teddy gave Sandi a puzzled look. "What do you mean, Aunt Sandi?"

Sandi explained "You have a special thing, Teddy. I'd be honored to be a bridesmaid at your and Michelle's wedding. I'll even be godmother to your children if you want".

Teddy rolled his eyes. "One," he said, "I'm only seven years old. Two, Michelle and I are just friends".

Totally misreading what he said, Sandi said "Taking it slow, huh? Don't wait too long or you'll miss your only chance at love". She now turns her attention to Timmy. "What about you, Timmy? Have you told Q Ruttheimer that you like her yet?".

Timmy sighed. "No way a girl like her want's a guy like me."

Sandi said "You need to woo her. She's your only chance at happiness". She now turns to Tommy. "Have you found someone yet, Tommy?"

Tommy said "No, but I won't have to look far. Every girl at school follows me around."

Continuing to give well meaning yet bad advice, Sandi said "Pick one and never let her go, or you'll wind up lonely and depressed like me".

This made Quinn and Jim VERY uncomfortable.

"Sandi," said Jim, "can we talk about something else?".

Sandi said "Sure". Turning toward Quinn, she asked "Hey, Quinn, remember David Sorenson, the tutor?".

This question made Quinn uncomfortable. "Yes, and why do I not like where this is going?"

"You liked him," said Sandi, "even though he was a total brain".

Slightly embarrassed, Quinn said "Was it that obvious?"

Sandi nodded.

At this point, Quinn asked "Why are you bringing up a guy I briefly crushed on in high school?"

Sandi explained "Because you liked him but he didn't like you back. You're so lucky Jim came along. Most of us just get one chance at love and that's it".

This made everyone else noticeably uncomfortable.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, the next morning...**

Jim, Quinn and the three T's were in the kitchen having breakfast. Unfortunately, the topic of discussion this morning was Sandi's morbid conduct at dinner the previous evening.

Jim said "I'm actually dreading dinner tonight."

Tommy said "You and me both, Dad".

"Yeah," added Timmy. "Aunt Sandi ruined it last night. Personally, I could do without her."

Teddy, in a monotone errily similar to his aunt Daria, said "For once I actually agree with you two".

Quinn couldn't believe what she was hearing. Upset with her husband and sons callousness, she said "What the hell's gotten into you guys!? Especially you, Jim. She's your cousin".

Jim replied "And I love her like a sister, I just don't like spending every evening until January hearing her feel sorry for herself while she fills the boys heads with doomsday scenarios about relationships. It's beyond awkward".

Quinn defiantly folded her arms. "I'll have you all know that she made me Vice President of the Fashion Club on my very first day of high school. The club may be no more but the bond it fostered among us remains to this day. The former Fashion Club member who turns her back on a fellow ex-Fashion Clubber is the kind of person I wouldn't want over to dinner, and shame on you for even suggesting it. Shame on all four of you!"

Jim and the boys now all looked guilty.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

Sandi was over for dinner again. The good news is she's not talking about how fleeting love can be. She's too busy crying to do that.

"WHY!?..._sniff_...WHY WON'T JOEY COME BACK!?..._choke_...I..._sniff_...I STILL LOVE HIM!"

Everyone else just sat there looking uncomfortable.

* * *

**master bedroom, later that same evening...**

Quinn and Jim were in bed getting ready to call it a night. Jim was not happy. He said "Tonight was even worse than last night, which I didn't even think was possible".

Quinn explained "Jim, her husband left her for a piece of jailbait on Christmas Eve. Of course she's gonna be an emotional wreck around the holidays. She just needs time".

"Quinn," said Jim, "Sandi and Joey divorced two years ago. How long does it take to get over this shit?".

"Jim," Quinn countered, "she's family".

Not wanting a fight but determined that his side be understood, Jim said "Quinn, she's never gonna get over what happened if you keep enabling her like this".

Quinn rolled her eyes. 'Jim, how can you be so insensitive!?"

Before the conversation could continue the door suddenly swung open.

Thinking it's the kids, Quinn scolded "Boys, what have we told you? Knock first".

In came Sandi in her pajamas. She looked really distraught.

"Sandi," said Jim," it's almost midnight!"

Sandi explained "I had a bad dream. I dream't I was having a threesome with you two and Joey walked in and killed both of you in a jealous rage. He then ran off as I chased after him and begged him to come back, and then my teeth fell out. Can I sleep in your guest room tonight?".

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Fine, just don't wake the boys."

"Thank you" said Sandi.

With that she left, closing the door behind her. Jim then gave his wife a VERY stern look. "Quinn," he said, "you have twenty-four hours to get me out of that woman's dreams".

* * *

**Pizza King, the next day...**

**Music:** "Jingle Bells"

Quinn and Sandi were having lunch and talking.

Sandi said "Thanks for taking me to lunch, Quinn, and paying for the pizza. What's the occassion?".

Quinn had a guilty look on her face as she said "Sandi, we need to talk. See, it's not that Jim and I don't like having you over for dinner, it's...well...you see...".

Sandi turned white as a sheet. "You...You're disinviting me from dinner!?"

Feeling very guilty, Quinn tried to explain. "Look, Jim kind of freaked when you told us about that weird sex dream last night. He needs a night to get a grip on things."

Sandi looked as if she was stabbed in the gut. "But, Quinn...I...I'm just lonely."

Quinn tried to reassure her friend. "Sandi, it's just one night off. You can handle one night."

Sandi hung her head and sighed. "Fine, I'll go."

She got up to leave.

"Sandi, wait..." said Quinn.

Sandi turned around and bitterly said "Why? Look, I'm sorry. I won't be a burden on you anymore".

Sandi then proceeded to storm out of the place in a huff. Quinn felt VERY remorseful.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

**Music:** "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

In the kitchen Quinn, Jim and the boys were having dinner and making lighthearted conversation.

**Sandi's house, that very same moment...**

In the bathroom Sandi stood at the sink and looked in the mirror. Memories of past rejections flooded her mind.

_Linda: "You're no daughter of mine, not anymore!". Joey: "Look, Sandi, you're just not worth it". Quinn: "Why don't you do what the rest of us are doing and GROW UP, YOU NASTY, HEARTLESS, CONTROLLING BITCH!?"_

With a sigh, Sandi opened the cabinet and took a bottle of pills out. After this, she made her way to the dinning room. Sitting alone at the table Sandi had the pill bottle on one side of her and a bottle of Vodka on the other. With a sigh, Sandi opened both bottles, took a handful of pills and washed them down with a swig of Vodka. The pill bottle had a warning label that read "Do Not Take With Alcohol", but that was the point. Sandi just couldn't take the misery anymore. The years of hurt, abandonement and betrayal that have characterized her post high school life had finally broken her spirit and sapped her will to live.

_I can't take anymore. It'll never get better. I just want this to end._

Sandi then popped another handful of pills and washed them down with some more Vodka.

* * *

**Sandi's house, sometime later...**

Quinn was at the front door with a wrapped try. She'd felt so guilty about disinviting Sandi that she'd come over to check on her friend and bring some leftover food. She rang the doorbell. When there was no response Quinn became concerned.

_That's weird! It's only 7:30._

Quinn grabbed the door knob and turned it. The door opened.

_At least she didn't lock the door._

Quinn entered the house and made her way to the living room, calling for Sandi the whole time.

"SANDI, HELLO!? I BROUGHT YOU SOME LEFTOVERS!"

When there was no response, Quinn became very worried.

"Sandi, where are you?"

She saw a light on in the dinning room. Quinn entered and, to her horror, found a pale and unconscious Sandi laying on the floor, the empty pill bottle in one hand and the also empty bottle of Vodka in the other. This horrified Quinn so much that she immediately dropped the tray of food and freaks out.

"SANDI!"

She frantically ran over to Sandi. Quinn pressed her ear to Sandi's chest.

_It's faint, but her heart's still beating. THANK GOD!_

Quinn whipped out her I-phone and called 911.

"Yes, send an ambulence to 5095 Bealer Street. My friend's unconscious and barely breathing. I...I...I THINK SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF!"

* * *

**Act II**

**Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, evening...**

**Music:** "Last Christmas" by Wham!

Quinn, Stacy, Lindy and Brittany along with their husbands were in the ER waiting room frantically awaiting word on Sandi's condition.

Hysterical, Stacy said "I..._sniff_...I can't believe this. We buried Tiffany just last spring and now..._sniff_...now...WE'RE GONNA BURY SANDI! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!".

Quinn tried to reassure her friend. "Stacy, we don't know that yet!"

Noticing the guilty look on his wife's face, Jim said "Quinn, don't blame yourself".

Quinn got right in her husband's face. "I BLAME YOU, YOU SELFISH BASTARD! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED A NIGHT OFF FROM DINNER WITH HER!"

Jim immediately grew defensive. "HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW IT'D UPSET HER SO MUCH THAT SHE'D TRY TO OFF HERSELF!"

Stacy got in both of their faces. "STOP FIGHTING!"

Jim's brother/Lindy's husband, Chris, said "She's right".

"Yeah," added Lindy, "let's wait to hear from the doctor. We can decide who to blame later".

As if on cue the doctor, a woman with sandy brown hair, came in. Without preamble the doctor got right to the point. "We've pumped her stomach and gave her a shot of adrenalin. She'll be weak for a while, but she's gonna be fine."

Everyone wass visibly relieved to hear this.

* * *

**Sandi's hospital room, a short time later...**

Everyone was there. Despite the presence of all of her friends Sandi looked miserable.

"Quinn," said Sandi, "why didn't you just let me die?".

This upset Stacy to no end. "SANDI, DON'T SAY THAT!"

"Why?" Sandi retorted. "None of you want me around."

Quinn said "Sandi, that's not true".

Sandi said nothing but sighed. Sandi now proceeded to give everyone the silent treatment while they huddled up and decided what to do with her.

"She needs help" said Chris.

Brittany asked "Can't we just have her...what's that word where you lock someone in an asylum? Commended?".

"Committed," said Quinn, "and that can only be done if the courts order it".

Lindy said "She's right. Still, isn't there something we can do?".

Quinn explained "She's a grown woman and legally sane. We can't have her institutionalized against her will".

"So, what do we do?" asked Stacy.

Quinn immediately got an idea. "We keep her company 24/7. We make sure she can't hurt herself and seeing how much we care about her might be what it takes to finally snap her out of this funk she's been since Joey left her for that little slut."

The mention of Sandi's ex-husband made Stacy suddenly angry. "That f$%&ing jerk! If anyone deserves to die it's him!"

Ignoring this, Quinn explained her plan. "Okay, Stacy, you watch her mornings and early evenings. Since Brittany has the holidays off and Lindy and I set our own hours at work we'll alternate between days and nights."

* * *

**Sandi's house, the next evening...**

Stacy and Sandi were seated at the kitchen table. Stacy was trying to get Sandi to eat dinner, but Sandi won't budge.

"Sandi, please eat something."

Sounding wounded, Sandi said "Stacy, just let me die".

This upset Stacy, but she tried to keep her cool. "Sandi, please don't say that!"

In a depressed monotone, Sandi said "No one cares if I live or not, so why should I?".

Stacy was heartbroken to be reminded of just how far her friend has fallen since their Fashion Club days. "Sandi, that's not true. If we didn't care then why did Quinn call 911 when she found you and perform CPR until the ambulence arrived? Why did we all rush to the hospital as soon as we found out what happened? Why are we all taking care of you now?"

Sandi said nothing more than a quiet "meh".

Stacy said "Sandi, if you eat your dinner then afterwards we can do something fun".

This perked Sandi's interest.

Seizing the moment, Stacy made a suggestion. "We can watch TV and sing along to the jingles, like we did when we were little."

**The living room, a short time later...**

Stacy and Sandi are watching TV and appear to be having fun. They sing along to the jingle of a TV commercial.

Stacy sang "I wish I were an Oscar Myer wiener."

Sandi sang "That is what I'd really like to be."

Stacy sang on "'Cause if I were an Oscar Myer wiener..."

They both smiled and sang "THEN EVERYONE WOULD BE IN LOVE WITH ME!"

As the commercial ended Sandi stopped smiling and began crying uncontrollably.

"Why!?..._sniff_...WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME, JOEY!?"

As Sandi continued to cry Stacy sighed in defeat.

* * *

**Sandi's house, the following evening...**

**Music:** "Silent Night"

Now, it was Quinn's turn to go on Sandi watch. They were in the living room talking. Quinn noticed a box cutter on the table. She discreetly put it in her pocket before turning her attention back to Sandi.

"So," said Quinn, "it's getting late. Maybe we should think about turning in?".

Sandi hung her head and sighed. "All I ever do anymore is sleep." She sighed once again. "I'm just getting in practice for the big sleep."

Quinn cringed upon hearing that.

**Sandi's bedroom, a few minutes later...**

Sandi was sitting on the bed while Quinn stood up.

"Where do you keep you sleepwear?" Quinn asked.

Sandi answere "Top drawer. It's the very first outfit".

Quinn opened the top drawer of Sandi's dresser. The outfit she finds is an oversized pair of boxers and a mens t-shirt. She turned to Sandi.

"You sleep in Joey's old clothes!?"

Sandi explained this with pleading in her eyes and self pity in her voice. "They're all I have left of him. YOU HAVE A HUSBAND AND KIDS!"

Quinn threw the t-shirt and boxers on the bed. "Put them on."

Sandi defiantly folded her arms. "I don't want to."

Quinn sighed as she got behind Sandi and immediately went into parent mode.

"Raise your arms."

Sandi sighed as Quinn proceeded to undress her and put her sleepwear on as if she was a baby, and that's not the only mothering Quinn has to do with Sandi.

**The bathroom, a few minutes later...**

A visibly frustrated Quinn was brushing Sandi's teeth. She finished brushing and held a cup of water up to Sandi's mouth. "Now rinse."

**The bedroom, later...**

Sandi sleeps in her bed while Quinn sits up in a chair and keeps an eye on her.

* * *

**Sandi's house, the next day...**

A nervous Sandi was in the living room sitting in her chair while Brittany sat across from her with a stern expression on her face.

"Brittany, can I..."

Brittany sternly cut her off. "No!"

"But I need to pee!" Sandi protested.

Brittany curtly said "I promised Quinn you wouldn't die on my watch".

Sandi tried to explain. "I'm just going to use the bathroom and come right back."

As Sandi stood up Brittany pulled a handgun out of her purse and aimed it at Sandi.

"Sit back down!"

"But..."

Brittany cocked back the hammer on her gun, which prompted Sandi to immediately sit back down. Suddenly, a huge wet spot formed between Sandi's legs.

"EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!" Brittany exclaimed as she scrunched her face in disgust.

In an irritated tone Sandi said "I told you I had to pee".

* * *

**Surf 'n' Turf Seafood Restaurant, the following evening...**

**Music:** "Frosty The Snowman"

Inside the restaurant Chris and Lindy were having dinner. Their 11 month old son, Jason, was with them in a high chair while Sandi sat across the table from them.

"Aren't you glad we took you out to eat tonight?" Lindy asked.

Sandi defiantly folded her arms. "No."

"How come?" asked Chris.

Sandi now looked very sad. "I used to come here all the time with...with..." Tears start to stream down her face. "...JOEY!"

Sandi got up and ran out of the restaurant. She ran outside and saw a truck coming down the road. Sandi immediately ran into the middle of the street in the hope of being run down and put out of her misery. The truck turnd down another street long before it even reached Sandi, however. An annoyed Chris then came out and immediately draged Sandi back into the restaurant with him.

* * *

**Sandi's house, the following evening...**

Quinn, Stacy, Lindy, Brittany and Sandi were all in the living room. Sandi is sat in a corner while Stacy, Lindy and Brittany complained to Quinn about the hardships of watching Sandi 24/7.

Lindy said "I can't keep this up, Quinn. I already have an 11 month old son who demands my full and undivided attention. Also, being on Sandi watch is seriously hurting mine and Chris's efforts to revitalize our marriage".

Brittany immediately voiced her own complaints. "And taking care of Sandi is cutting into my time with Daryl. I have to settle for sex with Kevie."

In a sarcastic tone, Quinn said "Gee, Brittany, I'm sorry helping a friend is keeping you from cheating on your husband".

Stacy had her own ax to grind. "Quinn, I never get to spend time with MY husband and kids anymore. My life right now is work/Sandi, work/Sandi, work/Sandi. I'm about ready to put a bullet in my own head."

Quinn let out a frustrated sigh. "FINE! I'll do all the Sandi-watching from now on!"

* * *

**Casa Carbone, the following evening...**

In the dinning room Jim, Quinn, the three T's, Sandi and a guest were having dinner. The guest was none other than Jamie, whom Jim pressured into coming over for dinner in the hopes of hooking him and Sandi up.

Sandi immediately threw a wrench in Jim's plan by explaining to Jamie why she only has a fork and spoon.

"They won't let me have a knife because I wanna kill myself."

Jamie gave Jim a VERY disapproving look. "You lied to me, Jim."

"Come on, Jamie," said Jim, "You used to be almost as into Sandi as you were Quinn".

Jamie explained "Jim, I had a crush on Quinn twenty years ago. I've never liked Sandi as more than just a friend".

Sandi misunderstood what Jamie meant. "I know it's awkward that I used to be married to your best friend, but..."

Jamie cut her off. "Joey and I haven't spoken since I joined the Army right after 9/11. Just because I was one of Quinn's biggest admirers in high school doesn't mean I'm a crazy stalker like Jeffy or a womanizing jerk like Joey. The fact is that even though I do find you physically attractive, Sandi, I'm really not interested."

Desperate, Sandi climbed over the table and tried to kiss Jamie. "Marry me, please!"

Everyone looked on in shock as Jamie tried to shove Sandi off of him.

"GET OFF OF ME!"

He finally pulled away from Sandi, causing her to fall onto the floor face first. Jamie's plate of half eaten food landed right on her head. Totally freaked out, Jamie shouted "DAMMIT, SANDI, I DON'T WANNA MARRY YOU! AFTER TONIGHT I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW YOU!".

Sandi was utterly devastated by this.

"No!"

She stood up and tears ran down her face.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!"

She ran out of the dinning room and towards the front door.

"SANDI, WAIT!" Quinn called out.

Quinn then got up and ran after Sandi.

At this point, Jim turned to Jamie. "Just a heads up, but you should know I've already given her your phone number."

* * *

**Sandi's house, a short time later...**

Sandi was crying in a corner of the living room while Quinn tried her best to calm her friend down.

"Sandi, please talk to me!"

"W-why? J..._sniff_...Joey's..._sob_...g-gone..._sniff_..."

Quinn looked around and sees that all of the presents Sandi saved for Joey are still there. Her patience starts to wear thin. "Dammit, Sandi, can't you see that your obsession with Joey IS the problem!? You need to get over him and move on with your life." She pointed to all the gifts on the floor. "Get rid of all this stuff."

Sandi stood up and had a look of denial on her face. "NO, I CAN'T! When Joey comes back..."

Before Sandi could finish Quinn, having lost the last of her patience, interrupted her.

"Dammit, Sandi, it's been two years since you and Joey got divorced! He's not coming back! It's so freakin' obvious!"

Quinn picked up one of the gifts.

"He doesn't want this!"

In her anger, Quinn threw the present against to wall before picking up another one.

"Or this!"

She threw it and grabbed another gift.

"Or this!"

She threw that gift and then grabbed the mounted Christmas stocking with Joey's name on it.

"Or this!"

Quinn angrily tore the stocking down, then reached for Sandi and Joey's wedding portrait.

'AND HE REALLY DOESN'T WANT THIS!"

She threw it on the floor so hard that the frame breaks. Next, Quinn stomped on it and ground the heel of her shoe into the picture.

"There!"

Quinn then angrily turned around and stormed off towards toward the front door. Sandi became desperate.

"Quinn, please!?"

Quinn turned to face Sandi. "Dammit, Sandi, I can't do this anymore! You wanna kill yourself!? You wanna keep living in total denial!? Fine! Just...FINE!"

Quinn then turned around and left, angrily slamming the door behind her as she did. Sandi just stood there with a blank expression as she stared off into space. Suddenly, a grin formed on Sandi's face.

"Heh. Heh. Ha...hee..."

Her eyes suddenly looked wild, almost psychotic.

"HA...AH...HA...HAAAAAA...AHHHH...HA...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...HEEEEEHEEEEE...HOOOHOOOHOOO...MYAH...HA...HA..HA...HA...HA...HA...HA..."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, the next day...**

In the living room Quinn and Jim werere setting up decorations for their Christmas Eve party. Quinn looked guilty, which Jim noticed.

"Something wrong, babe?" he asked.

Quinn sighed. "I was really harsh with Sandi last night."

Jim said "Given all the pressure you've been under lately that's really no surprise".

"I know," said Quinn, "but I still shouldn't have gone off on her like I did".

Jim tried to get his wife to look at it from his point of view. "Quinn, one of the reasons Sandi can't get out of this funk she's been in for the past two years is because you keep enabling her. She was long overdue for some tough love."

Quinn sighed. "I should still apologize."

With that, she left to pay Sandi a visit.

* * *

**Sandi's house, a short time later...**

Quinn was at the front door ringing the bell. Sandi answered and looked surprisingly content.

"Hey, Sandi, can I come in?" asked Quinn.

Sandi smiled widely. "Of course."

Quinn entered and Sandi closed the door behind her. They proceeded to make small talk as they walked into the living room.

"Look, Sandi, I'm sorry I lost my temper last night."

Sandi shrugged it off. "It's alright, Quinn. In your position I would've totally lost it too."

Quinn noticed how happy Sandi seems. "You seem to be in a really good mood. Mind if I ask why?"

As they enter the living room Sandi points toward the couch. No one's there but the TV is on and there's a football game going on.

**"**Look, Joey's back!"

Quinn was puzzled as no one's there. "Um...What!?"

Sandi spoke to thin air. "Hey, Joey, Quinn's here."

Confused and a little creeped out, Quinn said "Um, Sandi, there's no one there. You're speaking to thin air".

Sandi gave Quinn a curious look. "Quinn, are you alright? Joey's standing right here next to me."

**Music:** "Joy To The World"

Quinn continued to look freaked out because there's no one standing next to Sandi.

With a wild look in her eyes, Sandi said "Not now, Joey, we have company...Oh, all right."

Sandi began to passionately make out with thin air while Quinn was too creeped out to even speak.

* * *

**Act III**

**Sandi's house, day...**

**Music:** "The Twelve Days Of Christmas"

In the living room a visibly stunned Quinn stared wide eyed and open mouthed as Sandi makes out with thin air. Sandi stops making out with this imaginary person and turns to Quinn.

"You see, Quinn. You were wrong, Joey came back and he still loves me."

Quinn shakes her head before finally being able to speak.

"Sandi, you were making out with thin air. It's just you and me here."

Sandi looked to her side. "I don't know why she can't see you, Joey." She then turned back toward Quinn. "Are you alright, Quinn? Maybe you should sit down. Joey, could you get her a glass of water."

Quinn now became frustrated.

"Dammit, Sandi, Joey's not here. He's just a figment of your imagination."

It was clear to Quinn that not only does Sandi not believe her but also genuinely believes that Joey is right there with them.

"Quinn, what's gotten into you?" asked Sandi.

Quinn struggled not to gasp in shock from that question. "What's gotten into me!? Sandi, what's gotten into you!? You're talking to no one. This isn't funny."

Sandi smiled. Her smile now had a VERY creepy vide to it as her eyes have the same wild look in them as someone tripping on glitterberries.

"I get it, Quinn. You were so sure Joey wouldn't come back that you can't deal with seeing him."

Quinn lost her patience.

"Dammit, Sandi, stop this! Pretending Joey came back won't solve anything."

Sandi looked hurt.

"But, he DID come back. He's right here."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Dammit, Sandi, when you were President of the Fashion Club your leadership did more for me than I can ever repay but I did my part too. Now, I'm trying to lead you out of this funk you've been in for the last two years and you aren't even trying!"

In a dismissive tone, Sandi said "You don't need to lead me, Kuh-winn. Joey's back".

Quinn threw up her arms and sighed. "I give up. I've done everything I can but if you insist on living in a fantasy there's nothing more I can do to help you."

Quinn then turned around and headed for the door.

" Joey and I will see you at your Christmas Eve party." said Sandi.

Quinn angrily turns around.

"NO! If you won't get your shit together then don't you DARE show up at my party!"

Quinn stormed out, slamming the door as she does. Sandi is unfazed.

"We're already invited, so there."

She resumed making out with her imaginary lover.

* * *

**Casa Carbone, later that day...**

Jim, Kevin, Mack and Chuck are hanging out in Jim's man cave watching a football game.

"I can't wait for your Christmas Eve party, Jim." said Kevin.

Jim said "I just hope Quinn and Sandi patch things up by then. Last thing I need's an awkward situation".

As if on cue, Sandi enterd. She's wearing some of Joey's old clothes.

"Hey, guys! Miss me?"

"Hey, Sandi. What's with the outfit?" asked Jim.

Sandi grabbed a beer and sat down with the guys. She had a crazy look in her eyes the whole time.

"Jim, why'd you call me Sandi? I'm Joey."

Jim spat out his beer upon hearing that while the other guys stare in shock.

"WHAT!?"

Sandi, continuing her Joey act, said "I came back because I love Sandi sooooo much.".

Mack rolled his eyes. "Sandi, we're not buying this."

Sandi gave Mack a concerned look.

"Why are you calling me Sandi? I'm Joey."

Chuck decided to try and give her a reality check.

"If you're Joey, then where's Sandi?"

Sandi said "She's upstairs visiting with Quinn. You want me to get her?".

Kevin stared blankly as his feeble excuse for a brain tries to comprehend what's going on.

"You can do that!?"

Sandi said "Of course, silly".

Kevin was dumb enough to actually buy this.

"Cool!"

Sandi got up and left. Once she's gone Jim buried his face in his hands.

"Jesus Christ, it's the Jeffy situation all over again!"

* * *

**Casa Carbone, evening...**

**Music:** "Deck The Halls"

Quinn, Jim and the boys were at the kitchen table peeling potatoes. While the boys are enjoying themselves Quinn and Jim are so tense that they're destroying the potatoes that they're trying to peel. Teddy is the first to comment on this.

"You know you're supposed to get more than one French Fry out of a whole potato, right?" Teddy deadpanned.

Jim calmed down while Quinn continues to peel in anger.

"Sorry. Your mother and I are just really upset with Aunt Sandi right now."

The other two boys look questioningly at Teddy.

Teddy sighed. "Aunt Sandi went insane."

"Really?" asked Timmy.

"Cool!" Tommy commented.

Jim shot Tommy a disapproving look.

Quinn angrily peeled a potato as she growled "All...the...time...and...energy...helping...her...and...THIS IS HOW SHE THANKS ME!? BY GOING TOTALLY OFF THE DEEP END!?".

Quinn angrily threw her potato down. Timmy, Tommy and Teddy were now visibly frightened. Quinn calmed down when she saw how frightened the boys are by this.

"It's okay, boys, I'm not mad at you, just Sandi."

Jim had his own take on the matter. "I'm not that surprised. Sandi's not being an ingrate on purpose. She just can't accept the fact that Joey's not coming back, so she's doing the next best thing by pretending that he has. It's a coping mechanism."

Quinn narrow her eyes at her husband and spoke in a threatening tone..

"You'd better tell me how to snap her out of it."

The hostile tone frightened Jim out of his wits.

"eep!"

Teddy spoke up. "The problem is that she never recieved proper closure. She needs to hear from Joey that it's over and she should just move on."

Quinn and Jim both look thoughtful.

**The home office, a few minutes later...**

Alone in the office, Quinn dialed a number on her cell phone and waited for an answer. Finally...

"Hey, Joey, it's Quinn...Listen, I know we haven't spoken in two years but I'm throwing a huge party Christmas Eve and I was wondering if you'd like to come."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, Christmas Eve...**

**Music:** "Jingle Bell Rock"

A bunch of cars filled the Carbone's driveway and lined both Bealer Street and Lobinskie Lane. Inside the house Quinn and Jim's Christmas party was in full swing. Everyone they know is there (except Tony, who is on bad terms with everyone due to his bahavior on Thanksgiving). Even Daria and Jane came down from New York. The kids are playing video games while the adults are eating snacks, drinking and making conversation. The doorbell rings and Jim answers. It's Sandi. She's standing as if arm in arm with someone even though she's alone.

Trying not to sound weirded out, Jim said "Hi, Sandi".

Sandi replied "Hey, Jim. Aren't you gonna say hi to Joey?".

Awkwardly playing along, Jim acknowledged Sandi's imaginary beau.

"Hey, Joey."

Sandi enterd. Jim closed the door behind her.

_I hope the real Joey gets here VERY soon._

Meanwhile, Quinn was making small talk with Daria and Jane.

"Thanks for coming, you guys."

Jane finished the piece of chocolate she had in her mouth.

"Thanks for the free food."

At the refreshment table and Sandi poured herself a rum and coke. She had a wild look in her eyes as she spoke to thin air.

"Can I get you something, Joey?"

Quinn, Daria and Jane saw this. Quinn looked embarrassed while Daria looked puzzled and Jane looked mildly amused.

"Quinn, why's Sandi talking to herself?" Daria asked. "I thought that'd be unfashionable."

Quinn buried her face in her hand out of embarrassment.

_Dammit, Joey, where the hell are you?_

In the kitchen Jim was getting some more refreshments out of the fridge when the phone rang. He immediately rushed to the phone.

"Hello...Hey, Joey, long time no see..."

He put his hand on the reciever and called out to Sandi.

"Sandi, it's the real Joey."

Sandi gasped as Jim once again speaks on the phone.

"So, Joey, how long until you get here?"

Jim suddenly looked very disappointed.

"Joey, you have to come...Well, could you at least talk to her? It'll only take a few minutes...I see...Please, I'd owe you a huge favor...You sure...No, I get it..."

At this point, Jim's expression is one of both frustration and dissappointment.

"Yeah, thanks for nothing."

He angrily hangs up as Sandi approaches.

"Never mind."

A few minutes later Quinn was chatting with Stacy and Lindy when Jim approached.

"You won't believe this, Joey's not coming."

Quinn looked even more disappointed than Jim does.

"What!? He said he'd be here!"

Jim explained "He just called to say he changed his mind. I couldn't even get him to talk to Sandi on the phone.".

Stacy quickly scaned the crowd and noticed a guest missing.

"Where is Sandi, anyway?"

Quinn and Jim's faces both turned pale.

* * *

**Upstairs hallway...**

Jim was looking for Sandi.

"Sandi? Sandi, where are you?"

He opened the door to the master bedroom and enters. He was immediately horrified by what he saw. Sandi is laying naked on the bed, moving as if she's having sex but she's the only one there.

"OH, JOEY...OH...YES...YES...YES..."

Jim was not the least bit amused.

"SANDI, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

Sandi looked over at Jim.

"JIM! I'M SORRY...I MEAN...JOEY AND I ..."

Jim's patience ran out. "Dammit, Sandi, Joey's not here!"

Sandi sat up and looked very distraught.

"JOEY...JOEY, DON'T GO!"

She ran right past Jim, completely naked.

Rubbing his temples, Jim groaned "Why me, God?".

* * *

**Downstairs, a short time later...**

**Music:** "Go Insane" by Lindsey Buckingham

A naked Sandi was running around looking for Joey and scaring all the guests in the process.

"JOEY...JOEY, COME BACK..."

She ran up to the Daria and Jane. Sandi looked at Daria with a creepy smile.

"JOEY!"

She grabbed Daria and tried to kiss her. As Daria struggled to pull away Sandi, with disturbing urgency, said "TAKE ME, JOEY! TAKE ME NOW!".

Daria was too freaked to say anything. Jane glanced menacingly at Sandi.

"GET THE HELL OFF OF MY FRIEND, YOU SICKO!" Jane yelled.

Sandi immediately let go of Daria and ran into the kitchen. She suddenly had a huge smile on her face.

"JOEY, THERE YOU ARE!"

Sandi ran up to the refridgerator.

"Make love to me! F#$% me, Joey! F# $ ME HARD!"

All of the guests watched as Sandi proceeded to dry hump the refridgerator. To say they're freaked out would be a HUGE understatement.

Daria dryly remarked "Now I actually miss the days when we just had riots at holiday gatherings".

Kevin pulled Sandi off of the fridge.

"Like, what's wrong with you Sandi?"

Sandi pulled free from Kevin's grip.

"Where's Joey!?" she asked in a frantic voice.

Sandi then ran to the front door.

"JOEY, DON'T GO! JOEY, DON'T LEAVE ME!"

She ran out the door and into the cold night, completely naked.

* * *

**Bealer Street, a minute later...**

A naked Sandi was running from parked car to parked car.

"JOEY, COME BACK! JOEY, WHERE ARE YOU!"

Quinn chased after Sandi, carrying a faux fur coat with her. Quinn had an idea how to finally snap Sandi out of her delusions. The coat was to give to Sandi on account of her being naked in the freezing December night. Quinn called out to Sandi the whole time.

"SANDI, WAIT UP!"

She caught up to Sandi. Sandi then turned toward Quinn.

"Quinn, help me find Joey!" Sandi begged.

Quinn took a deep breath. _I hope this works._

"Sandi, I'M Joey."

Sandi gave Quinn a puzzled look.

Quinn continued to act as if she were Joey. "Sandi, I've left you forever because I'd rather be with the woman I've been banging behind your back these past few months."

Sandi gasped as a look of realization crossed her face.

"Joey! It is you!"

Quinn continued her Joey act.

"Sandi, I don't love you. If I did, I wouldn't screw every hot young thing that comes along? I NEVER loved you! I was just playing you all this time because I thought having a bisexual wife would be fun. I was expecting our relationship to be like all those girly three way videos on PornHub. I lost interest when I realized it wasn't going to be like that. That's why I cheat on you and that's why we fight all the time."

Sandi now looked indignant.

"Joey, we wouldn't fight if you didn't cheat on me."

Quinn continued to play act as Joey. "Yes, we would. If it weren't over my cheating then we'd just fight about something else. We're so wrong for each other that all we do is fight. We fight all day, we fight all night, we fight so loud all the neighbors can hear us."

Sandi grew desperate.

"Joey, no, please! We can work this out. I'm a good wife."

Quinn went on, in character the whole time. "If I wanted to work stuff out I wouldn't have run off with some slutty little high schooler. I don't love you. That's all there is to it. I DON'T LOVE YOU! I was just using you to satisfy my ego. I'll say it again. I DON'T LOVE YOU! I WAS JUST USING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!"

Sandi now looked both indignant and angry. "That's it!? That's why you left!? Simple as that!? You played me for a fool and made me waste a whole decade of my life just to indulge your own male perversions, you bastard. You were just stringing me along all this time expecting things that only work well in porn. Then, when the reality doesn't live up to your fantasies you just emotionally abused me until you were ready to toss me to the curb like I'm nothing!? You didn't even try to talk to me when we started going down hill. No, you just started treating me like shit while f#$ every little whore you could get your hands on. Then, you hit me out of the blue with divorce papers and force me to sign them, with no consideration for my feelings whatsoever!? Well, I have one thing to say about that...RUDE! "

She now got right in Quinn's face and unleashed all of her anger and hurt as if she were talking to Joey. **"**You are a sleazy jerk who strung me along with no consideration for my feelings whatsoever! You don't love me, you want to leave...FINE! Get out of here! Get the hell out of my life and stay out, you bastard! You think I can't find someone else! Well, let me tell you something, I can find another man or even a woman. Someone who won't use me and toss me aside. Someone who loves and respects me as I do them. Someone who's my partner in life, instead of a selfish jerk like you."

Sandi angrily pointed at Quinn as if she were Joey and made a proud declaration.

"I WILL be happy, you wait and see. And when you finally grow up and get tired of doing jailbait DONT'T EVEN BOTHER CRAWLING BACK! We're done and I hope I never see you again because I am Alexandra Denise Griffin and I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU!"

Quinn smiled.

"Welcome back, Sandi."

Sandi now shivered as she's naked and the temperature is below freezing. Quinn handed her the faux fur coat.

"Here, I thought you'd want this once you calmed down."

Sandi took the coat, put it on and wrapped it tight.

"Thanks, Quinn."

Sandi now blushed with embarrassment.

"I...I really hit rock bottom there, didn't I?"

Quinn nodded.

"And hard."

Sandi was once again distraught, this time because of her behavior. "I can't believe I made such a spectacle of myself."

Quinn reassured her friend. "Don't worry about that. I'll just tell everyone you drank too much. No big deal. At least you finally reached the end of that tunnel."

For the first time in YEARS Sandi looks geniunely hopeful.

"So...you're saying things can only get better from here?"

Quinn smiled and nodded.

"Yep, the worst is over."

Sandi threw her arms around Quinn and hugged her.

"Thanks for never giving up on me."

Quinn said "Hey, what're friends for?".

They walk arm in arm back towards the house as snow starts to fall.

"Merry Christmas, Sandi."

"Merry Christmas, Quinn."

* * *

**Montage scene...**

**Music:** "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"

After Quinn and Sandi returned to the party Sandi explained her behavior and was pleasantly surprised by how understanding everyone was. From there on the night went off without a hitch as everyone had a good time. Chuck tried to get a few laughs by wearing a misletoe belt buckle. This got quite a few laughs and got his wife so turned on that pretty soon Chuck and Stacy were running upstairs leaving a trail of their clothes behind as they do. Later, Kevin challenged Daryl to a chugging contest. The contest ended with Daryl and Brittany making out while Kevin was passed out on the floor. Tommy and Timmy played video games with Kevin Jr. while Teddy and Michelle observed everything in a manner so similar to Daria and Jane that no one could fail to notice. Later on a visibly drunk Ultra was standing with Lauren under a misletoe. They started to make out but the passion was cut short by Ultra puking all over Lauren. Later still, a visibly drunk Uncle Vito grabbed Jane's ass. This resulted in Jane punching Vito out. Later on Jim and Chan were arguing while everyone else is visibly dismayed that they can't just put aside their differences for one evening. Then, cut to a shot of the whole "Life After Thirty" cast (sans Tony and Jennifer). Over them is a caption that reads "Happy Holidays".

**End Chapter.**

* * *

**Next Time**

The story picks up again after the new year. Sandi becomes a volunteer firefighter and persuades Quinn, Stacy and Brittany to join her. It goes about as well as you'd expect.


End file.
